Out of the Race

I am so glad to be out of the race. No pressure, no worrying what everyone else is doing, that everyone else has a ring, that everyone else has a baby... none.

Its the time. I thought that other bloggers were a little funny when they said that they had their first baby, but their friends had seconds... and they were behind. I mean, once you have one, you are set, right?

Well, for me yes. I definitely felt a little wary about getting engaged, when when when. The same for having a baby. Second- seriously- whenever hashem deems it the time. Im at the point where all of my friends here who married a bit before me- have two, or are almost about to have two. I know that some of my friends feel the pressure- they have admitted to me that they do. I don't. Really. Im not even trying to convince you, me, or anyone else.

I feel so happy. So hopeful for the future. And I wanted to relay the message. The race DOES end. It really does!!!

My Rosh Hashana Reflection

I think this is my third year of blogging-- wow. Every year around Rosh Hashana time, I look back and remember what has happened to me in the past year. Last year I had just had little aidel a while before, and felt so connected to Rosh Hashana, how I had davened to have a little one before the next year, and there I was, sitting a year later with her. I felt so connected.

The year before that, I had davened to be wearing a sheitel the next year in shul. And that next year, I was. When we have these days of marking, to look back upon, it can really make you think. Why doesn't a random day, say March 7, make you think about the last year? But your birthday does? Because the day has meaning.

Hashem gives, and Hashem takes. Let us all feel the warmth of Rosh Hashana, the spirituality and the feeling that if we daven for it, Hashem can give it and next year can be different.

Hopefully its a matter of time

Thanks for the comments. Unfortunately, the feelings i spoke about in the last post have not gone away. Perhaps they are getting worse.

I feel so bad. Last year, I adored it here. I never felt bored- I was busy with school, with friends, and I didn't mind being home alone in my apartment. Now I guess its different. Because I have Little Aidel, she keeps me busy- but she hates being home. She wants to be outside, and I guess I just feel so alone with no one to call. Im bored with myself, bored of walking to the same places myself. And there is no option of just staying home- she goes stir crazy.

Im starting to drive Mr. Aidel crazy I think. Im finally telling him how I feel... and though usually he is quite understanding, now he is not so. I guess because he is in yeshiva and is always out and with people, he just can't understand my feelings. He does not know why I am feeling so alone if I have little aidel, and why I can't just sit in the park? Obviously, he is understanding and if I were truly miserable, we would move back. I don't want to though. I do like it here.... just this zman has been so incredibly hard for me, its even hard not to cry about it.

I hope next zman will be better. Bein HaZmanim is coming up, so then everything should be fine... and I hope by Elul I have this thing figured out and I feel better about being here. If not, we are in for a long year.

Update

I think it is easier to post daily, when you don't feel like every post has to be earth-shattering and amazing. I am a writer and a reader at heart and in life, and I have so much to say but then it just fizzles. Writers block. And I hate blogs where the author writes once every few months... alas that is me.

How is life? Great. Baruch Hashem. Ups and downs. Mostly ups, but lets not deny there are downs. Little aidel is growing and keeping me very busy, bh. Life here in EY is so different than in America. Here my day runs in shifts. There is the morning, then lunch, afternoon, supper, and night. Mornings are busy with Little One and my job, lunch with Mr Aidel, afternoons.... supper... and then the night is cleaning up and putting LA to sleep. Its hard, exhausting, and at the same time I find myself bored at times. Maybe the right word isn't bored. Maybe its lonely?

Most of my friends, or girls my age that I knew here, have moved on to chutz la'aretz. They are busy finishing school, getting jobs, and having second children. It is sad for me that I feel like I am left here, but at the same time I feel grateful to still be here. It bothers me that there are days I want to join them. I know one day I am going to look back and wish I could still be here. Because its not forever. Its temporary. And maybe that is what drives people crazy... knowing that our lives here are only for now, and that they will change drastically when we go back.

I hate whiners and kvetchers, and I have become one. I have become someone who feels lonely, and who can't just walk around herself being entertained. I know there are plenty of chessed opportunities, and I do them. I go to inspiring places... but I guess I just miss what I had here. And I miss my family.

Taboo

Thanks for the welcome back wishes and mazal tovs.

Before I got married, I thought I knew it all. Rules, halachos, I didnt expect to learn anything new. Well, I was unpleasantly surprised.

