Aidel Knaidel

Out of the Race

2010-10-19T06:36:00.003-04:00

I am so glad to be out of the race. No pressure, no worrying what everyone else is doing, that everyone else has a ring, that everyone else has a baby... none.

Its the time. I thought that other bloggers were a little funny when they said that they had their first baby, but their friends had seconds... and they were behind. I mean, once you have one, you are set, right?

Well, for me yes. I definitely felt a little wary about getting engaged, when when when. The same for having a baby. Second- seriously- whenever hashem deems it the time. Im at the point where all of my friends here who married a bit before me- have two, or are almost about to have two. I know that some of my friends feel the pressure- they have admitted to me that they do. I don't. Really. Im not even trying to convince you, me, or anyone else.

I feel so happy. So hopeful for the future. And I wanted to relay the message. The race DOES end. It really does!!!

My Rosh Hashana Reflection

2010-09-01T16:56:00.003-04:00

I think this is my third year of blogging-- wow. Every year around Rosh Hashana time, I look back and remember what has happened to me in the past year. Last year I had just had little aidel a while before, and felt so connected to Rosh Hashana, how I had davened to have a little one before the next year, and there I was, sitting a year later with her. I felt so connected.

The year before that, I had davened to be wearing a sheitel the next year in shul. And that next year, I was. When we have these days of marking, to look back upon, it can really make you think. Why doesn't a random day, say March 7, make you think about the last year? But your birthday does? Because the day has meaning.

Hashem gives, and Hashem takes. Let us all feel the warmth of Rosh Hashana, the spirituality and the feeling that if we daven for it, Hashem can give it and next year can be different.

Hopefully its a matter of time

2010-06-09T08:01:00.002-04:00

Thanks for the comments. Unfortunately, the feelings i spoke about in the last post have not gone away. Perhaps they are getting worse.

I feel so bad. Last year, I adored it here. I never felt bored- I was busy with school, with friends, and I didn't mind being home alone in my apartment. Now I guess its different. Because I have Little Aidel, she keeps me busy- but she hates being home. She wants to be outside, and I guess I just feel so alone with no one to call. Im bored with myself, bored of walking to the same places myself. And there is no option of just staying home- she goes stir crazy.

Im starting to drive Mr. Aidel crazy I think. Im finally telling him how I feel... and though usually he is quite understanding, now he is not so. I guess because he is in yeshiva and is always out and with people, he just can't understand my feelings. He does not know why I am feeling so alone if I have little aidel, and why I can't just sit in the park? Obviously, he is understanding and if I were truly miserable, we would move back. I don't want to though. I do like it here.... just this zman has been so incredibly hard for me, its even hard not to cry about it.

I hope next zman will be better. Bein HaZmanim is coming up, so then everything should be fine... and I hope by Elul I have this thing figured out and I feel better about being here. If not, we are in for a long year.

Update

2010-05-30T14:15:00.003-04:00

I think it is easier to post daily, when you don't feel like every post has to be earth-shattering and amazing. I am a writer and a reader at heart and in life, and I have so much to say but then it just fizzles. Writers block. And I hate blogs where the author writes once every few months... alas that is me.

How is life? Great. Baruch Hashem. Ups and downs. Mostly ups, but lets not deny there are downs. Little aidel is growing and keeping me very busy, bh. Life here in EY is so different than in America. Here my day runs in shifts. There is the morning, then lunch, afternoon, supper, and night. Mornings are busy with Little One and my job, lunch with Mr Aidel, afternoons.... supper... and then the night is cleaning up and putting LA to sleep. Its hard, exhausting, and at the same time I find myself bored at times. Maybe the right word isn't bored. Maybe its lonely?

Most of my friends, or girls my age that I knew here, have moved on to chutz la'aretz. They are busy finishing school, getting jobs, and having second children. It is sad for me that I feel like I am left here, but at the same time I feel grateful to still be here. It bothers me that there are days I want to join them. I know one day I am going to look back and wish I could still be here. Because its not forever. Its temporary. And maybe that is what drives people crazy... knowing that our lives here are only for now, and that they will change drastically when we go back.

I hate whiners and kvetchers, and I have become one. I have become someone who feels lonely, and who can't just walk around herself being entertained. I know there are plenty of chessed opportunities, and I do them. I go to inspiring places... but I guess I just miss what I had here. And I miss my family.

Taboo

2010-01-13T09:56:00.002-05:00

Thanks for the welcome back wishes and mazal tovs.

Before I got married, I thought I knew it all. Rules, halachos, I didnt expect to learn anything new. Well, I was unpleasantly surprised.

Once married, you enter an entire world that is based around halacha. Never in my life did I know when shkia was besides for on a friday, for shabbos. I thought it was a man's job to know. Not so. I never thought that keeping halacha could be so hard or so embarrassing.

Not to scare the single ones off from getting married. Being married is truly wonderful, most of the time. But there is something in not having to worry about getting home at a certain time, and there is definitely less stress about it. I told one of my good single friends to just enjoy her time without worrying that you are doing something wrong.

I know that this subject is basically taboo to discuss. But I dont think I am talking explicitly here, and it is on my mind. Am I the only one that really has a hard time?

Hello there

2010-01-05T09:19:00.002-05:00

So yes.. it has been awhile. Im guessing you guessed it, but BH- bchasdei hashem- we were blessed with an adorable, healthy baby girl. So whilst I was getting back to myself and learning how to care for a little being- I got a little busy. Then settling back into our apartment and Israel.... I just left the blog on the back burner. But Ive been lurking.

Remember my posts of last year? Im sure you do. It was how envious I was- how unsure. And I know that many people would like to ask me- now that I have my beautiful little girl- am I sorry that I worried? And I dont think so. You see- its the crystal ball phenomenon. If we knew yes, and when- we would enjoy the waiting time. If we knew that on January 9 2010 we would get engaged- then why worry for the 2 years preceding? But we dont know. So we do worry.

2 of my single friends have just become Kallahs. My other married friend of the "group" complained that the girls didnt tell her they were dating- which if she and I didnt do back then... we wouldve gotten stares and silences. But alas- they may feel slighted. We are both married well over a year, with babies of our own. They often complain about us, I am sure. She was saying that now that they are getting married- they will understand. Understand why she cant pick up at 8 pm and drop her baby and husband who comes home from work at 7:30 to go "hang out" in NYC once a week. Why sometimes she has to miss things- vorts, possibly even weddings.

