December lights

Chanukah. Just the name illicits thoughts of lights and happiness, of snowy weather and hot cocoa and sitting indoors. Family.

Thats what Chanukah is to me. But anyway.. on to life.

this year, my chanukah is different. No singing Abba, no little siblings dancing and playing drediel, no big family parties. This year, its us 2. Lighting candles together, looking into the flames, and davening. Its very different. But beautiful at the same time.

Theres no mothers and grandmothers making latkes and serving doughnuts. In my family, we have tradition to bake chanukah cookies with all the kids. Sure, I miss that. This year Im the one making latkes. And if I want any parties, again I have to be in charge.

Sure, its difficult. Many of my friends succumbed to the homesickness that could very well envelop and destroy the beauty. But I won't let it. I still feel so special, and I feel the holiness and warmth of this holiday of lights.

I guess different is part of life.

Again

So... first off, thanks to the generous commenters. Some of you really made me feel a lot better and understand exactly what it is thats bothering me. It was nice to feel that I am not crazy, nor wrong but simply afraid.

Thats what it is. I put my finger on it. Its not really jealousy, its fear. I have a fear of the unknown. A fear for the future. I know that a lot of people do, but with me I think its more pronounced. I know that I have not been married all that long, and really, its a bracha for some people to get to spend extra time together. Its just that as every month goes by, I think to myself, "Why not now?" And also, if it will ever happen. But its the same with shidduchim I think. I was just talking to one of my good friends who is back at home. She said that its not that she needs to be married next month. She's just afraid, and she wants to know if it will happen. If she had a crystal ball or ruach hakodesh, and she saw her wedding day in January 2009, she'd be fine. She just wants to know.

So I think its the same with me.

Besides, it just so happens that every single acqaintance and friend of mine is expecting. Yes, EVERY single last one who is here in EY. You are right if you say that I need to meet more people... its a bracha really. So many girls and blessed right away. Just when you are the odd one out... it kind of hurts.

Once again, may hashem answer our tefilos l'tovah and may we all be granted what we are waiting for bekarov.

Green again

I decided that it must be it. I must be a jealous person. Why else would I feel that pulling on my heart, when I see what I want most and don't have? I'm not materialistic, so I have never felt it before with friend's clothes or things.

This is something else. Its something that I can't help. I know that everything is up to Hashem, and I do feel him in my life. But I still feel it....

Yes, I have time. What's the rush? Aidel, you felt the same way last year when you were getting nos. You looked at girl's left hands and felt that pang. You thought it was only that. And look at you now? Did you need to feel it? Did you need to be hard on yourself?

Somehow, this feels different.

I'm not desperate. Im happy. Thrilled really. But its just a pang. Its small, silent usually, but sometimes, it just feels stronger.

May hashem grant me and everyone else this year plenty of bracha, as well as clarity to see the good in our lives and in ourselves.

Mar-Cheshvan

I don't know if you feel it, but I do. That bitterness. The feeling of this month dragging on, engulfing us so that we have nothing but rain and sadness.

I remember in Seminary. Everyone who was a "maven" said that November was like, the worst month to get through. Nothing to look forward to, no off days, nothing. And they were pretty much right. It was rainy, I was homesick, and it felt like the year would not end.

Now I'm one of those big mavens who have seminary girls over and tell them words of wisdom. I hear them kvetching, and I feel their pain. At this point, it does feel like Pesach, forget about June, is just skipping this year and instead we are having November over and over again.

But its not true. I, unlike them, do know that things fly by. Soon it will be Chanukah, and everyone knows that by chanukah, the year is over. And they will go home, and cry that they want to stay. Who knows where Ill be?

Its funny. Because I am happy here in E'Y. But I have to say, that now that Im finally settling down, I started feeling twinges of homesickness. Im not one of those girls who kvetch about going home every day, because they have to sift flour or because they just cant take it. Im ok. I just started feeling like I am really far away from my family at home. I miss them. I miss Sundays. I miss not being alone in the afternoons, and always having somewhere to go and hang out.

