In the blink of an eye

Life is pretty funny. I mean one day, it is all the same and regular, and the next, your entire life changes. In an instant. Faster than you can spin around, faster than you can recite your own name. And it scares you. Because as much as you say you want it, and even if you mean in; you are afraid. Terrified of that giant leap we call change. Growth. It's all the same.

Awesome, huge, exhilerating, terrifying, and exciting. And that is the only way to describe it.

More later.

it's official!

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, NO, I AM NOT ENGAGED. Hey, I have not even dated anyone yet. But, Aidel's BEST FRIEND is officially engaged. I knew this was coming, because I knew when she first dated him, and when it became serious. And I am still in a little bit of shock.

First off- I am soo soo excited for her. When she warned me, I was jumping up and down and could not stop smiling. Some of my friends thought that I was getting serious.. haha. It was cute. And even now, when I think about it, I am so so excited. I really am proud of myself- for not feeling the approach of the green monster. I assure myself that I will not lose her friendship, and that I too will i"yh be joining her in the suit of matrimony and will only benefit because I have an experienced close individual who can help guide me through the whatnots.

I just feel a little inexperienced. I mean, here she is, going and getting married, and I have not even dated yet. And on that note- Hopefully that is changing very soon. Which I am in midst of freaking out about. I mean, it has never been ok for me to talk to a boy. And now everyone is shoving me in some strange guy's direction, coaxing me to get to know him. Hah. I am terrified of making a fool of myself, of being mute, of blushing, and just looking idiotic. I have a tendency to smile goofily when I am nervous and blush profusively. Ahhhhh.

More on this later.

Davening works!

Wow. I cannot first begin to thank all of my listeners and commenters. You really gave me sound advice, and did not make my problems feel trivial. But baruch hashem, something just happened. I davened so hard, asking Hashem to please make him reconsider. Make him listen to my view, even if it is on this. Because I know that even if this one boy is not for me, I need to go out there and break the ice, and get my feet a little wet. I think maybe once I start going out, he may realize the situation that really is.

Well, I did not need to go to his Rebbe. I was planning on it, with my mother of course, and that is a tremendous step for me. My father is an amazing person. He does more chessed than anyone I know, runs tons of organizations, and seriously is an honest and caring person. He would give the poor neighbor the shirt off his back, and he constantly puts others and their plight before my family. And right now, that is the problem. But... like I said. He does not really listen when it comes to other's opinions. And with shidduchim, it has gotten impossible.

So... I just davened. Poured out my soul to Hashem, asking him to please help. And miraculously, and suddenly, my father changed his mind. He decided that he was wrong, and if I wanted to go out with this boy, I could.
I am not saying that all is better. There will be issues in the future, and I will have to talk to someone about it. But right now, I just feel relieved. A huge weight has been lifted off my chest.

More on me, and my secret life later. But for now, I just wanted to inspire you, and mainly myself. I am not the girl who is always shuckling and remembering to daven mincha. Hey, I am lucky if I daven shacharis. But I do feel like I speak to Hashem and ask of him things. But wow. An answer that was so powerful and direct. I do feel loved, and so so lucky.

Help!

Ok- I really do need some aid. Assistance. Something.
I will not bore you all to tears about my tears and whatnot. But I will say that I am in a very complicated situation.

Like I said- I have gotten a bunch of nos from boys. I know why, and it has nothing to do with me, but still. Anyway- lately I have been getting a lot of suggestions. A few days ago, I got a great one. And get this- he said yes already. But my father is making me turn him down. In fact, he made me turn down every single boy that had not already turned me down.

He only says yes to the boys that he picks out, or that his friend's suggest. And those mostly say no to me, or are completely not shaiich.

I just have no idea what to do. My mother agrees with me on this issue, but we cannot change his mind. He is adamant. And I am at a loss. Of course I have not gone out yet. At this rate, I will not.

And there is another thing. There is one particular boy, who he really wants me to go out with. I probably will end up, for his sake. But I feel like I am being forced into an arranged marriage. Marry him, or do not marry anyone at all. Marry him, or be a disappointment for the rest of your life.

I never knew what it feels like to be a disappointment to one's parents. Now I think I do know. And it kills me.

Musings

*hides* I mean't to post days ago, I just have not found the time. So sorry. Oh well, here goes for my last few days of thoughts...

Again with the friends. One of my friends, who I am actually becoming closer with, got engaged like, right away. Awhile back. And she was so cute, and so excited, and not at all like those engaged girls we all make fun of all the time. And I was really happy, because she would tell me all her plans and we would just have fun together. But I do have to say, that a part of me looked at her and saw me in her eyes. She is a bit similar to me, so I thought, you see, "She's engaged, I will be too i"yh". And I also could not wait to be in her stage. It was not jealousy like with my friend Maidel 2- but I longed to be in her shoes.

Long no more. Sadly, she broke her engagement. This is now very real to me, because I have seen the stars in her eyes one day, and the next day, nothing. I'm not saying this is SO horrible, I mean, one of my parents also had a broken engagement before they met the other, and baruch hashem for that. I am just saying that when people speak about broken engagements, it just seems like the person was never really happy- they would have never gotten married anyway. But she was going to. She had everything already.

Anyway- looking at her, of course with my usual smile, but inner sadness, I had an epiphany (Sp?). Here I was, looking at this girl for a couple of months, wishing that I was. That she was so lucky to be on the market for such a short amount of time. That she was out of the rat race and carried a trophy. And now, she probably looks at me and has that same feeling. Because not only is she not ahead of me, but not she probably feels behind me. Lagging along.

