I've discovered the hoax

I never knew there was so much to do for a wedding. I used to make poke fun at the engaged girls who claimed to be so busy. But now, finally, it is hitting me.

Things are really crazy now, what with finals beginning and the Spring semester ending. I don't know how they manage it, but in the Fall semester as well as the current one, they have scheduled for me three finals on the same day. Is that a promotion of fairness? I think not.

Can I let you in on a little secret?

I find myself hearing my friend's summer plans, of camp and even just school and hanging out, and I feel a bit saddened. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be getting married. I know that this is what I wanted, this is what everyone wanted. But I think that once individuals reach this stage, and know that it is coming, they then look back at "the good old days." I will miss having fun with my friends, not having a care in the world nor a time that I must be home.

But I am very, very happy. Does anyone share in my paradoxical feelings?

My Two Cents

Wow- it has been awhile, but I have been busy with schoolwork and stuff. I think the Professors in Touro purposely collaberate and decide that all term papers should be due the week after Pesach. I mean, really!

Anyway- on the wedding front- b"h all is going well, and relatively smoothly bli ayin hara. And I have to say that I am really making an effort for my single friends. One of Best friends just got married this past week, and when she was engaged I realized how hard she worked to keep me in the loop. Of course, things do change, as people get busy. But there is a difference between being a tad busier than usual and dropping your friends like hot potatoes.

But I do have to say my piece about one thing. Besides for being treated differently by a vast lot of people, which is to be expected. I don't really understand why all of a sudden I am a novelty, but don't worry, I know that all of the attention wears off. Besides, I am not one that basks in it. But I have a complaint about one of my other single, best friends.

I know that it must be really difficult for her to feel like she is losing me. I felt the same way when she began to date before I did. But I really am trying. I call her at least every other day, keep the conversation on her and other things, and just laugh everything else that I am doing off. I don't want to drop her, I still love her and want to stay friends. Just because people get married, all of a sudden you can't be friends anymore?

But she treats me differently. I guess she doesn't want to be left alone when I leave, but still. All of sudden she is off making new friends, which is totally allowed, but she leaves me alone. I feel like we are drifting, and I really don't think it is because of me.

How weird is that. Its like the reverse complaint. Usually, its the single friends kvetching about the engaged ones. But I promised myself that I wouldn't be THAT engaged girl. And I'm not.

Still here; two feet on the ground

Yes everyone, I have survived these past few weeks. lol. I chose that word on purpose. As for the euphoria, I think that as much as my personality and brain lets me, it has come. But I do have to tell you that a lot of people fake that "cloudiness" and "out-of-this-world" feeling. Of course it is amazing to be engaged. But everyone forgets the nervousness, the need to please a whole bunch of new people, and the roller-coaster ride of emotions that come along with everything. And the scary notion of change.

Everyone keeps asking me what it feels like to be this way. Let me tell you: it feels the same. I mean, sure, now I have to worry about silly things like the colors of dresses and coordinating shabbosim, but otherwise, I am still me. I have not been lifted to another planet where everything else in my life falls to the wayside. I mean, hello, this is AK we are talking about. I still have my reports, my mid-terms, and my friends. I do not believe in dropping friends just because I happen to be getting married. Everyone still needs their friends, no matter how amazing their chosson is. Yes, he is a very important part of my life and will always be. And he is and will always be my first best friend. But he does not replace all of the other relationships in my life, and neither do I replace his.

*hides*

Hey everyone- this is just your typical announcement to let you know that I am, officially, engaged.

Yes me. I know. *shriek* I left the singles club and joined the terrified, shivering marrieds to be. And you know what? That planet that everyone says I am supposed to have been lifted to, or that feeling of euphoria that was supposed to come over me... has not yet arrived.

I am a very logical, analytical person who thinks things through way too much. And though I will tell most of the story of how I ended up where I am now- I must say that it is nothing like anyone tells you. Most of what people state, is all made up misbelief that they want to convince themselves of. And had I listened to all of them, even my newly engaged friends who hid the truth from me, I would not be.

More later. And I will not abandon this site, nor my religious visit to Bad4s site. And I will not become an obnoxious, engaged girl who drapes her hand around Touro to show off the bracelet.

Pressure levels

Don't you just love the rules? By date X, you should feel Z. By date Y, you should be Q. I mean, who really knows?

Everyone is different. We all know that. We learned it in kindergarten, perhaps through Barney, btu we know it. We are all special. Unique. Abnormal. Weird. Whatever you want to call it, each and every person has something different, maybe even eccentric or strange about them. Yet when it comes to dating, we classify everyone into the same catagories. Everyone into the same molds.

Who said these things? Who declared themselves lord and decided these ridiculous guidelines for the rest of us mere commoners? Just to reiterate, no one is the same. That means that everyone has to step back and just let each person come to terms with whatever, however slow they might be.

the fear lives inside

Well, hello all. Yes, I am still alive. I have been super busy with schoolwork- apparently term papers are "the" thing now and all I do is sit and write them. But otherwise, life is good. B'H.

