Really, it is fine that you said no to me. I know that you are a top boy. And that I am young. And I didn't go to BJJ or whatever the top seminary is now. And that it wasn't you, but your mother who has a list full of hopeful girls. And that I am not supposed to know that I was even considered, but I do know. And I am glad that hashem has taken away someone not right for me, instead of making me decide. That is in fact, exactly what I asked of him.
But why do I feel so lost? I was actually quite calm and chipper when I figured it out from my father. Its fine. I smiled and told him that I am glad to have the decision out of my hands. I mean, its only the third boy that my father wanted for me to say no. Or not yet. Yeah, right. I would say that I was busy too instead of confrontation.
I know there are so many boys. And that I do not need to get married this year, or when I am nineteen. It is just the waiting. The feeling now. It is melancholy and low. I'm really ok. Right?
I have to remember. Remind myself that it is not me. I am a good girl. A BY one, who is nice. I have a good name. I know that I am nice looking, and thin. I do well. I am intellectual. And I want what is best. I strive to be better. Sure, maybe I am not from the "frummest" neighborhood. And yes, my family does watch DVDs. Is that why you turned me down? It is really ok. I'd just like to be given a chance.
What if no one wants to give me a chance?
Thursday, November 1, 2007
My letter
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18 comments:
Aidel:
Your writing is thoughtful and insightful, but its nevertheless a great pity to have to go through this process at eighteen - why not give yourself a chance and enjoy being young: the opportunities will be there when the time is right.
Shabbat shalom
Anon613
I don't know if this will be any comfort to you but I didn't go out with my first boy until a year and half after seminary! I actually enjoyed my time them to grow and learn and change and have fun. I am so not sorry that I didn't go out earlier..just relax and don't worry! Most boys like the younger ones better anyway...Hatzlacha with everything!
the insecurity of searching and waiting is naturally very unsettling. however remember you are who who are with your maalos and iyh the right one will soon come along. don't let rejection get to you. happy hunting!
Oh please.
Don't let some stuck-up hocker "top boy" crap get to you.
You're a good kid and you'll get what's coming.
So what all your friends are popping out little kids like its going outta style?
Pressure, pressure. Ah, I feel for ya.
And this "top boy" business ticks me off.
I'll tell you what a "top boy" is.
Someone who provides for his family, kind and isn't a fat schlub, which most of these "top boys" turn out to be after sitting and eating kugel all day in kollel.
And enough with these stupid lists!! I'm tired of hearing of these new inventions that totally cater to the men.
The man is supposed to pursue the woman, not vice versa. It's a frickin perversion!
(I keep adding on stuff :) )
Big deal you watch DVDs. Another pet peeve, we all do it, so quit hocking about it.
You'll get your chance.
/end rant.
Not to be obtuse, but can ya fix my link already :P . I will reciprocate, of course.
I use to think the same thing, that maybe nobody would be interested in me. But BH, I'm with someone now.
Sometimes when we are offered something and then it's taken away, we feel disappointed because it was a ray of hope and then it vanished. Like when I had a job interview but wasn't hired.
You have plenty of time. It's better to do it when you are more ready
ah, he'll come around one day...
Oh gosh oh gosh. I can't help but echo Jacob, because he's so right.
I didn't get a single date until I was 20, and they haven't been flying at me since. At first it bothered me - am I not good enough for these guys? But after a few dates you get almost relieved to not have them.
If you think it isn't fun not-dating, try dating. ;-)
Every guy who says no is another guy you don't have to think about again.
It's stupid to say "you only need one", but the fact is, you'll meet him eventually, and the fewer people you have to date first, the better your life will be.
And one last thing: DON'T let a bunch of guys with their heads in the sand and their overprotective mothers dictate how you value yourself.
Welcome to the scene - hope you enjoy every stressful minute.
I know that telling you not to worry, not to rush, etc isn't going to calm you down but I do want to say that the trick to surviving this stage in life is to rise above. You may not get a date this month, you may not get a date this year, and you may not be married as soon as you've always dreamed. No girl walks out of seminary and announces that she wans to be the last of her friends to get married, but it happens more often than you think.
My one piece of advice is do not, absolutely do not, let the unfair process of shidduchim take over your life. Do not let each 'no' drag you down. You WILL find your bashert someday and it might just not be when you're 18. Many boys will gladly go out with a girl who is 20, but most boys will not go out with a girl who is 20 and depressed. Keep yourself upbeat, your friends are still single, have fun, start your life, enjoy your job, and stay happy.
Ok two points out of many a dozen things I could say.
First off, its the boy who should be writing the letter to apologize for being an idiot. Maybe, he didnt want, davka because you are an intellectual. I find that most "good" boys, sic, feel threatened by girls who think for themselves.
As for who will give you a chance, the one who was meant for you.
There are many other comments I could make if you want to email me, as they might not be appropriate for a public forum.
This may or may not help now but keep the thought for later when you may enjoy it. A boy I was "chalish-ing" for treated me as you have been treated. I moped around for a bit feeling like the fault was in me. Then I went on. Years later my husband and I met this guy and his wife at a simcha. I looked at my husband beside me and I looked at this man and I said to myself "What could you possibly have been thinking when you wanted that one?!" Looking at him with very different eyes then I had when I was younger, I offered up an instant thanks to the Ribboneh Shel Olam for sparing me a life with what that person had become. That "top boy" had become a middle aged man with his stomache around his knees, no hair and a really nasty way of talking to his wife.
How can it be that your feeling this way at 18? It's insane. Im almost seventeen, I'm still in highschool and your not that much older than me! Hey, maybe I can ask you some questions about seminary, whats your e-mail address?
What do you think of this?
http://jacobdajew.blogspot.com/2007/11/silent-tragedy-of-singles.html
Well, atleast you yourself know that you are a good and sweet girl, and if he wasn't clever enough to think so then he doesn't deserve to get you, when you'l find the right one you'l be so thankfull to him that this boy said no.
Rejection and disappointment hurt, but unfortunately, they're a part of dating. I'm sorry you have to go through the pressure and the pain, especially at such a young age. But as wonderful and frum and good and kind and pretty as you are, there will be people who simply don't want to give you a chance. It does not mean you are defective or that no one will give you a chance; it means that that particular person (or his mother), for whatever reason, made that decision.
"A person can be the finest plum in the world...But we must remember that there will be people who do not like plums." ~Leo Buscaglia
hey i'm also just back from sem. and while i'm not dating yet i know the pressure thats out there from talking to other girls from h.s/sem of our year. i'm actually a lil bit nervous of whats going to be when i enter the "parsha" but for now i know all i can do is live my life now whats best for me and you make sure to do the same.
and remember no boy(or mother or shadchan)can decide what your "worth". we are not cattle. its a matter of finding the right match, not your value.
Late on the act, but he's my two-cent worth:
1. There is no hurry. Boys won't get away from you.
2. Flirt with them and pick the ones that you like among those that are after you. Don't be silly by going along with that medieval system.
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