Once again- I do see both views. The single ones feel like they lost us. Which in a way, they have. But it isnt our fault. And we married ones wait for our phone calls as well. Maybe they got shy suddenly, when one of us has a husband, or a child... but still. Friendship has to be a two way street.

Two Sides of the Fence

2009-08-11T14:01:00.003-04:00

While I was in Israel- I was sitting with a group of my friends who had married right out of seminary, moved to Israel, and were b'h blessed with children less than a year later. Their babies are turning one in the next few months. We were sitting and talking about our friends whom were single and in the states. One of the girls commented, "I can't believe our friends are starting graduate school. I mean, thats big." She wasn't saying anything about regretting marrying young, she just felt strange that she had no degree and had just married and now had a family of her own. She mused that sometimes she felt the girls were lucky to get their degrees behind them before they started life.

Well, now its bein hazmanim and I am in the United States. I was talking with one of my closest friends who said that she just can't believe shes starting graduate school and shes not married. She just never pictured being single and going to school, getting her BA. A group of single friends were talking about how they feel stupid because girls our age have one and some even almost two kids and they are just in the same boat, going to school.

I thought this was highly amusing. It seems that no matter where you are in life, the other side of the fence looks appealing in some ways.

Seminary: phased out?

2009-05-06T11:01:00.002-04:00

Well, I went to seminary. The thought of being away from home for the year gave me goosebumps up until the plane ride. I'm not sure if I truly wanted to go, or if I knew I should... or a combination. But I got into my first choice, and I went.

And I cried. For a bit. I was very homesick, and I missed my family, my mother, my house, my life. But eventually, I got over it and made some great friends. Yes, I learned plenty. Had many experiences. Would I repeat the year? Never. Do I think that it was very good for me? Yes, of course.

But now... Aidel's sister is approaching the age of Seminary. Its a very tough topic. I don't think that she wants to go so much. She does, but she is not one that is dying to go. And my parents do not know where the money will go to pay for her. B'H, my parents are comfortable. But the thought of 25,000 additional dollars necessary for her year in Israel (Oh yes, with the plane tickets, spending cash, phone bills, and food bills that she is bound to have) it is just a LOT of money. And to spend it when she isn't even so enthused about it... they aren't sure.

I was speaking to a few young girls who are the age or soon to be age of going to sem, and it seems that less people are going. Is this true? From my year in HS, EVERYONE went. I mean sure, there were the few that stayed home, and they still get eyebrows for why they did not go. I don't want that to happen to my sister. Plus, I'd love to have her here in E'Y. And I do think that it is good for her. I'm just torn on whether its necessary for her to go.

As is she. What do you think?

My Erev Shabbos

2009-05-01T07:05:00.002-04:00

Usually, friday is busy. Not always hectic, but busy. This week finds me sitting at the computer, with a loss of what I usually do.

I normally cook most things Thursday night, leave a few things for friday but not too much. Friday is for straightening up the house, sponja, calling every relative in America, and getting ready for shabbos. Theres always the last minute hot-plate to turn on or sticking the kishka into the cholent pot right before shabbos.

I guess I must have cleaned up this whole week, having the free time that I did. And I finished all of my cooking yesterday, and quite early I might add. So its strange to have this time now to do... nothing. I don't want to start any of the projects on my to-do list because its Friday. I already set up the guest room... and I can't set the table yet because Mr. Aidel isn't home and has his stuff there.

I'm definitely enjoying the peace. I know that no matter what, by the time its time to light candles, Ill be rushing with not enough minutes. But for now, I sit and wait for shabbos to come.

Post-Pesach

2009-04-29T06:13:00.002-04:00

I know I am supposed to write an all-inspiring post of how it is to live in Israel and be back after Pesach, but I can't. I do love it here. Its so full of kedusha, with an oppurtunity to go to the kosel or geulah whenever I feel like it. Its just different. I miss my family and my friends in America. And I forgot how lonely it is to be alone for most of the day.

Furthermore, most of the few married friends that I had here moved back before Pesach. Its just weird to be back here when none of them are. No one really to call or do anything with, when Im not busy with my schoolwork or my apartment. I'm not complaining, I know I am so lucky to be here. My husband thrives here in his yeshiva, and where else can I make shabbos and have guests at my table whenever I like?

I guess I also feel that gap that http://teachurheartout.blogspot.com was talking about. I feel really separated from my friends in America whom are single. We really are now at different stages in life, and I don't want our friendships to disentegrate... but they will. I still make an effort to call them, but our conversations have changed. I just feel helpless because I don't want to be the married friend that forgot them. To me... it feels like they are the single girls who forgot me.

Who knew?

2009-02-09T08:57:00.003-05:00

So... I was having a chat with a fellow married friend, living back home. We were weighing the pros and cons of living in Israel, staying close to family, or moving further away but staying in the US. And it really got me thinking.

Of course, living in Eretz Yisroel is a privilege. I know that. There are many times that I look out my window and see the beauty... am able to just hop into a cab and be at the Kosel, etc. Besides. Everyone here is married. There is none of the pressure of keeping with married/single friends, because everyone here is the same. No one here gives me eyebrows when I have to go home to make supper. And everyone is basically on the same schedule. Another plus is shabbos. There are always guests to be had, whether yeshiva bachurim, seminary girls, or couples. We are often invited out and shabbos is a time where we can either be alone, or bond with others. And, being married six or so months... it has turned me into quite a cook. But I miss America. My family. My friends... less responsibilities.

My friend got married a few weeks after me. She lives in close proximity to her parents and married siblings, as well as all of our friends. She complains all the time, that the friends don't ever call her, invite her, etc. I tried telling her that sometimes married friends are intimidating, and they may just not want to bother her. All of her married friends do not live near her.... so she feels like the odd one out, being married. Our friends get to go to Florida and pizza, and she is the one that feels bad for having to make supper. It really turns the tables, no? Another point of hers is that out of all the shabbosim and yomim tovim that shes been married, she's made one shabbos. She asked me after five months of marriage how to make chicken. I think I swallowed my laughter... but it didn't really give them a chance to be themselves.

