December lights

Chanukah. Just the name illicits thoughts of lights and happiness, of snowy weather and hot cocoa and sitting indoors. Family.

Thats what Chanukah is to me. But anyway.. on to life.

this year, my chanukah is different. No singing Abba, no little siblings dancing and playing drediel, no big family parties. This year, its us 2. Lighting candles together, looking into the flames, and davening. Its very different. But beautiful at the same time.

Theres no mothers and grandmothers making latkes and serving doughnuts. In my family, we have tradition to bake chanukah cookies with all the kids. Sure, I miss that. This year Im the one making latkes. And if I want any parties, again I have to be in charge.

Sure, its difficult. Many of my friends succumbed to the homesickness that could very well envelop and destroy the beauty. But I won't let it. I still feel so special, and I feel the holiness and warmth of this holiday of lights.

I guess different is part of life.

Again

So... first off, thanks to the generous commenters. Some of you really made me feel a lot better and understand exactly what it is thats bothering me. It was nice to feel that I am not crazy, nor wrong but simply afraid.

Thats what it is. I put my finger on it. Its not really jealousy, its fear. I have a fear of the unknown. A fear for the future. I know that a lot of people do, but with me I think its more pronounced. I know that I have not been married all that long, and really, its a bracha for some people to get to spend extra time together. Its just that as every month goes by, I think to myself, "Why not now?" And also, if it will ever happen. But its the same with shidduchim I think. I was just talking to one of my good friends who is back at home. She said that its not that she needs to be married next month. She's just afraid, and she wants to know if it will happen. If she had a crystal ball or ruach hakodesh, and she saw her wedding day in January 2009, she'd be fine. She just wants to know.

So I think its the same with me.

Besides, it just so happens that every single acqaintance and friend of mine is expecting. Yes, EVERY single last one who is here in EY. You are right if you say that I need to meet more people... its a bracha really. So many girls and blessed right away. Just when you are the odd one out... it kind of hurts.

Once again, may hashem answer our tefilos l'tovah and may we all be granted what we are waiting for bekarov.

Green again

I decided that it must be it. I must be a jealous person. Why else would I feel that pulling on my heart, when I see what I want most and don't have? I'm not materialistic, so I have never felt it before with friend's clothes or things.

This is something else. Its something that I can't help. I know that everything is up to Hashem, and I do feel him in my life. But I still feel it....

Yes, I have time. What's the rush? Aidel, you felt the same way last year when you were getting nos. You looked at girl's left hands and felt that pang. You thought it was only that. And look at you now? Did you need to feel it? Did you need to be hard on yourself?

Somehow, this feels different.

I'm not desperate. Im happy. Thrilled really. But its just a pang. Its small, silent usually, but sometimes, it just feels stronger.

May hashem grant me and everyone else this year plenty of bracha, as well as clarity to see the good in our lives and in ourselves.

Mar-Cheshvan

I don't know if you feel it, but I do. That bitterness. The feeling of this month dragging on, engulfing us so that we have nothing but rain and sadness.

I remember in Seminary. Everyone who was a "maven" said that November was like, the worst month to get through. Nothing to look forward to, no off days, nothing. And they were pretty much right. It was rainy, I was homesick, and it felt like the year would not end.

Now I'm one of those big mavens who have seminary girls over and tell them words of wisdom. I hear them kvetching, and I feel their pain. At this point, it does feel like Pesach, forget about June, is just skipping this year and instead we are having November over and over again.

But its not true. I, unlike them, do know that things fly by. Soon it will be Chanukah, and everyone knows that by chanukah, the year is over. And they will go home, and cry that they want to stay. Who knows where Ill be?

Its funny. Because I am happy here in E'Y. But I have to say, that now that Im finally settling down, I started feeling twinges of homesickness. Im not one of those girls who kvetch about going home every day, because they have to sift flour or because they just cant take it. Im ok. I just started feeling like I am really far away from my family at home. I miss them. I miss Sundays. I miss not being alone in the afternoons, and always having somewhere to go and hang out.

Is that a crime?

Gmar Chasima Tovah

Thanks for all of the insightful comments! I know that these things should be ignored- but sometimes it is hard to just ignore everything. And I just wanted to let the singles know that they are not "out of the loop". When polled, most Newly married people feel closer to their single friends than the "marrieds". So for all who imagine their friends dropping them the instant they accept that wedding band, or even engagement ring, bets are off.

As for Rosh Hashana- I just wanted to comment on it. Usually, I look towards Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur with dread. Im not a shul person. I know, nineteen years old and she is antsy. But I am. I constantly look at my watch and look forward to exiting, to hearing that last kol shofar. Yom kippur is worse, because being the not-such-great faster that I am, I either feel terribly ill or leave shul. And then I just feel guilty. But this year- I gotta tell you- something was different.