Once married, you enter an entire world that is based around halacha. Never in my life did I know when shkia was besides for on a friday, for shabbos. I thought it was a man's job to know. Not so. I never thought that keeping halacha could be so hard or so embarrassing.

Not to scare the single ones off from getting married. Being married is truly wonderful, most of the time. But there is something in not having to worry about getting home at a certain time, and there is definitely less stress about it. I told one of my good single friends to just enjoy her time without worrying that you are doing something wrong.

I know that this subject is basically taboo to discuss. But I dont think I am talking explicitly here, and it is on my mind. Am I the only one that really has a hard time?

Hello there

So yes.. it has been awhile. Im guessing you guessed it, but BH- bchasdei hashem- we were blessed with an adorable, healthy baby girl. So whilst I was getting back to myself and learning how to care for a little being- I got a little busy. Then settling back into our apartment and Israel.... I just left the blog on the back burner. But Ive been lurking.

Remember my posts of last year? Im sure you do. It was how envious I was- how unsure. And I know that many people would like to ask me- now that I have my beautiful little girl- am I sorry that I worried? And I dont think so. You see- its the crystal ball phenomenon. If we knew yes, and when- we would enjoy the waiting time. If we knew that on January 9 2010 we would get engaged- then why worry for the 2 years preceding? But we dont know. So we do worry.

2 of my single friends have just become Kallahs. My other married friend of the "group" complained that the girls didnt tell her they were dating- which if she and I didnt do back then... we wouldve gotten stares and silences. But alas- they may feel slighted. We are both married well over a year, with babies of our own. They often complain about us, I am sure. She was saying that now that they are getting married- they will understand. Understand why she cant pick up at 8 pm and drop her baby and husband who comes home from work at 7:30 to go "hang out" in NYC once a week. Why sometimes she has to miss things- vorts, possibly even weddings.

Once again- I do see both views. The single ones feel like they lost us. Which in a way, they have. But it isnt our fault. And we married ones wait for our phone calls as well. Maybe they got shy suddenly, when one of us has a husband, or a child... but still. Friendship has to be a two way street.

Two Sides of the Fence

While I was in Israel- I was sitting with a group of my friends who had married right out of seminary, moved to Israel, and were b'h blessed with children less than a year later. Their babies are turning one in the next few months. We were sitting and talking about our friends whom were single and in the states. One of the girls commented, "I can't believe our friends are starting graduate school. I mean, thats big." She wasn't saying anything about regretting marrying young, she just felt strange that she had no degree and had just married and now had a family of her own. She mused that sometimes she felt the girls were lucky to get their degrees behind them before they started life.

Well, now its bein hazmanim and I am in the United States. I was talking with one of my closest friends who said that she just can't believe shes starting graduate school and shes not married. She just never pictured being single and going to school, getting her BA. A group of single friends were talking about how they feel stupid because girls our age have one and some even almost two kids and they are just in the same boat, going to school.

I thought this was highly amusing. It seems that no matter where you are in life, the other side of the fence looks appealing in some ways.

Seminary: phased out?

Well, I went to seminary. The thought of being away from home for the year gave me goosebumps up until the plane ride. I'm not sure if I truly wanted to go, or if I knew I should... or a combination. But I got into my first choice, and I went.

And I cried. For a bit. I was very homesick, and I missed my family, my mother, my house, my life. But eventually, I got over it and made some great friends. Yes, I learned plenty. Had many experiences. Would I repeat the year? Never. Do I think that it was very good for me? Yes, of course.

But now... Aidel's sister is approaching the age of Seminary. Its a very tough topic. I don't think that she wants to go so much. She does, but she is not one that is dying to go. And my parents do not know where the money will go to pay for her. B'H, my parents are comfortable. But the thought of 25,000 additional dollars necessary for her year in Israel (Oh yes, with the plane tickets, spending cash, phone bills, and food bills that she is bound to have) it is just a LOT of money. And to spend it when she isn't even so enthused about it... they aren't sure.

I was speaking to a few young girls who are the age or soon to be age of going to sem, and it seems that less people are going. Is this true? From my year in HS, EVERYONE went. I mean sure, there were the few that stayed home, and they still get eyebrows for why they did not go. I don't want that to happen to my sister. Plus, I'd love to have her here in E'Y. And I do think that it is good for her. I'm just torn on whether its necessary for her to go.

As is she. What do you think?

My Erev Shabbos

Usually, friday is busy. Not always hectic, but busy. This week finds me sitting at the computer, with a loss of what I usually do.