So here I am... missing home like crazy. Missing my friends, my family, my car, etc. I know E'Y is beautiful, but when you are here it can be really difficult. I cant wait for Pesach vacation and the ability to be home, with my parents... less responsibilities. But Im guessing that living like that, right away, is probably not the best thing. Israel probably is.

December lights

2008-12-24T09:34:00.007-05:00

Chanukah. Just the name illicits thoughts of lights and happiness, of snowy weather and hot cocoa and sitting indoors. Family.

Thats what Chanukah is to me. But anyway.. on to life.

this year, my chanukah is different. No singing Abba, no little siblings dancing and playing drediel, no big family parties. This year, its us 2. Lighting candles together, looking into the flames, and davening. Its very different. But beautiful at the same time.

Theres no mothers and grandmothers making latkes and serving doughnuts. In my family, we have tradition to bake chanukah cookies with all the kids. Sure, I miss that. This year Im the one making latkes. And if I want any parties, again I have to be in charge.

Sure, its difficult. Many of my friends succumbed to the homesickness that could very well envelop and destroy the beauty. But I won't let it. I still feel so special, and I feel the holiness and warmth of this holiday of lights.

I guess different is part of life.

Again

2008-12-02T09:31:00.002-05:00

So... first off, thanks to the generous commenters. Some of you really made me feel a lot better and understand exactly what it is thats bothering me. It was nice to feel that I am not crazy, nor wrong but simply afraid.

Thats what it is. I put my finger on it. Its not really jealousy, its fear. I have a fear of the unknown. A fear for the future. I know that a lot of people do, but with me I think its more pronounced. I know that I have not been married all that long, and really, its a bracha for some people to get to spend extra time together. Its just that as every month goes by, I think to myself, "Why not now?" And also, if it will ever happen. But its the same with shidduchim I think. I was just talking to one of my good friends who is back at home. She said that its not that she needs to be married next month. She's just afraid, and she wants to know if it will happen. If she had a crystal ball or ruach hakodesh, and she saw her wedding day in January 2009, she'd be fine. She just wants to know.

So I think its the same with me.

Besides, it just so happens that every single acqaintance and friend of mine is expecting. Yes, EVERY single last one who is here in EY. You are right if you say that I need to meet more people... its a bracha really. So many girls and blessed right away. Just when you are the odd one out... it kind of hurts.

Once again, may hashem answer our tefilos l'tovah and may we all be granted what we are waiting for bekarov.

Green again

2008-11-24T09:35:00.002-05:00

I decided that it must be it. I must be a jealous person. Why else would I feel that pulling on my heart, when I see what I want most and don't have? I'm not materialistic, so I have never felt it before with friend's clothes or things.

This is something else. Its something that I can't help. I know that everything is up to Hashem, and I do feel him in my life. But I still feel it....

Yes, I have time. What's the rush? Aidel, you felt the same way last year when you were getting nos. You looked at girl's left hands and felt that pang. You thought it was only that. And look at you now? Did you need to feel it? Did you need to be hard on yourself?

Somehow, this feels different.

I'm not desperate. Im happy. Thrilled really. But its just a pang. Its small, silent usually, but sometimes, it just feels stronger.

May hashem grant me and everyone else this year plenty of bracha, as well as clarity to see the good in our lives and in ourselves.

Mar-Cheshvan

2008-11-14T05:24:00.003-05:00

I don't know if you feel it, but I do. That bitterness. The feeling of this month dragging on, engulfing us so that we have nothing but rain and sadness.

I remember in Seminary. Everyone who was a "maven" said that November was like, the worst month to get through. Nothing to look forward to, no off days, nothing. And they were pretty much right. It was rainy, I was homesick, and it felt like the year would not end.

Now I'm one of those big mavens who have seminary girls over and tell them words of wisdom. I hear them kvetching, and I feel their pain. At this point, it does feel like Pesach, forget about June, is just skipping this year and instead we are having November over and over again.

But its not true. I, unlike them, do know that things fly by. Soon it will be Chanukah, and everyone knows that by chanukah, the year is over. And they will go home, and cry that they want to stay. Who knows where Ill be?

Its funny. Because I am happy here in E'Y. But I have to say, that now that Im finally settling down, I started feeling twinges of homesickness. Im not one of those girls who kvetch about going home every day, because they have to sift flour or because they just cant take it. Im ok. I just started feeling like I am really far away from my family at home. I miss them. I miss Sundays. I miss not being alone in the afternoons, and always having somewhere to go and hang out.

Is that a crime?

Gmar Chasima Tovah

2008-10-02T06:10:00.003-04:00

Thanks for all of the insightful comments! I know that these things should be ignored- but sometimes it is hard to just ignore everything. And I just wanted to let the singles know that they are not "out of the loop". When polled, most Newly married people feel closer to their single friends than the "marrieds". So for all who imagine their friends dropping them the instant they accept that wedding band, or even engagement ring, bets are off.

As for Rosh Hashana- I just wanted to comment on it. Usually, I look towards Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur with dread. Im not a shul person. I know, nineteen years old and she is antsy. But I am. I constantly look at my watch and look forward to exiting, to hearing that last kol shofar. Yom kippur is worse, because being the not-such-great faster that I am, I either feel terribly ill or leave shul. And then I just feel guilty. But this year- I gotta tell you- something was different.

I was in a shul where I did not know a soul. Sure, kiddush was really awkward, for until Mr. Aidel came to see if I was still alive, I just sat there looking into my machzor, seeming really holy. But davening.... well. The shul I was in made it come alive. Every stanza was a tune, a song, and I really just felt it. My shemona esrei is usually one of the shorter ones in the shul.. but it wasn't. I was just inspired. I just couldn't stop thinking about last Rosh Hashana- how I would have never imagined to be sitting here. Married. Sheitel on head, and in Israel. I thought of all the decisions of this past year, of everything that happened- and that everything had been decided on that one day. All of those brachos. So yeah, I was inspired. And I davened hard, imagining myself sitting somewhere next year.