Is that a crime?

Gmar Chasima Tovah

Thanks for all of the insightful comments! I know that these things should be ignored- but sometimes it is hard to just ignore everything. And I just wanted to let the singles know that they are not "out of the loop". When polled, most Newly married people feel closer to their single friends than the "marrieds". So for all who imagine their friends dropping them the instant they accept that wedding band, or even engagement ring, bets are off.

As for Rosh Hashana- I just wanted to comment on it. Usually, I look towards Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur with dread. Im not a shul person. I know, nineteen years old and she is antsy. But I am. I constantly look at my watch and look forward to exiting, to hearing that last kol shofar. Yom kippur is worse, because being the not-such-great faster that I am, I either feel terribly ill or leave shul. And then I just feel guilty. But this year- I gotta tell you- something was different.

I was in a shul where I did not know a soul. Sure, kiddush was really awkward, for until Mr. Aidel came to see if I was still alive, I just sat there looking into my machzor, seeming really holy. But davening.... well. The shul I was in made it come alive. Every stanza was a tune, a song, and I really just felt it. My shemona esrei is usually one of the shorter ones in the shul.. but it wasn't. I was just inspired. I just couldn't stop thinking about last Rosh Hashana- how I would have never imagined to be sitting here. Married. Sheitel on head, and in Israel. I thought of all the decisions of this past year, of everything that happened- and that everything had been decided on that one day. All of those brachos. So yeah, I was inspired. And I davened hard, imagining myself sitting somewhere next year.

So I just hope that we all remain inspired throughout the aseres ye'mai teshuvah, and maybe even the rest of the year. May we be zoche to have a year filled with simchas, mazal, and lots and lots of bracha and sweetness!

She's bacck

Back and better than ever. No, I didn't quit. Thanks for the comments though- made me feel quite the wanted individual.



So- I guess my blog is changing a little. I mean, when I started almost a year ago, I was a girl reporting on the single side of the fence- in Touro, surrounded by the frenzy of shidduchim, singles vs. married, and just things of that sort. Now I am in E'Y, among only married people. It is a big change, let me tell you. For the last few months, I was the star. I was the mature one moving off from singleland to the scary and daunting imaginary picture of a married. And yet here I am, the same Aidel, and now I am the "oh, please *rolls eyes" newbie who tugs on her sheitel and walks with her head down past the park. Yeah, things change. And big time.

I know that everyone knows that while single, most think that only those who are married "matter". And that the married people all regard them as different. Like there is some sort of club that you only join with the diamond solitaire, or maybe even the platinum band. But I hate to break it to you that even amongst the banded ones, there are still the same rules. Its just different. Instead of like in Touro, where the first thing you notice is someone's left ring finger... here the stare is at people's stomachs. Seriously. Or the baby in their arms. You think that that challenge ends- like once you are married you can "breathe easy" and stop having something over your head. But now there is the new pressure...

And I am not even sure which one is worse.

Mrs. Knaidel

Sorry for the long hiatus- well, why am I apologizing? Anyway- I was busy with wedding preparations, the wedding, sheva brachos, and settling into married life. But here I am- back and better than ever. And baruch hashem- those nerves are away.

Everyone keeps asking me- how is married life? What's it like? First off- I don't do any of the married tasks like cooking etc, because I live right near my parents and figure that its the summer. When the zman starts, and I actually move to E'Y, I will have plenty of oppurtunities for that.

As for feeling married- hah. I still can't believe it. It is so weird, but I have to say that the itchy sheitel does remind me of exactly that. I'm still the same person, I just happen to have less free time.

More soon- on the other side of the single friend's complaints. But mine can't complain, because I still call/text/visit them.

Dating Advice

It seems that once a girl gets engaged, she becomes the guru for dating advice. She also suddenly gets listened to when it comes to rehding shidduchim. Sometimes. But until that moment, she is unheard.