I normally cook most things Thursday night, leave a few things for friday but not too much. Friday is for straightening up the house, sponja, calling every relative in America, and getting ready for shabbos. Theres always the last minute hot-plate to turn on or sticking the kishka into the cholent pot right before shabbos.

I guess I must have cleaned up this whole week, having the free time that I did. And I finished all of my cooking yesterday, and quite early I might add. So its strange to have this time now to do... nothing. I don't want to start any of the projects on my to-do list because its Friday. I already set up the guest room... and I can't set the table yet because Mr. Aidel isn't home and has his stuff there.

I'm definitely enjoying the peace. I know that no matter what, by the time its time to light candles, Ill be rushing with not enough minutes. But for now, I sit and wait for shabbos to come.

Post-Pesach

I know I am supposed to write an all-inspiring post of how it is to live in Israel and be back after Pesach, but I can't. I do love it here. Its so full of kedusha, with an oppurtunity to go to the kosel or geulah whenever I feel like it. Its just different. I miss my family and my friends in America. And I forgot how lonely it is to be alone for most of the day.

Furthermore, most of the few married friends that I had here moved back before Pesach. Its just weird to be back here when none of them are. No one really to call or do anything with, when Im not busy with my schoolwork or my apartment. I'm not complaining, I know I am so lucky to be here. My husband thrives here in his yeshiva, and where else can I make shabbos and have guests at my table whenever I like?

I guess I also feel that gap that http://teachurheartout.blogspot.com was talking about. I feel really separated from my friends in America whom are single. We really are now at different stages in life, and I don't want our friendships to disentegrate... but they will. I still make an effort to call them, but our conversations have changed. I just feel helpless because I don't want to be the married friend that forgot them. To me... it feels like they are the single girls who forgot me.

Who knew?

So... I was having a chat with a fellow married friend, living back home. We were weighing the pros and cons of living in Israel, staying close to family, or moving further away but staying in the US. And it really got me thinking.

Of course, living in Eretz Yisroel is a privilege. I know that. There are many times that I look out my window and see the beauty... am able to just hop into a cab and be at the Kosel, etc. Besides. Everyone here is married. There is none of the pressure of keeping with married/single friends, because everyone here is the same. No one here gives me eyebrows when I have to go home to make supper. And everyone is basically on the same schedule. Another plus is shabbos. There are always guests to be had, whether yeshiva bachurim, seminary girls, or couples. We are often invited out and shabbos is a time where we can either be alone, or bond with others. And, being married six or so months... it has turned me into quite a cook. But I miss America. My family. My friends... less responsibilities.

My friend got married a few weeks after me. She lives in close proximity to her parents and married siblings, as well as all of our friends. She complains all the time, that the friends don't ever call her, invite her, etc. I tried telling her that sometimes married friends are intimidating, and they may just not want to bother her. All of her married friends do not live near her.... so she feels like the odd one out, being married. Our friends get to go to Florida and pizza, and she is the one that feels bad for having to make supper. It really turns the tables, no? Another point of hers is that out of all the shabbosim and yomim tovim that shes been married, she's made one shabbos. She asked me after five months of marriage how to make chicken. I think I swallowed my laughter... but it didn't really give them a chance to be themselves.

So here I am... missing home like crazy. Missing my friends, my family, my car, etc. I know E'Y is beautiful, but when you are here it can be really difficult. I cant wait for Pesach vacation and the ability to be home, with my parents... less responsibilities. But Im guessing that living like that, right away, is probably not the best thing. Israel probably is.

December lights

Chanukah. Just the name illicits thoughts of lights and happiness, of snowy weather and hot cocoa and sitting indoors. Family.

Thats what Chanukah is to me. But anyway.. on to life.

this year, my chanukah is different. No singing Abba, no little siblings dancing and playing drediel, no big family parties. This year, its us 2. Lighting candles together, looking into the flames, and davening. Its very different. But beautiful at the same time.

Theres no mothers and grandmothers making latkes and serving doughnuts. In my family, we have tradition to bake chanukah cookies with all the kids. Sure, I miss that. This year Im the one making latkes. And if I want any parties, again I have to be in charge.

Sure, its difficult. Many of my friends succumbed to the homesickness that could very well envelop and destroy the beauty. But I won't let it. I still feel so special, and I feel the holiness and warmth of this holiday of lights.

I guess different is part of life.