So I just hope that we all remain inspired throughout the aseres ye'mai teshuvah, and maybe even the rest of the year. May we be zoche to have a year filled with simchas, mazal, and lots and lots of bracha and sweetness!

She's bacck

2008-09-11T08:44:00.005-04:00

Back and better than ever. No, I didn't quit. Thanks for the comments though- made me feel quite the wanted individual.

So- I guess my blog is changing a little. I mean, when I started almost a year ago, I was a girl reporting on the single side of the fence- in Touro, surrounded by the frenzy of shidduchim, singles vs. married, and just things of that sort. Now I am in E'Y, among only married people. It is a big change, let me tell you. For the last few months, I was the star. I was the mature one moving off from singleland to the scary and daunting imaginary picture of a married. And yet here I am, the same Aidel, and now I am the "oh, please *rolls eyes" newbie who tugs on her sheitel and walks with her head down past the park. Yeah, things change. And big time.

I know that everyone knows that while single, most think that only those who are married "matter". And that the married people all regard them as different. Like there is some sort of club that you only join with the diamond solitaire, or maybe even the platinum band. But I hate to break it to you that even amongst the banded ones, there are still the same rules. Its just different. Instead of like in Touro, where the first thing you notice is someone's left ring finger... here the stare is at people's stomachs. Seriously. Or the baby in their arms. You think that that challenge ends- like once you are married you can "breathe easy" and stop having something over your head. But now there is the new pressure...

And I am not even sure which one is worse.

Mrs. Knaidel

2008-07-27T14:51:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the long hiatus- well, why am I apologizing? Anyway- I was busy with wedding preparations, the wedding, sheva brachos, and settling into married life. But here I am- back and better than ever. And baruch hashem- those nerves are away.

Everyone keeps asking me- how is married life? What's it like? First off- I don't do any of the married tasks like cooking etc, because I live right near my parents and figure that its the summer. When the zman starts, and I actually move to E'Y, I will have plenty of oppurtunities for that.

As for feeling married- hah. I still can't believe it. It is so weird, but I have to say that the itchy sheitel does remind me of exactly that. I'm still the same person, I just happen to have less free time.

More soon- on the other side of the single friend's complaints. But mine can't complain, because I still call/text/visit them.

Dating Advice

2008-06-13T13:55:00.002-04:00

It seems that once a girl gets engaged, she becomes the guru for dating advice. She also suddenly gets listened to when it comes to rehding shidduchim. Sometimes. But until that moment, she is unheard.

I'm here to talk about after that moment. Suddenly, people flock to me like they flock to sample sales in the city. I get phone calls, I get nudges, and I am supposed to give this sagely advice, for obviously I know a secret because I have a ring on my finger.

This is so inherently false. I mean, just because whatever mess-ups I did didn't hurt my process, or didn't bother Mr. Mensch over here, does not mean that I know what I am doing. But I have to say that I followed this same path. When I was dating, I followed my engaged friend's advice. And this girl had only dated one boy!

However, I love to help. I have to admit, it is fun to hear people's dating stories and lives. Maybe I am just a gossip. I don't know. If I admit it, shouldn't that be something? But I feel terrible when I don't really know how to help them, or even if what I did they should follow, and they listen to me like I am the spokeswomen for dating.

Happy Shavuos

2008-06-08T12:39:00.004-04:00

Happy Shavuos everyone! I always love Shavuos, being a milchig person myself. Lasanga, blintzes, pizza knishes, cheese kugel, yum. The one thing that I happen not to enjoy is the cheesecake, for which I am told that I have no taste. But anyway...

I think it's just hysterical how many men complain about Shavuos and staying up all night. First of all, all night is like what, 4:30? Yes, it is a big deal to learn for such a long time. But they forget that many of us girls and women stay up the entire night before, cooking for yom tov. And waking up early to cook. Etc, etc.

Last year at this time, I was in Israel. Though I did feel a bit sad to be away from home for Yom Tov, I will never forget the feeling of being olah l'regel. Really. I felt like I, with the rest of my brothers in klal yisroel, went to get the torah. It was such an inspiring feeling that I wish I could have kept with me. But we all know how that inspiring moments are. In an instant, you feel like you could change the world, change yourself. And sadly, most of the time, that feeling fades.

Lets not let it fade this year. Though it may be taxing on everyone, it is a holiday that I think we should all enjoy and it should bring simcha and lots of mazal to all. :)

Bundles of...

2008-06-01T21:07:00.003-04:00

Nerves, nerves, and more nerves. There are so many things that turn my stomach upside-down, and make me feel that little squeel of nervousness. You would think that I'd stop eating, but no. Yet that bundle of nerves that replaced AidelKnaidel and turned into a monster is here until the wedding, I do think.

I find myself constantly looking in the mirror, whether it be whilst in a gown, or in a sheitel, and just feeling like I am a complete little faker who is playing dress up. This just feels absolutely surreal.

I've discovered the hoax

2008-05-28T13:41:00.003-04:00

I never knew there was so much to do for a wedding. I used to make poke fun at the engaged girls who claimed to be so busy. But now, finally, it is hitting me.

Things are really crazy now, what with finals beginning and the Spring semester ending. I don't know how they manage it, but in the Fall semester as well as the current one, they have scheduled for me three finals on the same day. Is that a promotion of fairness? I think not.

Can I let you in on a little secret?

I find myself hearing my friend's summer plans, of camp and even just school and hanging out, and I feel a bit saddened. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be getting married. I know that this is what I wanted, this is what everyone wanted. But I think that once individuals reach this stage, and know that it is coming, they then look back at "the good old days." I will miss having fun with my friends, not having a care in the world nor a time that I must be home.

But I am very, very happy. Does anyone share in my paradoxical feelings?

My Two Cents

2008-05-10T22:03:00.003-04:00

Wow- it has been awhile, but I have been busy with schoolwork and stuff. I think the Professors in Touro purposely collaberate and decide that all term papers should be due the week after Pesach. I mean, really!

Anyway- on the wedding front- b"h all is going well, and relatively smoothly bli ayin hara. And I have to say that I am really making an effort for my single friends. One of Best friends just got married this past week, and when she was engaged I realized how hard she worked to keep me in the loop. Of course, things do change, as people get busy. But there is a difference between being a tad busier than usual and dropping your friends like hot potatoes.