I was in a shul where I did not know a soul. Sure, kiddush was really awkward, for until Mr. Aidel came to see if I was still alive, I just sat there looking into my machzor, seeming really holy. But davening.... well. The shul I was in made it come alive. Every stanza was a tune, a song, and I really just felt it. My shemona esrei is usually one of the shorter ones in the shul.. but it wasn't. I was just inspired. I just couldn't stop thinking about last Rosh Hashana- how I would have never imagined to be sitting here. Married. Sheitel on head, and in Israel. I thought of all the decisions of this past year, of everything that happened- and that everything had been decided on that one day. All of those brachos. So yeah, I was inspired. And I davened hard, imagining myself sitting somewhere next year.

So I just hope that we all remain inspired throughout the aseres ye'mai teshuvah, and maybe even the rest of the year. May we be zoche to have a year filled with simchas, mazal, and lots and lots of bracha and sweetness!

She's bacck

Back and better than ever. No, I didn't quit. Thanks for the comments though- made me feel quite the wanted individual.



So- I guess my blog is changing a little. I mean, when I started almost a year ago, I was a girl reporting on the single side of the fence- in Touro, surrounded by the frenzy of shidduchim, singles vs. married, and just things of that sort. Now I am in E'Y, among only married people. It is a big change, let me tell you. For the last few months, I was the star. I was the mature one moving off from singleland to the scary and daunting imaginary picture of a married. And yet here I am, the same Aidel, and now I am the "oh, please *rolls eyes" newbie who tugs on her sheitel and walks with her head down past the park. Yeah, things change. And big time.

I know that everyone knows that while single, most think that only those who are married "matter". And that the married people all regard them as different. Like there is some sort of club that you only join with the diamond solitaire, or maybe even the platinum band. But I hate to break it to you that even amongst the banded ones, there are still the same rules. Its just different. Instead of like in Touro, where the first thing you notice is someone's left ring finger... here the stare is at people's stomachs. Seriously. Or the baby in their arms. You think that that challenge ends- like once you are married you can "breathe easy" and stop having something over your head. But now there is the new pressure...

And I am not even sure which one is worse.

Mrs. Knaidel

Sorry for the long hiatus- well, why am I apologizing? Anyway- I was busy with wedding preparations, the wedding, sheva brachos, and settling into married life. But here I am- back and better than ever. And baruch hashem- those nerves are away.

Everyone keeps asking me- how is married life? What's it like? First off- I don't do any of the married tasks like cooking etc, because I live right near my parents and figure that its the summer. When the zman starts, and I actually move to E'Y, I will have plenty of oppurtunities for that.

As for feeling married- hah. I still can't believe it. It is so weird, but I have to say that the itchy sheitel does remind me of exactly that. I'm still the same person, I just happen to have less free time.

More soon- on the other side of the single friend's complaints. But mine can't complain, because I still call/text/visit them.

Dating Advice

It seems that once a girl gets engaged, she becomes the guru for dating advice. She also suddenly gets listened to when it comes to rehding shidduchim. Sometimes. But until that moment, she is unheard.

I'm here to talk about after that moment. Suddenly, people flock to me like they flock to sample sales in the city. I get phone calls, I get nudges, and I am supposed to give this sagely advice, for obviously I know a secret because I have a ring on my finger.

This is so inherently false. I mean, just because whatever mess-ups I did didn't hurt my process, or didn't bother Mr. Mensch over here, does not mean that I know what I am doing. But I have to say that I followed this same path. When I was dating, I followed my engaged friend's advice. And this girl had only dated one boy!

However, I love to help. I have to admit, it is fun to hear people's dating stories and lives. Maybe I am just a gossip. I don't know. If I admit it, shouldn't that be something? But I feel terrible when I don't really know how to help them, or even if what I did they should follow, and they listen to me like I am the spokeswomen for dating.

Happy Shavuos

Happy Shavuos everyone! I always love Shavuos, being a milchig person myself. Lasanga, blintzes, pizza knishes, cheese kugel, yum. The one thing that I happen not to enjoy is the cheesecake, for which I am told that I have no taste. But anyway...

I think it's just hysterical how many men complain about Shavuos and staying up all night. First of all, all night is like what, 4:30? Yes, it is a big deal to learn for such a long time. But they forget that many of us girls and women stay up the entire night before, cooking for yom tov. And waking up early to cook. Etc, etc.

Last year at this time, I was in Israel. Though I did feel a bit sad to be away from home for Yom Tov, I will never forget the feeling of being olah l'regel. Really. I felt like I, with the rest of my brothers in klal yisroel, went to get the torah. It was such an inspiring feeling that I wish I could have kept with me. But we all know how that inspiring moments are. In an instant, you feel like you could change the world, change yourself. And sadly, most of the time, that feeling fades.

Lets not let it fade this year. Though it may be taxing on everyone, it is a holiday that I think we should all enjoy and it should bring simcha and lots of mazal to all. :)

Bundles of...

Nerves, nerves, and more nerves. There are so many things that turn my stomach upside-down, and make me feel that little squeel of nervousness. You would think that I'd stop eating, but no. Yet that bundle of nerves that replaced AidelKnaidel and turned into a monster is here until the wedding, I do think.

I find myself constantly looking in the mirror, whether it be whilst in a gown, or in a sheitel, and just feeling like I am a complete little faker who is playing dress up. This just feels absolutely surreal.