Things have just been a little nuts. I think I have realized a lot about myself, and some of it is not so pleasant. I am afraid. Afraid of change. Afraid of growth. I am a creature of habit, a lover of routine and stagnation. I hate suprises and new things. I like everything to be a certain way. Yet I am not intense, but chilled about most things.

But now is just not a great time to be fearful. I am growing up, and I know that things will change one day, and that I must embrace them and not cower in their presence. But it terrifies me. And that makes me so frustrated.

In the blink of an eye

Life is pretty funny. I mean one day, it is all the same and regular, and the next, your entire life changes. In an instant. Faster than you can spin around, faster than you can recite your own name. And it scares you. Because as much as you say you want it, and even if you mean in; you are afraid. Terrified of that giant leap we call change. Growth. It's all the same.

Awesome, huge, exhilerating, terrifying, and exciting. And that is the only way to describe it.

More later.

it's official!

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, NO, I AM NOT ENGAGED. Hey, I have not even dated anyone yet. But, Aidel's BEST FRIEND is officially engaged. I knew this was coming, because I knew when she first dated him, and when it became serious. And I am still in a little bit of shock.

First off- I am soo soo excited for her. When she warned me, I was jumping up and down and could not stop smiling. Some of my friends thought that I was getting serious.. haha. It was cute. And even now, when I think about it, I am so so excited. I really am proud of myself- for not feeling the approach of the green monster. I assure myself that I will not lose her friendship, and that I too will i"yh be joining her in the suit of matrimony and will only benefit because I have an experienced close individual who can help guide me through the whatnots.

I just feel a little inexperienced. I mean, here she is, going and getting married, and I have not even dated yet. And on that note- Hopefully that is changing very soon. Which I am in midst of freaking out about. I mean, it has never been ok for me to talk to a boy. And now everyone is shoving me in some strange guy's direction, coaxing me to get to know him. Hah. I am terrified of making a fool of myself, of being mute, of blushing, and just looking idiotic. I have a tendency to smile goofily when I am nervous and blush profusively. Ahhhhh.

More on this later.

Davening works!

Wow. I cannot first begin to thank all of my listeners and commenters. You really gave me sound advice, and did not make my problems feel trivial. But baruch hashem, something just happened. I davened so hard, asking Hashem to please make him reconsider. Make him listen to my view, even if it is on this. Because I know that even if this one boy is not for me, I need to go out there and break the ice, and get my feet a little wet. I think maybe once I start going out, he may realize the situation that really is.

Well, I did not need to go to his Rebbe. I was planning on it, with my mother of course, and that is a tremendous step for me. My father is an amazing person. He does more chessed than anyone I know, runs tons of organizations, and seriously is an honest and caring person. He would give the poor neighbor the shirt off his back, and he constantly puts others and their plight before my family. And right now, that is the problem. But... like I said. He does not really listen when it comes to other's opinions. And with shidduchim, it has gotten impossible.

So... I just davened. Poured out my soul to Hashem, asking him to please help. And miraculously, and suddenly, my father changed his mind. He decided that he was wrong, and if I wanted to go out with this boy, I could.
I am not saying that all is better. There will be issues in the future, and I will have to talk to someone about it. But right now, I just feel relieved. A huge weight has been lifted off my chest.

More on me, and my secret life later. But for now, I just wanted to inspire you, and mainly myself. I am not the girl who is always shuckling and remembering to daven mincha. Hey, I am lucky if I daven shacharis. But I do feel like I speak to Hashem and ask of him things. But wow. An answer that was so powerful and direct. I do feel loved, and so so lucky.

Help!

Ok- I really do need some aid. Assistance. Something.
I will not bore you all to tears about my tears and whatnot. But I will say that I am in a very complicated situation.

Like I said- I have gotten a bunch of nos from boys. I know why, and it has nothing to do with me, but still. Anyway- lately I have been getting a lot of suggestions. A few days ago, I got a great one. And get this- he said yes already. But my father is making me turn him down. In fact, he made me turn down every single boy that had not already turned me down.

He only says yes to the boys that he picks out, or that his friend's suggest. And those mostly say no to me, or are completely not shaiich.

I just have no idea what to do. My mother agrees with me on this issue, but we cannot change his mind. He is adamant. And I am at a loss. Of course I have not gone out yet. At this rate, I will not.

And there is another thing. There is one particular boy, who he really wants me to go out with. I probably will end up, for his sake. But I feel like I am being forced into an arranged marriage. Marry him, or do not marry anyone at all. Marry him, or be a disappointment for the rest of your life.

I never knew what it feels like to be a disappointment to one's parents. Now I think I do know. And it kills me.