But I do have to say my piece about one thing. Besides for being treated differently by a vast lot of people, which is to be expected. I don't really understand why all of a sudden I am a novelty, but don't worry, I know that all of the attention wears off. Besides, I am not one that basks in it. But I have a complaint about one of my other single, best friends.

I know that it must be really difficult for her to feel like she is losing me. I felt the same way when she began to date before I did. But I really am trying. I call her at least every other day, keep the conversation on her and other things, and just laugh everything else that I am doing off. I don't want to drop her, I still love her and want to stay friends. Just because people get married, all of a sudden you can't be friends anymore?

But she treats me differently. I guess she doesn't want to be left alone when I leave, but still. All of sudden she is off making new friends, which is totally allowed, but she leaves me alone. I feel like we are drifting, and I really don't think it is because of me.

How weird is that. Its like the reverse complaint. Usually, its the single friends kvetching about the engaged ones. But I promised myself that I wouldn't be THAT engaged girl. And I'm not.

Still here; two feet on the ground

2008-04-13T21:29:00.003-04:00

Yes everyone, I have survived these past few weeks. lol. I chose that word on purpose. As for the euphoria, I think that as much as my personality and brain lets me, it has come. But I do have to tell you that a lot of people fake that "cloudiness" and "out-of-this-world" feeling. Of course it is amazing to be engaged. But everyone forgets the nervousness, the need to please a whole bunch of new people, and the roller-coaster ride of emotions that come along with everything. And the scary notion of change.

Everyone keeps asking me what it feels like to be this way. Let me tell you: it feels the same. I mean, sure, now I have to worry about silly things like the colors of dresses and coordinating shabbosim, but otherwise, I am still me. I have not been lifted to another planet where everything else in my life falls to the wayside. I mean, hello, this is AK we are talking about. I still have my reports, my mid-terms, and my friends. I do not believe in dropping friends just because I happen to be getting married. Everyone still needs their friends, no matter how amazing their chosson is. Yes, he is a very important part of my life and will always be. And he is and will always be my first best friend. But he does not replace all of the other relationships in my life, and neither do I replace his.

hides

2008-03-24T22:23:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone- this is just your typical announcement to let you know that I am, officially, engaged.

Yes me. I know. *shriek* I left the singles club and joined the terrified, shivering marrieds to be. And you know what? That planet that everyone says I am supposed to have been lifted to, or that feeling of euphoria that was supposed to come over me... has not yet arrived.

I am a very logical, analytical person who thinks things through way too much. And though I will tell most of the story of how I ended up where I am now- I must say that it is nothing like anyone tells you. Most of what people state, is all made up misbelief that they want to convince themselves of. And had I listened to all of them, even my newly engaged friends who hid the truth from me, I would not be.

More later. And I will not abandon this site, nor my religious visit to Bad4s site. And I will not become an obnoxious, engaged girl who drapes her hand around Touro to show off the bracelet.

Pressure levels

2008-03-19T11:27:00.003-04:00

Don't you just love the rules? By date X, you should feel Z. By date Y, you should be Q. I mean, who really knows?

Everyone is different. We all know that. We learned it in kindergarten, perhaps through Barney, btu we know it. We are all special. Unique. Abnormal. Weird. Whatever you want to call it, each and every person has something different, maybe even eccentric or strange about them. Yet when it comes to dating, we classify everyone into the same catagories. Everyone into the same molds.

Who said these things? Who declared themselves lord and decided these ridiculous guidelines for the rest of us mere commoners? Just to reiterate, no one is the same. That means that everyone has to step back and just let each person come to terms with whatever, however slow they might be.

the fear lives inside

2008-03-07T15:59:00.002-05:00

Well, hello all. Yes, I am still alive. I have been super busy with schoolwork- apparently term papers are "the" thing now and all I do is sit and write them. But otherwise, life is good. B'H.

Things have just been a little nuts. I think I have realized a lot about myself, and some of it is not so pleasant. I am afraid. Afraid of change. Afraid of growth. I am a creature of habit, a lover of routine and stagnation. I hate suprises and new things. I like everything to be a certain way. Yet I am not intense, but chilled about most things.

But now is just not a great time to be fearful. I am growing up, and I know that things will change one day, and that I must embrace them and not cower in their presence. But it terrifies me. And that makes me so frustrated.

In the blink of an eye

2008-02-15T00:51:00.003-05:00

Life is pretty funny. I mean one day, it is all the same and regular, and the next, your entire life changes. In an instant. Faster than you can spin around, faster than you can recite your own name. And it scares you. Because as much as you say you want it, and even if you mean in; you are afraid. Terrified of that giant leap we call change. Growth. It's all the same.

Awesome, huge, exhilerating, terrifying, and exciting. And that is the only way to describe it.

More later.

it's official!

2008-01-26T19:22:00.001-05:00

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, NO, I AM NOT ENGAGED. Hey, I have not even dated anyone yet. But, Aidel's BEST FRIEND is officially engaged. I knew this was coming, because I knew when she first dated him, and when it became serious. And I am still in a little bit of shock.

First off- I am soo soo excited for her. When she warned me, I was jumping up and down and could not stop smiling. Some of my friends thought that I was getting serious.. haha. It was cute. And even now, when I think about it, I am so so excited. I really am proud of myself- for not feeling the approach of the green monster. I assure myself that I will not lose her friendship, and that I too will i"yh be joining her in the suit of matrimony and will only benefit because I have an experienced close individual who can help guide me through the whatnots.

I just feel a little inexperienced. I mean, here she is, going and getting married, and I have not even dated yet. And on that note- Hopefully that is changing very soon. Which I am in midst of freaking out about. I mean, it has never been ok for me to talk to a boy. And now everyone is shoving me in some strange guy's direction, coaxing me to get to know him. Hah. I am terrified of making a fool of myself, of being mute, of blushing, and just looking idiotic. I have a tendency to smile goofily when I am nervous and blush profusively. Ahhhhh.

More on this later.

Davening works!