I'm here to talk about after that moment. Suddenly, people flock to me like they flock to sample sales in the city. I get phone calls, I get nudges, and I am supposed to give this sagely advice, for obviously I know a secret because I have a ring on my finger.

This is so inherently false. I mean, just because whatever mess-ups I did didn't hurt my process, or didn't bother Mr. Mensch over here, does not mean that I know what I am doing. But I have to say that I followed this same path. When I was dating, I followed my engaged friend's advice. And this girl had only dated one boy!

However, I love to help. I have to admit, it is fun to hear people's dating stories and lives. Maybe I am just a gossip. I don't know. If I admit it, shouldn't that be something? But I feel terrible when I don't really know how to help them, or even if what I did they should follow, and they listen to me like I am the spokeswomen for dating.

Happy Shavuos

Happy Shavuos everyone! I always love Shavuos, being a milchig person myself. Lasanga, blintzes, pizza knishes, cheese kugel, yum. The one thing that I happen not to enjoy is the cheesecake, for which I am told that I have no taste. But anyway...

I think it's just hysterical how many men complain about Shavuos and staying up all night. First of all, all night is like what, 4:30? Yes, it is a big deal to learn for such a long time. But they forget that many of us girls and women stay up the entire night before, cooking for yom tov. And waking up early to cook. Etc, etc.

Last year at this time, I was in Israel. Though I did feel a bit sad to be away from home for Yom Tov, I will never forget the feeling of being olah l'regel. Really. I felt like I, with the rest of my brothers in klal yisroel, went to get the torah. It was such an inspiring feeling that I wish I could have kept with me. But we all know how that inspiring moments are. In an instant, you feel like you could change the world, change yourself. And sadly, most of the time, that feeling fades.

Lets not let it fade this year. Though it may be taxing on everyone, it is a holiday that I think we should all enjoy and it should bring simcha and lots of mazal to all. :)

Bundles of...

Nerves, nerves, and more nerves. There are so many things that turn my stomach upside-down, and make me feel that little squeel of nervousness. You would think that I'd stop eating, but no. Yet that bundle of nerves that replaced AidelKnaidel and turned into a monster is here until the wedding, I do think.

I find myself constantly looking in the mirror, whether it be whilst in a gown, or in a sheitel, and just feeling like I am a complete little faker who is playing dress up. This just feels absolutely surreal.

I've discovered the hoax

I never knew there was so much to do for a wedding. I used to make poke fun at the engaged girls who claimed to be so busy. But now, finally, it is hitting me.

Things are really crazy now, what with finals beginning and the Spring semester ending. I don't know how they manage it, but in the Fall semester as well as the current one, they have scheduled for me three finals on the same day. Is that a promotion of fairness? I think not.

Can I let you in on a little secret?

I find myself hearing my friend's summer plans, of camp and even just school and hanging out, and I feel a bit saddened. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be getting married. I know that this is what I wanted, this is what everyone wanted. But I think that once individuals reach this stage, and know that it is coming, they then look back at "the good old days." I will miss having fun with my friends, not having a care in the world nor a time that I must be home.

But I am very, very happy. Does anyone share in my paradoxical feelings?

My Two Cents

Wow- it has been awhile, but I have been busy with schoolwork and stuff. I think the Professors in Touro purposely collaberate and decide that all term papers should be due the week after Pesach. I mean, really!

Anyway- on the wedding front- b"h all is going well, and relatively smoothly bli ayin hara. And I have to say that I am really making an effort for my single friends. One of Best friends just got married this past week, and when she was engaged I realized how hard she worked to keep me in the loop. Of course, things do change, as people get busy. But there is a difference between being a tad busier than usual and dropping your friends like hot potatoes.

But I do have to say my piece about one thing. Besides for being treated differently by a vast lot of people, which is to be expected. I don't really understand why all of a sudden I am a novelty, but don't worry, I know that all of the attention wears off. Besides, I am not one that basks in it. But I have a complaint about one of my other single, best friends.

