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Friday, January 11, 2008

Help!

Ok- I really do need some aid. Assistance. Something.
I will not bore you all to tears about my tears and whatnot. But I will say that I am in a very complicated situation.

Like I said- I have gotten a bunch of nos from boys. I know why, and it has nothing to do with me, but still. Anyway- lately I have been getting a lot of suggestions. A few days ago, I got a great one. And get this- he said yes already. But my father is making me turn him down. In fact, he made me turn down every single boy that had not already turned me down.

He only says yes to the boys that he picks out, or that his friend's suggest. And those mostly say no to me, or are completely not shaiich.

I just have no idea what to do. My mother agrees with me on this issue, but we cannot change his mind. He is adamant. And I am at a loss. Of course I have not gone out yet. At this rate, I will not.

And there is another thing. There is one particular boy, who he really wants me to go out with. I probably will end up, for his sake. But I feel like I am being forced into an arranged marriage. Marry him, or do not marry anyone at all. Marry him, or be a disappointment for the rest of your life.

I never knew what it feels like to be a disappointment to one's parents. Now I think I do know. And it kills me.

15 comments:

dd said...

I dont know but i would hope most parents are looking out for what is good for their kid not wat is good for the parents however I know that many parents look out for wats good for them or what they wish their child to be and not what is best for their child where the kid is holding. Maybe it is time you spoke to your father about his approach and or tell him you would like to bring this issue to a rav that both u and him respect.

PS i dont mean to say you are a child i just refer to u as a child in the context of you being his child

halfshared said...

Ow. That must be tough. I really don't know what to tell you. My parents are the type that if a boy is interested in me, they seriously consider it because they know the situation with girls. We don't get yeses too often. I really feel for you. Do you have a married sibling or grandparent that your father is close to, that you can speak to? I'm so sorry for you and I really hope something works out for you soon. Hugs!!

badforshidduchim said...

Have you asked your father why he insists on doing it this way?

Remember, you can always say no, but don't say it just because you're not being given a choice.

AidelKnaidel said...

Thanks. HalfShared- I am thinking about going to his Rebbe.

And Bad4- no, that would not work. I can't go out if he says no, and if he says yes to a boy, I do not have a choice. I can't really talk to him about it... he will not listen.

ProfK said...

Aidel,
I am not an alarmist nor do I tend to jump to conclusions. But as a parent, what you wrote about disturbs me greatly.

Whatever else is going on, your father's decisions are not about YOU and very much about him. For a father to become that adamant about where a shidduch comes from is not a good sign. Neither is his disregard of your input as to what you want in a shidduch.

Please don't just think about going to his rebbe--do it and do it now. And consider finding someone you can trust to talk to outside of your family.

Please, please, do not think of yourself as suddenly being a disappointment to your family or to your father. This is not about being a disappointment to anyone--it is about your future, your happiness and your marriage. Should your father say he is disappointed in you, please remember that that is HIS problem, not yours. It is not your job in life to get married to please your father's notions of what is coming to him.

I don't often knock parents, but as I said, what you have written disturbs me greatly.

Bas~Melech said...

Ugh. Ouch.

As Prof said, you do need to see what you can do about the situation. But know that not even the most difficult parents on Earth will be able to stop you from meeting Mr. Knaidel when the right time comes.

I have similar frustrations, and that's my only hope. I know a lot of people who thought the lack of parental understanding/ communication would keep them from finding anyone suitable to their own personality, but eventually something worked out.

StillinShidduchim said...

Ouch. This is a really really difficult situation. Like others suggested here, can you find someone who your father respects who you can talk to? I know that will probably be VERY hard and uncomfortable, but it might be what you have to do for your future. You're still young, you can still rectify this. Waiting it out with no action on your part will probably be the easiest thing to do, but won't get you married. Good luck to you, and whatever you do, don't feel guilty about it. It's a tough situation, easy for us to give advice, but you're the one living with your father. Parents get funny sometimes when it comes to shidduchim...I hope this will work out. And I hope you find the courage to make it work.

fashionista cat in a zero gravity shoe-store said...

Try reverse psychology; tell your father you're aware of how much he must love you and care for you to want to make sure you'll only get the best etc. and that he'd probably like to see you happy, too. Be a daddy's girl. Make him soften his heart. It does work often enough. :)

badforshidduchim said...

I didn't mean say "No I won't go out" but rather, after you go out, say "No I don't think he's for me."

Actually, someone sent me an email as an idea for a post about a girl who texted through the entire date. Afterwards, the guy said no, but didn't give a reason. And I immediately thought: "I bet her father made her go out with him and she wanted to end it!"

Now, it takes some serious rudeness to text through a date, but if you really really don't want a repeat, and you know your protestations won't work... well... ;-)

Chavatzeles said...

Aidel, I went through something similar so let me share my lack of wisdom...

Parents can bring a lot of pressure on their children. I was probably older than you are now but it was still VERY hard.

I ended up talking to a number of rabbanim. Some of my choice some of my parents. Some were helpful and some not. One mistake I made, I should have insisted my parents come with me to speak to them...

At a minimum the rabbanim made me realize that my parents would never truly break contact or do anything drastic because of this. They were right. Providing grandkids helps also...

I had to make a final decision that I would do what I wanted despite my parents. Nevertheless, by talking and trying to get my points across I was able to make the situation slightly better. I'm not too good with feelings. It took a LONG time (too long) and it killed the rest of my life during that period. I hate thinking about it...

I should have been more open with my parents sooner...

Did I say it was VERY hard?

So, be open, start talking, be prepared - it's your life...

Best of luck...

BrooklynWolf said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BrooklynWolf said...

(Let's try this again...)

Aidel,

Here's my advice to you.

Hatzlacha!

The Wolf

The Mad Hungarian said...

I'm afraid your father is a bit of a control freak. Ultimately, you will bear the consequences of your choice so the resposibility for making that choice must be yours as well.

My crystal balls says: If you allow your father to arrange your marriage expect him to constantly interfere in your marriage and continue to control you and your husband by the application of guilt or financial pressure.

It's way past time to have a heart to heart discussion with your father to establish adult boundaries. Bring a trusted Rav into the picture if you need backup (or someone else your father might take seriously).

Good luck!

Zach Kessin said...

You need to sit down with your father and tell him flat out that you are getting married and he is not. He is welcome to have some input but it MUST be your choice in the end.

It will be a hard conversation but you need to stick to your guns here. The last thing you want to do is marry some guy just to make your father happy. You have to live with this man, your father does not.

G said...

My 4 cents...

Perhaps you might have him read this post (not on-line if the blog is not public knowledge, maybe just print it out and leave it as a letter).

--if taking this approach you may want to remove the following line:
"My mother agrees with me on this issue, but we cannot change his mind", it could do more harm than good.