2008-01-16T23:12:00.000-05:00

Wow. I cannot first begin to thank all of my listeners and commenters. You really gave me sound advice, and did not make my problems feel trivial. But baruch hashem, something just happened. I davened so hard, asking Hashem to please make him reconsider. Make him listen to my view, even if it is on this. Because I know that even if this one boy is not for me, I need to go out there and break the ice, and get my feet a little wet. I think maybe once I start going out, he may realize the situation that really is.

Well, I did not need to go to his Rebbe. I was planning on it, with my mother of course, and that is a tremendous step for me. My father is an amazing person. He does more chessed than anyone I know, runs tons of organizations, and seriously is an honest and caring person. He would give the poor neighbor the shirt off his back, and he constantly puts others and their plight before my family. And right now, that is the problem. But... like I said. He does not really listen when it comes to other's opinions. And with shidduchim, it has gotten impossible.

So... I just davened. Poured out my soul to Hashem, asking him to please help. And miraculously, and suddenly, my father changed his mind. He decided that he was wrong, and if I wanted to go out with this boy, I could.
I am not saying that all is better. There will be issues in the future, and I will have to talk to someone about it. But right now, I just feel relieved. A huge weight has been lifted off my chest.

More on me, and my secret life later. But for now, I just wanted to inspire you, and mainly myself. I am not the girl who is always shuckling and remembering to daven mincha. Hey, I am lucky if I daven shacharis. But I do feel like I speak to Hashem and ask of him things. But wow. An answer that was so powerful and direct. I do feel loved, and so so lucky.

Help!

2008-01-11T12:57:00.000-05:00

Ok- I really do need some aid. Assistance. Something.
I will not bore you all to tears about my tears and whatnot. But I will say that I am in a very complicated situation.

Like I said- I have gotten a bunch of nos from boys. I know why, and it has nothing to do with me, but still. Anyway- lately I have been getting a lot of suggestions. A few days ago, I got a great one. And get this- he said yes already. But my father is making me turn him down. In fact, he made me turn down every single boy that had not already turned me down.

He only says yes to the boys that he picks out, or that his friend's suggest. And those mostly say no to me, or are completely not shaiich.

I just have no idea what to do. My mother agrees with me on this issue, but we cannot change his mind. He is adamant. And I am at a loss. Of course I have not gone out yet. At this rate, I will not.

And there is another thing. There is one particular boy, who he really wants me to go out with. I probably will end up, for his sake. But I feel like I am being forced into an arranged marriage. Marry him, or do not marry anyone at all. Marry him, or be a disappointment for the rest of your life.

I never knew what it feels like to be a disappointment to one's parents. Now I think I do know. And it kills me.

Musings

2007-12-26T11:51:00.001-05:00

*hides* I mean't to post days ago, I just have not found the time. So sorry. Oh well, here goes for my last few days of thoughts...

Again with the friends. One of my friends, who I am actually becoming closer with, got engaged like, right away. Awhile back. And she was so cute, and so excited, and not at all like those engaged girls we all make fun of all the time. And I was really happy, because she would tell me all her plans and we would just have fun together. But I do have to say, that a part of me looked at her and saw me in her eyes. She is a bit similar to me, so I thought, you see, "She's engaged, I will be too i"yh". And I also could not wait to be in her stage. It was not jealousy like with my friend Maidel 2- but I longed to be in her shoes.

Long no more. Sadly, she broke her engagement. This is now very real to me, because I have seen the stars in her eyes one day, and the next day, nothing. I'm not saying this is SO horrible, I mean, one of my parents also had a broken engagement before they met the other, and baruch hashem for that. I am just saying that when people speak about broken engagements, it just seems like the person was never really happy- they would have never gotten married anyway. But she was going to. She had everything already.

Anyway- looking at her, of course with my usual smile, but inner sadness, I had an epiphany (Sp?). Here I was, looking at this girl for a couple of months, wishing that I was. That she was so lucky to be on the market for such a short amount of time. That she was out of the rat race and carried a trophy. And now, she probably looks at me and has that same feeling. Because not only is she not ahead of me, but not she probably feels behind me. Lagging along.

I have to say that I am proud of myself. My parents decided that since I am now nineteen, that shidduchim should be coming strong and our phone should be ringing off the hook. This is of course because they think that the whole world knows they waiting for the end of December. Hah. But anyway- I am right now very happy with what I am doing, and not in a rush. Sure, I do want to get married, and it hurts when my friends are all excited and in it without me, but I am young. I have time. And someone will want to marry me. Right?

The call

2007-12-17T14:18:00.001-05:00

Yes, of course, it has happened by now. The call. Or shall I say, the calls. Reference calls. You can tell right away by the demure-like tone of the other person, from her first "hello." This is what mine sounded like yesterday:

Ring Ring. [To some revach tune or whatever I use for the strange numbers] I thought it was my friend from California.
Aidel: "Hello?!" Not in the best aidel-maidel tone either.
Women X: "Hi, is this Aidel Knaidel?" in a polite, restricted sort of "hem, hem" voice.
Aidel: Oh, yes, hello.
Women X: "Well, I have you as a reference for Maidel Two. Can I ask you some questions?"
At this point, I rack my brains for three positive and slightly different adjectives about the girl.

And then it goes on. For some reason, I feel enormous butterflies in my stomach when I hear the slight alteration in the tone of voice. My palms get sweaty, and I feel as if I am the one on the stage, being interviewed.

Does anyone else feel silly? I cannot gush to a stranger. Especially about how pretty, smart, funny, fun etc. she is when she is not. Sure, she can be a great friend, even my best, but I can't fudge the truth. Of course, I don't volunteer any information, and I make her sound awesome. But I didn't add any sprinkles.

Then of course, comes the odd questions. Someone asked me- no joke- "If she was not jewish, what type of girl would she be?" Umm, excuse me. She is. And I am too. Jewish and frum. So, well, I don't know?
I was more than taken aback by that one.

I also hated this question: "What does she do for fun?" That is really tricky, because you don't want her to sound bad, say if she watches movies or goes online... And yet, you don't want her to sound boring. I wanted to ask the woman: What type of girl are YOU looking for? And then I could answer accordingly.

Every answer has its own nuance and can be taken in several different ways. I honestly think this is one of the many faulty parts of the system.

... I dont want you to see

2007-12-10T12:19:00.000-05:00

So I wrote before that I discovered the green within. Envy. Jealousy. You know, the middah that is the worst, that turns everything around and eventually poisins everything. Well, wait. I'm not that bad off yet.