I know that it must be really difficult for her to feel like she is losing me. I felt the same way when she began to date before I did. But I really am trying. I call her at least every other day, keep the conversation on her and other things, and just laugh everything else that I am doing off. I don't want to drop her, I still love her and want to stay friends. Just because people get married, all of a sudden you can't be friends anymore?

But she treats me differently. I guess she doesn't want to be left alone when I leave, but still. All of sudden she is off making new friends, which is totally allowed, but she leaves me alone. I feel like we are drifting, and I really don't think it is because of me.

How weird is that. Its like the reverse complaint. Usually, its the single friends kvetching about the engaged ones. But I promised myself that I wouldn't be THAT engaged girl. And I'm not.

Still here; two feet on the ground

Yes everyone, I have survived these past few weeks. lol. I chose that word on purpose. As for the euphoria, I think that as much as my personality and brain lets me, it has come. But I do have to tell you that a lot of people fake that "cloudiness" and "out-of-this-world" feeling. Of course it is amazing to be engaged. But everyone forgets the nervousness, the need to please a whole bunch of new people, and the roller-coaster ride of emotions that come along with everything. And the scary notion of change.

Everyone keeps asking me what it feels like to be this way. Let me tell you: it feels the same. I mean, sure, now I have to worry about silly things like the colors of dresses and coordinating shabbosim, but otherwise, I am still me. I have not been lifted to another planet where everything else in my life falls to the wayside. I mean, hello, this is AK we are talking about. I still have my reports, my mid-terms, and my friends. I do not believe in dropping friends just because I happen to be getting married. Everyone still needs their friends, no matter how amazing their chosson is. Yes, he is a very important part of my life and will always be. And he is and will always be my first best friend. But he does not replace all of the other relationships in my life, and neither do I replace his.

*hides*

Hey everyone- this is just your typical announcement to let you know that I am, officially, engaged.

Yes me. I know. *shriek* I left the singles club and joined the terrified, shivering marrieds to be. And you know what? That planet that everyone says I am supposed to have been lifted to, or that feeling of euphoria that was supposed to come over me... has not yet arrived.

I am a very logical, analytical person who thinks things through way too much. And though I will tell most of the story of how I ended up where I am now- I must say that it is nothing like anyone tells you. Most of what people state, is all made up misbelief that they want to convince themselves of. And had I listened to all of them, even my newly engaged friends who hid the truth from me, I would not be.

More later. And I will not abandon this site, nor my religious visit to Bad4s site. And I will not become an obnoxious, engaged girl who drapes her hand around Touro to show off the bracelet.

Pressure levels

Don't you just love the rules? By date X, you should feel Z. By date Y, you should be Q. I mean, who really knows?

Everyone is different. We all know that. We learned it in kindergarten, perhaps through Barney, btu we know it. We are all special. Unique. Abnormal. Weird. Whatever you want to call it, each and every person has something different, maybe even eccentric or strange about them. Yet when it comes to dating, we classify everyone into the same catagories. Everyone into the same molds.

Who said these things? Who declared themselves lord and decided these ridiculous guidelines for the rest of us mere commoners? Just to reiterate, no one is the same. That means that everyone has to step back and just let each person come to terms with whatever, however slow they might be.

the fear lives inside

Well, hello all. Yes, I am still alive. I have been super busy with schoolwork- apparently term papers are "the" thing now and all I do is sit and write them. But otherwise, life is good. B'H.

Things have just been a little nuts. I think I have realized a lot about myself, and some of it is not so pleasant. I am afraid. Afraid of change. Afraid of growth. I am a creature of habit, a lover of routine and stagnation. I hate suprises and new things. I like everything to be a certain way. Yet I am not intense, but chilled about most things.

But now is just not a great time to be fearful. I am growing up, and I know that things will change one day, and that I must embrace them and not cower in their presence. But it terrifies me. And that makes me so frustrated.

In the blink of an eye

Life is pretty funny. I mean one day, it is all the same and regular, and the next, your entire life changes. In an instant. Faster than you can spin around, faster than you can recite your own name. And it scares you. Because as much as you say you want it, and even if you mean in; you are afraid. Terrified of that giant leap we call change. Growth. It's all the same.

