Out of the Race

I am so glad to be out of the race. No pressure, no worrying what everyone else is doing, that everyone else has a ring, that everyone else has a baby... none.

Its the time. I thought that other bloggers were a little funny when they said that they had their first baby, but their friends had seconds... and they were behind. I mean, once you have one, you are set, right?

Well, for me yes. I definitely felt a little wary about getting engaged, when when when. The same for having a baby. Second- seriously- whenever hashem deems it the time. Im at the point where all of my friends here who married a bit before me- have two, or are almost about to have two. I know that some of my friends feel the pressure- they have admitted to me that they do. I don't. Really. Im not even trying to convince you, me, or anyone else.

I feel so happy. So hopeful for the future. And I wanted to relay the message. The race DOES end. It really does!!!

My Rosh Hashana Reflection

I think this is my third year of blogging-- wow. Every year around Rosh Hashana time, I look back and remember what has happened to me in the past year. Last year I had just had little aidel a while before, and felt so connected to Rosh Hashana, how I had davened to have a little one before the next year, and there I was, sitting a year later with her. I felt so connected.

The year before that, I had davened to be wearing a sheitel the next year in shul. And that next year, I was. When we have these days of marking, to look back upon, it can really make you think. Why doesn't a random day, say March 7, make you think about the last year? But your birthday does? Because the day has meaning.

Hashem gives, and Hashem takes. Let us all feel the warmth of Rosh Hashana, the spirituality and the feeling that if we daven for it, Hashem can give it and next year can be different.

Hopefully its a matter of time

Thanks for the comments. Unfortunately, the feelings i spoke about in the last post have not gone away. Perhaps they are getting worse.

I feel so bad. Last year, I adored it here. I never felt bored- I was busy with school, with friends, and I didn't mind being home alone in my apartment. Now I guess its different. Because I have Little Aidel, she keeps me busy- but she hates being home. She wants to be outside, and I guess I just feel so alone with no one to call. Im bored with myself, bored of walking to the same places myself. And there is no option of just staying home- she goes stir crazy.

Im starting to drive Mr. Aidel crazy I think. Im finally telling him how I feel... and though usually he is quite understanding, now he is not so. I guess because he is in yeshiva and is always out and with people, he just can't understand my feelings. He does not know why I am feeling so alone if I have little aidel, and why I can't just sit in the park? Obviously, he is understanding and if I were truly miserable, we would move back. I don't want to though. I do like it here.... just this zman has been so incredibly hard for me, its even hard not to cry about it.

I hope next zman will be better. Bein HaZmanim is coming up, so then everything should be fine... and I hope by Elul I have this thing figured out and I feel better about being here. If not, we are in for a long year.

Update

I think it is easier to post daily, when you don't feel like every post has to be earth-shattering and amazing. I am a writer and a reader at heart and in life, and I have so much to say but then it just fizzles. Writers block. And I hate blogs where the author writes once every few months... alas that is me.

How is life? Great. Baruch Hashem. Ups and downs. Mostly ups, but lets not deny there are downs. Little aidel is growing and keeping me very busy, bh. Life here in EY is so different than in America. Here my day runs in shifts. There is the morning, then lunch, afternoon, supper, and night. Mornings are busy with Little One and my job, lunch with Mr Aidel, afternoons.... supper... and then the night is cleaning up and putting LA to sleep. Its hard, exhausting, and at the same time I find myself bored at times. Maybe the right word isn't bored. Maybe its lonely?

Most of my friends, or girls my age that I knew here, have moved on to chutz la'aretz. They are busy finishing school, getting jobs, and having second children. It is sad for me that I feel like I am left here, but at the same time I feel grateful to still be here. It bothers me that there are days I want to join them. I know one day I am going to look back and wish I could still be here. Because its not forever. Its temporary. And maybe that is what drives people crazy... knowing that our lives here are only for now, and that they will change drastically when we go back.

I hate whiners and kvetchers, and I have become one. I have become someone who feels lonely, and who can't just walk around herself being entertained. I know there are plenty of chessed opportunities, and I do them. I go to inspiring places... but I guess I just miss what I had here. And I miss my family.

Taboo

Thanks for the welcome back wishes and mazal tovs.

Before I got married, I thought I knew it all. Rules, halachos, I didnt expect to learn anything new. Well, I was unpleasantly surprised.

Once married, you enter an entire world that is based around halacha. Never in my life did I know when shkia was besides for on a friday, for shabbos. I thought it was a man's job to know. Not so. I never thought that keeping halacha could be so hard or so embarrassing.

Not to scare the single ones off from getting married. Being married is truly wonderful, most of the time. But there is something in not having to worry about getting home at a certain time, and there is definitely less stress about it. I told one of my good single friends to just enjoy her time without worrying that you are doing something wrong.

I know that this subject is basically taboo to discuss. But I dont think I am talking explicitly here, and it is on my mind. Am I the only one that really has a hard time?

Hello there

So yes.. it has been awhile. Im guessing you guessed it, but BH- bchasdei hashem- we were blessed with an adorable, healthy baby girl. So whilst I was getting back to myself and learning how to care for a little being- I got a little busy. Then settling back into our apartment and Israel.... I just left the blog on the back burner. But Ive been lurking.