I have this friend. We can call her Maidel, I guess. And Maidel and I talk on the phone almost every night, about everything. From stupidity to dating, to whatever. Anyway- we were both pretty much on the same page with shidduchim. Meaning: both of use hadn't gone out yet. I had some prospects; and as you know, many rejected me, some are still in the works, and I rejected one. She was pretty much not as busy. Then she had this prospective guy, and guess what, she got a yes. And she was going out.

And suddenly, I did not want to hear about it anymore. That might be because we absolutely exhausted the topic, but I do not know. I started getting annoyed with her and felt like she was bragging a bit. Maybe she was, but that is ok. It is her prerogative, and I should be excited for her.

So I am. I was. Whatever. I mean, I really was. I coached her into what to say, to wear, to do. I felt butterflies the whole shabbos knowing when she was going out. I was her reference.. I mean, yes. I didn't do anything that was bad. I just felt awful.

It went away, well, a bit. But I just really hate what this is making me become.

The other side of me

2007-12-05T20:48:00.000-05:00

Did you ever discover a part of yourself that you never knew existed? I know that this happens all the time, with talents and whatever. Take me for example, I never knew that I could draw until I actually had to pick up a pencil in the ninth grade. Or that I didn't know I was a good dancer until I was picked to be head of dance in camp in the summer after ninth grade? I guess freshman year was a big one for me. Hah.

But this time, I am talking about something a little less exciting. I am talking about discovering an ugly part of you. But I mean me. Of course, it crops up in occasion. Things you don't like about yourself. But never, never, had I experienced something like this.

Jealousy. The big, green giant. But not the one in the cans of yummy corn. This one is all me, and let me tell you, Aidel had never experienced something like this before.

Thanks

2007-11-27T22:03:00.000-05:00

Just a quick little detour from my boring term papers. College...

Anyway- I wanted to thank all of you for your nice and inspiring comments. I was feeling MUY confused last time, and that was mainly because of my situation with certain boys and my parents. But after thinking about it, I think that I do know what I want. I am never really this insecure about anything, and it scares me. What is this doing to me? I have firmly decided in my mind that I am happy the way it is right now, and I should not get myself all worked up. I mean, I have plenty of time. If something comes up and its good, great. If it does not work out, thats good too. It is hashem sending me a message. Because he knows that I have a hard time saying no.

I dont know what I want anymore

2007-11-22T23:41:00.000-05:00

I really don't know what is wrong with me. I mean, I came home so sure of what I wanted. And was totally gung-ho about everything- kollel wise, learning for how long and whatever. And now- not so sure. Perhaps it is because I have had a few recent bad experiences with the lot of boys whom are supposed to be those "top boys" I should be moiser nefesh to have.

All I know is that the more time is going by, the less and less sure of myself I am becoming. And it really freaks me out. I know I want a boy to be learning, but for how long, I do not know. I am not a forever type of hashem yaazor girl, and do not think I can live up to that.

AHHHH. I hate this stinking pressure. I'm sort of happy that I have time till I have to go out now. I feel as if I am a pendulum, swinging from side to side.

The rules

2007-11-20T21:09:00.000-05:00

So, how can you tell if a girl is engaged?

First of all, there seems to be a general rule. It does not apply to all engaged girls, in fact, I know plenty of them who shy away from this. But pretty much, if you see a girl in Touro, or wherever, jerking her left hand around as if she has a twitch, she is engaged. It's kind of like, "Oh, let me fix my hair, with this hand, and shine my ring in your eyes." It's lovely, really. I'm not being cynical at all. I hope when I am engaged I too can partake in this fun act. It is just a comical observation.

Second, just wait for that snippet of conversation. I mean, I was sitting in the lounge and overheard, or rather, heard because it was so loud, a funny convo.
Girl: Oh my gosh, I just like, totally don't know what to buy HIM. I have never known a BOY before.
Friend: Yeah. I don't know.
Girl: I mean, do I buy HIM a tie? Or do I buy "my chosson" ... lalalala.

LOL. I turned around to this girl and with a huge smile asked, "Are you engaged?" What do you think was her reply? "Me? Oh, how did you know."

too cute. lol.

NaNoWriMo

2007-11-16T00:44:00.000-05:00

Does anyone do NaNoWriMo? For those of you who don't know, it is Nationa November/Novel Writing Month. There is a challenge to all of those who feel a novel inside them- to write a 50,000 worded first draft in a month. 30 days. Its nuts, but quite invigorating. And its about the quantity, not quality.

I don't know if you ever tried to write a novel. But I have. And I know that you get so stuck trying to make it perfect, with every line sounding smart and whatever. And then you get to page ten, and thats it. Nothing comes out.

NaNoWriMo is the thing to challenge that writers block. It is just for fun, and you can write about anything. I decided to take the challenge this year- but of course got side-tracked with midterms. So I'm up to 9,000 words instead of 25,000. Bit of a problem, eh? lol.

It is a great way to express yourself. And mine's totally kosher, don't worry. Its YA.

weddings

2007-11-11T21:17:00.000-05:00

Alright, we all know about the Agudah's takanos of what you can and cannot have at a proper, hechsherized wedding. I think that the guest list is limited, as is the band, shmorg, and no bar. There is also a ban on the vort. And all this is to cut down the costs of weddings.

People are obviously spending more than they can afford. With weddings come mass expenses. And lets not forget the furniture, or even the gown rentals! There is so much money that has to be spent its almost comical.

So it makes sense that the rabbanim try to lower the costs. But I was thinking. I mean- yes, there is a difference in the wedding halls, and the catering and everything. But why on earth do we have to feed every single person we have ever known? And you can't chas veshalom not invite them, for they will be insulted.

Why do we have to have a whole ganzt meal. I would be perfectly happy with a shmorg. I mean, who eats at weddings anyway? I know that I don't. But maybe I am speaking for myself. I think it is ridiculous how society creates these neccessities. So what if we don't keep up with the Jones, or is it the Cohens?

Why do my friend's parents have to cry and worry about debt because they are marrying off their daughter? Weddings should not be about the materialistic things that we have made them into.