Awesome, huge, exhilerating, terrifying, and exciting. And that is the only way to describe it.

More later.

it's official!

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, NO, I AM NOT ENGAGED. Hey, I have not even dated anyone yet. But, Aidel's BEST FRIEND is officially engaged. I knew this was coming, because I knew when she first dated him, and when it became serious. And I am still in a little bit of shock.

First off- I am soo soo excited for her. When she warned me, I was jumping up and down and could not stop smiling. Some of my friends thought that I was getting serious.. haha. It was cute. And even now, when I think about it, I am so so excited. I really am proud of myself- for not feeling the approach of the green monster. I assure myself that I will not lose her friendship, and that I too will i"yh be joining her in the suit of matrimony and will only benefit because I have an experienced close individual who can help guide me through the whatnots.

I just feel a little inexperienced. I mean, here she is, going and getting married, and I have not even dated yet. And on that note- Hopefully that is changing very soon. Which I am in midst of freaking out about. I mean, it has never been ok for me to talk to a boy. And now everyone is shoving me in some strange guy's direction, coaxing me to get to know him. Hah. I am terrified of making a fool of myself, of being mute, of blushing, and just looking idiotic. I have a tendency to smile goofily when I am nervous and blush profusively. Ahhhhh.

More on this later.

Davening works!

Wow. I cannot first begin to thank all of my listeners and commenters. You really gave me sound advice, and did not make my problems feel trivial. But baruch hashem, something just happened. I davened so hard, asking Hashem to please make him reconsider. Make him listen to my view, even if it is on this. Because I know that even if this one boy is not for me, I need to go out there and break the ice, and get my feet a little wet. I think maybe once I start going out, he may realize the situation that really is.

Well, I did not need to go to his Rebbe. I was planning on it, with my mother of course, and that is a tremendous step for me. My father is an amazing person. He does more chessed than anyone I know, runs tons of organizations, and seriously is an honest and caring person. He would give the poor neighbor the shirt off his back, and he constantly puts others and their plight before my family. And right now, that is the problem. But... like I said. He does not really listen when it comes to other's opinions. And with shidduchim, it has gotten impossible.

So... I just davened. Poured out my soul to Hashem, asking him to please help. And miraculously, and suddenly, my father changed his mind. He decided that he was wrong, and if I wanted to go out with this boy, I could.
I am not saying that all is better. There will be issues in the future, and I will have to talk to someone about it. But right now, I just feel relieved. A huge weight has been lifted off my chest.

More on me, and my secret life later. But for now, I just wanted to inspire you, and mainly myself. I am not the girl who is always shuckling and remembering to daven mincha. Hey, I am lucky if I daven shacharis. But I do feel like I speak to Hashem and ask of him things. But wow. An answer that was so powerful and direct. I do feel loved, and so so lucky.

Help!

Ok- I really do need some aid. Assistance. Something.
I will not bore you all to tears about my tears and whatnot. But I will say that I am in a very complicated situation.

Like I said- I have gotten a bunch of nos from boys. I know why, and it has nothing to do with me, but still. Anyway- lately I have been getting a lot of suggestions. A few days ago, I got a great one. And get this- he said yes already. But my father is making me turn him down. In fact, he made me turn down every single boy that had not already turned me down.

He only says yes to the boys that he picks out, or that his friend's suggest. And those mostly say no to me, or are completely not shaiich.

I just have no idea what to do. My mother agrees with me on this issue, but we cannot change his mind. He is adamant. And I am at a loss. Of course I have not gone out yet. At this rate, I will not.

And there is another thing. There is one particular boy, who he really wants me to go out with. I probably will end up, for his sake. But I feel like I am being forced into an arranged marriage. Marry him, or do not marry anyone at all. Marry him, or be a disappointment for the rest of your life.

I never knew what it feels like to be a disappointment to one's parents. Now I think I do know. And it kills me.