Remember my posts of last year? Im sure you do. It was how envious I was- how unsure. And I know that many people would like to ask me- now that I have my beautiful little girl- am I sorry that I worried? And I dont think so. You see- its the crystal ball phenomenon. If we knew yes, and when- we would enjoy the waiting time. If we knew that on January 9 2010 we would get engaged- then why worry for the 2 years preceding? But we dont know. So we do worry.

2 of my single friends have just become Kallahs. My other married friend of the "group" complained that the girls didnt tell her they were dating- which if she and I didnt do back then... we wouldve gotten stares and silences. But alas- they may feel slighted. We are both married well over a year, with babies of our own. They often complain about us, I am sure. She was saying that now that they are getting married- they will understand. Understand why she cant pick up at 8 pm and drop her baby and husband who comes home from work at 7:30 to go "hang out" in NYC once a week. Why sometimes she has to miss things- vorts, possibly even weddings.

Once again- I do see both views. The single ones feel like they lost us. Which in a way, they have. But it isnt our fault. And we married ones wait for our phone calls as well. Maybe they got shy suddenly, when one of us has a husband, or a child... but still. Friendship has to be a two way street.

Two Sides of the Fence

While I was in Israel- I was sitting with a group of my friends who had married right out of seminary, moved to Israel, and were b'h blessed with children less than a year later. Their babies are turning one in the next few months. We were sitting and talking about our friends whom were single and in the states. One of the girls commented, "I can't believe our friends are starting graduate school. I mean, thats big." She wasn't saying anything about regretting marrying young, she just felt strange that she had no degree and had just married and now had a family of her own. She mused that sometimes she felt the girls were lucky to get their degrees behind them before they started life.

Well, now its bein hazmanim and I am in the United States. I was talking with one of my closest friends who said that she just can't believe shes starting graduate school and shes not married. She just never pictured being single and going to school, getting her BA. A group of single friends were talking about how they feel stupid because girls our age have one and some even almost two kids and they are just in the same boat, going to school.

I thought this was highly amusing. It seems that no matter where you are in life, the other side of the fence looks appealing in some ways.

Seminary: phased out?

Well, I went to seminary. The thought of being away from home for the year gave me goosebumps up until the plane ride. I'm not sure if I truly wanted to go, or if I knew I should... or a combination. But I got into my first choice, and I went.

And I cried. For a bit. I was very homesick, and I missed my family, my mother, my house, my life. But eventually, I got over it and made some great friends. Yes, I learned plenty. Had many experiences. Would I repeat the year? Never. Do I think that it was very good for me? Yes, of course.

But now... Aidel's sister is approaching the age of Seminary. Its a very tough topic. I don't think that she wants to go so much. She does, but she is not one that is dying to go. And my parents do not know where the money will go to pay for her. B'H, my parents are comfortable. But the thought of 25,000 additional dollars necessary for her year in Israel (Oh yes, with the plane tickets, spending cash, phone bills, and food bills that she is bound to have) it is just a LOT of money. And to spend it when she isn't even so enthused about it... they aren't sure.

I was speaking to a few young girls who are the age or soon to be age of going to sem, and it seems that less people are going. Is this true? From my year in HS, EVERYONE went. I mean sure, there were the few that stayed home, and they still get eyebrows for why they did not go. I don't want that to happen to my sister. Plus, I'd love to have her here in E'Y. And I do think that it is good for her. I'm just torn on whether its necessary for her to go.

As is she. What do you think?

My Erev Shabbos

Usually, friday is busy. Not always hectic, but busy. This week finds me sitting at the computer, with a loss of what I usually do.

I normally cook most things Thursday night, leave a few things for friday but not too much. Friday is for straightening up the house, sponja, calling every relative in America, and getting ready for shabbos. Theres always the last minute hot-plate to turn on or sticking the kishka into the cholent pot right before shabbos.

I guess I must have cleaned up this whole week, having the free time that I did. And I finished all of my cooking yesterday, and quite early I might add. So its strange to have this time now to do... nothing. I don't want to start any of the projects on my to-do list because its Friday. I already set up the guest room... and I can't set the table yet because Mr. Aidel isn't home and has his stuff there.

I'm definitely enjoying the peace. I know that no matter what, by the time its time to light candles, Ill be rushing with not enough minutes. But for now, I sit and wait for shabbos to come.

Post-Pesach

I know I am supposed to write an all-inspiring post of how it is to live in Israel and be back after Pesach, but I can't. I do love it here. Its so full of kedusha, with an oppurtunity to go to the kosel or geulah whenever I feel like it. Its just different. I miss my family and my friends in America. And I forgot how lonely it is to be alone for most of the day.

Furthermore, most of the few married friends that I had here moved back before Pesach. Its just weird to be back here when none of them are. No one really to call or do anything with, when Im not busy with my schoolwork or my apartment. I'm not complaining, I know I am so lucky to be here. My husband thrives here in his yeshiva, and where else can I make shabbos and have guests at my table whenever I like?

I guess I also feel that gap that http://teachurheartout.blogspot.com was talking about. I feel really separated from my friends in America whom are single. We really are now at different stages in life, and I don't want our friendships to disentegrate... but they will. I still make an effort to call them, but our conversations have changed. I just feel helpless because I don't want to be the married friend that forgot them. To me... it feels like they are the single girls who forgot me.