I have to say that I am proud of myself. My parents decided that since I am now nineteen, that shidduchim should be coming strong and our phone should be ringing off the hook. This is of course because they think that the whole world knows they waiting for the end of December. Hah. But anyway- I am right now very happy with what I am doing, and not in a rush. Sure, I do want to get married, and it hurts when my friends are all excited and in it without me, but I am young. I have time. And someone will want to marry me. Right?

The call

Yes, of course, it has happened by now. The call. Or shall I say, the calls. Reference calls. You can tell right away by the demure-like tone of the other person, from her first "hello." This is what mine sounded like yesterday:

Ring Ring. [To some revach tune or whatever I use for the strange numbers] I thought it was my friend from California.
Aidel: "Hello?!" Not in the best aidel-maidel tone either.
Women X: "Hi, is this Aidel Knaidel?" in a polite, restricted sort of "hem, hem" voice.
Aidel: Oh, yes, hello.
Women X: "Well, I have you as a reference for Maidel Two. Can I ask you some questions?"
At this point, I rack my brains for three positive and slightly different adjectives about the girl.

And then it goes on. For some reason, I feel enormous butterflies in my stomach when I hear the slight alteration in the tone of voice. My palms get sweaty, and I feel as if I am the one on the stage, being interviewed.

Does anyone else feel silly? I cannot gush to a stranger. Especially about how pretty, smart, funny, fun etc. she is when she is not. Sure, she can be a great friend, even my best, but I can't fudge the truth. Of course, I don't volunteer any information, and I make her sound awesome. But I didn't add any sprinkles.

Then of course, comes the odd questions. Someone asked me- no joke- "If she was not jewish, what type of girl would she be?" Umm, excuse me. She is. And I am too. Jewish and frum. So, well, I don't know?
I was more than taken aback by that one.

I also hated this question: "What does she do for fun?" That is really tricky, because you don't want her to sound bad, say if she watches movies or goes online... And yet, you don't want her to sound boring. I wanted to ask the woman: What type of girl are YOU looking for? And then I could answer accordingly.

Every answer has its own nuance and can be taken in several different ways. I honestly think this is one of the many faulty parts of the system.

... I dont want you to see

So I wrote before that I discovered the green within. Envy. Jealousy. You know, the middah that is the worst, that turns everything around and eventually poisins everything. Well, wait. I'm not that bad off yet.

I have this friend. We can call her Maidel, I guess. And Maidel and I talk on the phone almost every night, about everything. From stupidity to dating, to whatever. Anyway- we were both pretty much on the same page with shidduchim. Meaning: both of use hadn't gone out yet. I had some prospects; and as you know, many rejected me, some are still in the works, and I rejected one. She was pretty much not as busy. Then she had this prospective guy, and guess what, she got a yes. And she was going out.

And suddenly, I did not want to hear about it anymore. That might be because we absolutely exhausted the topic, but I do not know. I started getting annoyed with her and felt like she was bragging a bit. Maybe she was, but that is ok. It is her prerogative, and I should be excited for her.

So I am. I was. Whatever. I mean, I really was. I coached her into what to say, to wear, to do. I felt butterflies the whole shabbos knowing when she was going out. I was her reference.. I mean, yes. I didn't do anything that was bad. I just felt awful.

It went away, well, a bit. But I just really hate what this is making me become.

The other side of me

Did you ever discover a part of yourself that you never knew existed? I know that this happens all the time, with talents and whatever. Take me for example, I never knew that I could draw until I actually had to pick up a pencil in the ninth grade. Or that I didn't know I was a good dancer until I was picked to be head of dance in camp in the summer after ninth grade? I guess freshman year was a big one for me. Hah.

But this time, I am talking about something a little less exciting. I am talking about discovering an ugly part of you. But I mean me. Of course, it crops up in occasion. Things you don't like about yourself. But never, never, had I experienced something like this.

Jealousy. The big, green giant. But not the one in the cans of yummy corn. This one is all me, and let me tell you, Aidel had never experienced something like this before.

Thanks

Just a quick little detour from my boring term papers. College...

Anyway- I wanted to thank all of you for your nice and inspiring comments. I was feeling MUY confused last time, and that was mainly because of my situation with certain boys and my parents. But after thinking about it, I think that I do know what I want. I am never really this insecure about anything, and it scares me. What is this doing to me? I have firmly decided in my mind that I am happy the way it is right now, and I should not get myself all worked up. I mean, I have plenty of time. If something comes up and its good, great. If it does not work out, thats good too. It is hashem sending me a message. Because he knows that I have a hard time saying no.

I dont know what I want anymore

I really don't know what is wrong with me. I mean, I came home so sure of what I wanted. And was totally gung-ho about everything- kollel wise, learning for how long and whatever. And now- not so sure. Perhaps it is because I have had a few recent bad experiences with the lot of boys whom are supposed to be those "top boys" I should be moiser nefesh to have.

All I know is that the more time is going by, the less and less sure of myself I am becoming. And it really freaks me out. I know I want a boy to be learning, but for how long, I do not know. I am not a forever type of hashem yaazor girl, and do not think I can live up to that.

AHHHH. I hate this stinking pressure. I'm sort of happy that I have time till I have to go out now. I feel as if I am a pendulum, swinging from side to side.