Again

So... first off, thanks to the generous commenters. Some of you really made me feel a lot better and understand exactly what it is thats bothering me. It was nice to feel that I am not crazy, nor wrong but simply afraid.

Thats what it is. I put my finger on it. Its not really jealousy, its fear. I have a fear of the unknown. A fear for the future. I know that a lot of people do, but with me I think its more pronounced. I know that I have not been married all that long, and really, its a bracha for some people to get to spend extra time together. Its just that as every month goes by, I think to myself, "Why not now?" And also, if it will ever happen. But its the same with shidduchim I think. I was just talking to one of my good friends who is back at home. She said that its not that she needs to be married next month. She's just afraid, and she wants to know if it will happen. If she had a crystal ball or ruach hakodesh, and she saw her wedding day in January 2009, she'd be fine. She just wants to know.

So I think its the same with me.

Besides, it just so happens that every single acqaintance and friend of mine is expecting. Yes, EVERY single last one who is here in EY. You are right if you say that I need to meet more people... its a bracha really. So many girls and blessed right away. Just when you are the odd one out... it kind of hurts.

Once again, may hashem answer our tefilos l'tovah and may we all be granted what we are waiting for bekarov.

Green again

I decided that it must be it. I must be a jealous person. Why else would I feel that pulling on my heart, when I see what I want most and don't have? I'm not materialistic, so I have never felt it before with friend's clothes or things.

This is something else. Its something that I can't help. I know that everything is up to Hashem, and I do feel him in my life. But I still feel it....

Yes, I have time. What's the rush? Aidel, you felt the same way last year when you were getting nos. You looked at girl's left hands and felt that pang. You thought it was only that. And look at you now? Did you need to feel it? Did you need to be hard on yourself?

Somehow, this feels different.

I'm not desperate. Im happy. Thrilled really. But its just a pang. Its small, silent usually, but sometimes, it just feels stronger.

May hashem grant me and everyone else this year plenty of bracha, as well as clarity to see the good in our lives and in ourselves.

Mar-Cheshvan

I don't know if you feel it, but I do. That bitterness. The feeling of this month dragging on, engulfing us so that we have nothing but rain and sadness.

I remember in Seminary. Everyone who was a "maven" said that November was like, the worst month to get through. Nothing to look forward to, no off days, nothing. And they were pretty much right. It was rainy, I was homesick, and it felt like the year would not end.

Now I'm one of those big mavens who have seminary girls over and tell them words of wisdom. I hear them kvetching, and I feel their pain. At this point, it does feel like Pesach, forget about June, is just skipping this year and instead we are having November over and over again.

But its not true. I, unlike them, do know that things fly by. Soon it will be Chanukah, and everyone knows that by chanukah, the year is over. And they will go home, and cry that they want to stay. Who knows where Ill be?

Its funny. Because I am happy here in E'Y. But I have to say, that now that Im finally settling down, I started feeling twinges of homesickness. Im not one of those girls who kvetch about going home every day, because they have to sift flour or because they just cant take it. Im ok. I just started feeling like I am really far away from my family at home. I miss them. I miss Sundays. I miss not being alone in the afternoons, and always having somewhere to go and hang out.

Is that a crime?

Gmar Chasima Tovah

Thanks for all of the insightful comments! I know that these things should be ignored- but sometimes it is hard to just ignore everything. And I just wanted to let the singles know that they are not "out of the loop". When polled, most Newly married people feel closer to their single friends than the "marrieds". So for all who imagine their friends dropping them the instant they accept that wedding band, or even engagement ring, bets are off.

As for Rosh Hashana- I just wanted to comment on it. Usually, I look towards Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur with dread. Im not a shul person. I know, nineteen years old and she is antsy. But I am. I constantly look at my watch and look forward to exiting, to hearing that last kol shofar. Yom kippur is worse, because being the not-such-great faster that I am, I either feel terribly ill or leave shul. And then I just feel guilty. But this year- I gotta tell you- something was different.

I was in a shul where I did not know a soul. Sure, kiddush was really awkward, for until Mr. Aidel came to see if I was still alive, I just sat there looking into my machzor, seeming really holy. But davening.... well. The shul I was in made it come alive. Every stanza was a tune, a song, and I really just felt it. My shemona esrei is usually one of the shorter ones in the shul.. but it wasn't. I was just inspired. I just couldn't stop thinking about last Rosh Hashana- how I would have never imagined to be sitting here. Married. Sheitel on head, and in Israel. I thought of all the decisions of this past year, of everything that happened- and that everything had been decided on that one day. All of those brachos. So yeah, I was inspired. And I davened hard, imagining myself sitting somewhere next year.