Last time

2007-11-08T23:57:00.000-05:00

I didn't really mean to sound pessimistic, or desperate in my last post. I was just feeling a small bit of rejection, and I needed some sort of catharsis. But feeling bad for AidelKnaidel time is now over. For now.

It's just that, for my entire teenage years, I have been envisioning the shidduch age. I always knew it was hard and all, but I never imagined it was like this. I honestly thought that you come home from Seminary, and your phone is ringing with suggestions. I did not know that this only happens when the boys come back from Yeshiva. Hah. With girls, you practically have to beg.

I am so young. I know. I don't mean to sound annoying, and low, and just desperate. I'm not. I have plenty of time, I am quite busy... and I will be acquiring my BA in another year and a half. But, the longing is still there. It isn't as strong as my older counterparts. But it is there. And the rejection hurts at eighteen as much as it does as twenty one.

Sorry- will write longer as soon as I finish with my round of exams.

My letter

2007-11-01T23:49:00.001-04:00

Really, it is fine that you said no to me. I know that you are a top boy. And that I am young. And I didn't go to BJJ or whatever the top seminary is now. And that it wasn't you, but your mother who has a list full of hopeful girls. And that I am not supposed to know that I was even considered, but I do know. And I am glad that hashem has taken away someone not right for me, instead of making me decide. That is in fact, exactly what I asked of him.

But why do I feel so lost? I was actually quite calm and chipper when I figured it out from my father. Its fine. I smiled and told him that I am glad to have the decision out of my hands. I mean, its only the third boy that my father wanted for me to say no. Or not yet. Yeah, right. I would say that I was busy too instead of confrontation.

I know there are so many boys. And that I do not need to get married this year, or when I am nineteen. It is just the waiting. The feeling now. It is melancholy and low. I'm really ok. Right?

I have to remember. Remind myself that it is not me. I am a good girl. A BY one, who is nice. I have a good name. I know that I am nice looking, and thin. I do well. I am intellectual. And I want what is best. I strive to be better. Sure, maybe I am not from the "frummest" neighborhood. And yes, my family does watch DVDs. Is that why you turned me down? It is really ok. I'd just like to be given a chance.

What if no one wants to give me a chance?

Inner Debate

2007-10-21T21:33:00.000-04:00

So, I decided to take a break from part two of my shidduch talk, and just talk about other, important topics. Maybe. But part two, along with ten and twenty, will be up very soon.
{{First off- thanks to my amazing commenters! Wow- I did not expect my first post to get so many, as well as the fact that they are from people who are well-established in blog land and with great blogs. I mean, I read yours all the time. So thanks. }}

But on to my topic for the day. Now, its really about Raising Children. But not just any. Mine. One day. Now, we are not going onto a tangent and talking about finding that husband, but the actual art of raising kids.

After Seminary, I know that it is not inborn and has to be worked at. There has to be a system. But what system? I feel like every kid is sooo different. Take my parents for example, and me. My parents were pretty strict, but I didn't feel it. I was allowed to watch TV/Movies, and my mother let me listen to what I wanted. But Boys? Chas Veshalom. Now I'll you- I did have many oppurtunities in the ninth/tenth grades to go with my friends and do "bad stuff." But I didn't. Why not?

Well, that stumps me. I know that I was a shy kid, so that could have been why. Or maybe it was because I had a conscience. Or was it the fear of my parents? I'll tell you what. I was always able to talk to my mother and I actually told her once that I really wanted to. That for sure helped. But I don't know what exactly it was that stopped me from doing anything of the sort.

My parents are great parents. They are. I mean, now I have some complaints just because I am older, and being the oldest, they don't really know what to do with me. But I think they did a good job. In fact, people are always telling them that, because the sister under me is an angel. Pretty much- anyway out of the house.

But I am worried a different sister. One who is ten years old, and quite a handful. I don't know if my parents' "method" is going to work for her like with me. And that actually got me to my first question, What makes a child raised well?
[On to raising children, part two next time. Later!]

"The Market"

2007-10-11T01:18:00.000-04:00

I have been home for what, 3 months? Almost Four? And already, the pressure is on. I feel it. I have to admit that I felt it a bit in seminary, all the way on the other side of the ocean. It is intense. The not-knowing who, what, when, where, or how? No one wants to be the last one. And for some reason, everyone feels forgotten.

And this is quite pathetic. But I am absolutely no better. I am eighteen years old, fresh out of Sem, and I feel nervous. Stressed. And this is the norm. I have to say that although it is the norm, it is not exactly normal.

Whats the problem? I was not supposed to be dating anyway until after way Chanukkah, when I turn nineteen. And most girls start after sukkos. Which was three days ago. But I still feel it. Maybe it is in my unconscious, or pre-conscious. Whatever the psycho-analysis term that it is. One thing is for sure, those psychiatrists would say that all jewish single girls are medically INSANE. Or maybe its the world?

Why does an eighteen year old/nineteen year old feel such pressure? Is it really such a horror if the girl gets a bit of college done, or makes some money, and matures a little? Why is there are nebach to the age 21? Why do I get appraising looks when I walk into a kiddush or whatever? Why do I have to get dressed up whenever I step out of my house? Its a crazy world I tell you. And it is me too, don't get me wrong. I feel like I'm dying to get married. And for no good reason. I know I am still immature in some ways. Have plenty of room to grow. And I probably don't deserve the type of boy that I want. But those are my issues.

More on this later. Meanwhile, whoever reads this: I'd love to hear your thoughts. Part two, or shall I say, a more personal aspect of this rant, is coming soon.

Welcome

2007-10-10T23:55:00.000-04:00

So, here I am. Posting. I've been a blog reader for some time now. And a definite internet lurker. And I just feel like I have things to say. Now, here is a little bit about me. I am an eighteen year old girl who is just back from Seminary is Israel. I am a "BY" ish type girl, though not the regular boring stereotypical type. I like to think of myself as different. Special. Maybe we will just stick with different. But I am now home and officially "on the market". Oh yes. And busy too, with school and work.

So who am I? I'm that girl in your Science class. I'm the girl down the block. The girl you went to school with. The girl you remember from camp. I'm the average, teenage jewish-frum girl. And you know me. Or do you??