So I just hope that we all remain inspired throughout the aseres ye'mai teshuvah, and maybe even the rest of the year. May we be zoche to have a year filled with simchas, mazal, and lots and lots of bracha and sweetness!

She's bacck

Back and better than ever. No, I didn't quit. Thanks for the comments though- made me feel quite the wanted individual.



So- I guess my blog is changing a little. I mean, when I started almost a year ago, I was a girl reporting on the single side of the fence- in Touro, surrounded by the frenzy of shidduchim, singles vs. married, and just things of that sort. Now I am in E'Y, among only married people. It is a big change, let me tell you. For the last few months, I was the star. I was the mature one moving off from singleland to the scary and daunting imaginary picture of a married. And yet here I am, the same Aidel, and now I am the "oh, please *rolls eyes" newbie who tugs on her sheitel and walks with her head down past the park. Yeah, things change. And big time.

I know that everyone knows that while single, most think that only those who are married "matter". And that the married people all regard them as different. Like there is some sort of club that you only join with the diamond solitaire, or maybe even the platinum band. But I hate to break it to you that even amongst the banded ones, there are still the same rules. Its just different. Instead of like in Touro, where the first thing you notice is someone's left ring finger... here the stare is at people's stomachs. Seriously. Or the baby in their arms. You think that that challenge ends- like once you are married you can "breathe easy" and stop having something over your head. But now there is the new pressure...

And I am not even sure which one is worse.

Mrs. Knaidel

Sorry for the long hiatus- well, why am I apologizing? Anyway- I was busy with wedding preparations, the wedding, sheva brachos, and settling into married life. But here I am- back and better than ever. And baruch hashem- those nerves are away.

Everyone keeps asking me- how is married life? What's it like? First off- I don't do any of the married tasks like cooking etc, because I live right near my parents and figure that its the summer. When the zman starts, and I actually move to E'Y, I will have plenty of oppurtunities for that.

As for feeling married- hah. I still can't believe it. It is so weird, but I have to say that the itchy sheitel does remind me of exactly that. I'm still the same person, I just happen to have less free time.

More soon- on the other side of the single friend's complaints. But mine can't complain, because I still call/text/visit them.

Dating Advice

It seems that once a girl gets engaged, she becomes the guru for dating advice. She also suddenly gets listened to when it comes to rehding shidduchim. Sometimes. But until that moment, she is unheard.

I'm here to talk about after that moment. Suddenly, people flock to me like they flock to sample sales in the city. I get phone calls, I get nudges, and I am supposed to give this sagely advice, for obviously I know a secret because I have a ring on my finger.

This is so inherently false. I mean, just because whatever mess-ups I did didn't hurt my process, or didn't bother Mr. Mensch over here, does not mean that I know what I am doing. But I have to say that I followed this same path. When I was dating, I followed my engaged friend's advice. And this girl had only dated one boy!

However, I love to help. I have to admit, it is fun to hear people's dating stories and lives. Maybe I am just a gossip. I don't know. If I admit it, shouldn't that be something? But I feel terrible when I don't really know how to help them, or even if what I did they should follow, and they listen to me like I am the spokeswomen for dating.

Happy Shavuos

Happy Shavuos everyone! I always love Shavuos, being a milchig person myself. Lasanga, blintzes, pizza knishes, cheese kugel, yum. The one thing that I happen not to enjoy is the cheesecake, for which I am told that I have no taste. But anyway...

I think it's just hysterical how many men complain about Shavuos and staying up all night. First of all, all night is like what, 4:30? Yes, it is a big deal to learn for such a long time. But they forget that many of us girls and women stay up the entire night before, cooking for yom tov. And waking up early to cook. Etc, etc.

Last year at this time, I was in Israel. Though I did feel a bit sad to be away from home for Yom Tov, I will never forget the feeling of being olah l'regel. Really. I felt like I, with the rest of my brothers in klal yisroel, went to get the torah. It was such an inspiring feeling that I wish I could have kept with me. But we all know how that inspiring moments are. In an instant, you feel like you could change the world, change yourself. And sadly, most of the time, that feeling fades.

Lets not let it fade this year. Though it may be taxing on everyone, it is a holiday that I think we should all enjoy and it should bring simcha and lots of mazal to all. :)