Two Sides of the Fence

While I was in Israel- I was sitting with a group of my friends who had married right out of seminary, moved to Israel, and were b'h blessed with children less than a year later. Their babies are turning one in the next few months. We were sitting and talking about our friends whom were single and in the states. One of the girls commented, "I can't believe our friends are starting graduate school. I mean, thats big." She wasn't saying anything about regretting marrying young, she just felt strange that she had no degree and had just married and now had a family of her own. She mused that sometimes she felt the girls were lucky to get their degrees behind them before they started life.

Well, now its bein hazmanim and I am in the United States. I was talking with one of my closest friends who said that she just can't believe shes starting graduate school and shes not married. She just never pictured being single and going to school, getting her BA. A group of single friends were talking about how they feel stupid because girls our age have one and some even almost two kids and they are just in the same boat, going to school.

I thought this was highly amusing. It seems that no matter where you are in life, the other side of the fence looks appealing in some ways.

Seminary: phased out?

Well, I went to seminary. The thought of being away from home for the year gave me goosebumps up until the plane ride. I'm not sure if I truly wanted to go, or if I knew I should... or a combination. But I got into my first choice, and I went.

And I cried. For a bit. I was very homesick, and I missed my family, my mother, my house, my life. But eventually, I got over it and made some great friends. Yes, I learned plenty. Had many experiences. Would I repeat the year? Never. Do I think that it was very good for me? Yes, of course.

But now... Aidel's sister is approaching the age of Seminary. Its a very tough topic. I don't think that she wants to go so much. She does, but she is not one that is dying to go. And my parents do not know where the money will go to pay for her. B'H, my parents are comfortable. But the thought of 25,000 additional dollars necessary for her year in Israel (Oh yes, with the plane tickets, spending cash, phone bills, and food bills that she is bound to have) it is just a LOT of money. And to spend it when she isn't even so enthused about it... they aren't sure.

I was speaking to a few young girls who are the age or soon to be age of going to sem, and it seems that less people are going. Is this true? From my year in HS, EVERYONE went. I mean sure, there were the few that stayed home, and they still get eyebrows for why they did not go. I don't want that to happen to my sister. Plus, I'd love to have her here in E'Y. And I do think that it is good for her. I'm just torn on whether its necessary for her to go.

As is she. What do you think?

My Erev Shabbos

Usually, friday is busy. Not always hectic, but busy. This week finds me sitting at the computer, with a loss of what I usually do.

I normally cook most things Thursday night, leave a few things for friday but not too much. Friday is for straightening up the house, sponja, calling every relative in America, and getting ready for shabbos. Theres always the last minute hot-plate to turn on or sticking the kishka into the cholent pot right before shabbos.

I guess I must have cleaned up this whole week, having the free time that I did. And I finished all of my cooking yesterday, and quite early I might add. So its strange to have this time now to do... nothing. I don't want to start any of the projects on my to-do list because its Friday. I already set up the guest room... and I can't set the table yet because Mr. Aidel isn't home and has his stuff there.

I'm definitely enjoying the peace. I know that no matter what, by the time its time to light candles, Ill be rushing with not enough minutes. But for now, I sit and wait for shabbos to come.

Post-Pesach

I know I am supposed to write an all-inspiring post of how it is to live in Israel and be back after Pesach, but I can't. I do love it here. Its so full of kedusha, with an oppurtunity to go to the kosel or geulah whenever I feel like it. Its just different. I miss my family and my friends in America. And I forgot how lonely it is to be alone for most of the day.

Furthermore, most of the few married friends that I had here moved back before Pesach. Its just weird to be back here when none of them are. No one really to call or do anything with, when Im not busy with my schoolwork or my apartment. I'm not complaining, I know I am so lucky to be here. My husband thrives here in his yeshiva, and where else can I make shabbos and have guests at my table whenever I like?

I guess I also feel that gap that http://teachurheartout.blogspot.com was talking about. I feel really separated from my friends in America whom are single. We really are now at different stages in life, and I don't want our friendships to disentegrate... but they will. I still make an effort to call them, but our conversations have changed. I just feel helpless because I don't want to be the married friend that forgot them. To me... it feels like they are the single girls who forgot me.

Who knew?

So... I was having a chat with a fellow married friend, living back home. We were weighing the pros and cons of living in Israel, staying close to family, or moving further away but staying in the US. And it really got me thinking.

Of course, living in Eretz Yisroel is a privilege. I know that. There are many times that I look out my window and see the beauty... am able to just hop into a cab and be at the Kosel, etc. Besides. Everyone here is married. There is none of the pressure of keeping with married/single friends, because everyone here is the same. No one here gives me eyebrows when I have to go home to make supper. And everyone is basically on the same schedule. Another plus is shabbos. There are always guests to be had, whether yeshiva bachurim, seminary girls, or couples. We are often invited out and shabbos is a time where we can either be alone, or bond with others. And, being married six or so months... it has turned me into quite a cook. But I miss America. My family. My friends... less responsibilities.

My friend got married a few weeks after me. She lives in close proximity to her parents and married siblings, as well as all of our friends. She complains all the time, that the friends don't ever call her, invite her, etc. I tried telling her that sometimes married friends are intimidating, and they may just not want to bother her. All of her married friends do not live near her.... so she feels like the odd one out, being married. Our friends get to go to Florida and pizza, and she is the one that feels bad for having to make supper. It really turns the tables, no? Another point of hers is that out of all the shabbosim and yomim tovim that shes been married, she's made one shabbos. She asked me after five months of marriage how to make chicken. I think I swallowed my laughter... but it didn't really give them a chance to be themselves.

So here I am... missing home like crazy. Missing my friends, my family, my car, etc. I know E'Y is beautiful, but when you are here it can be really difficult. I cant wait for Pesach vacation and the ability to be home, with my parents... less responsibilities. But Im guessing that living like that, right away, is probably not the best thing. Israel probably is.

December lights

Chanukah. Just the name illicits thoughts of lights and happiness, of snowy weather and hot cocoa and sitting indoors. Family.

Thats what Chanukah is to me. But anyway.. on to life.

this year, my chanukah is different. No singing Abba, no little siblings dancing and playing drediel, no big family parties. This year, its us 2. Lighting candles together, looking into the flames, and davening. Its very different. But beautiful at the same time.

Theres no mothers and grandmothers making latkes and serving doughnuts. In my family, we have tradition to bake chanukah cookies with all the kids. Sure, I miss that. This year Im the one making latkes. And if I want any parties, again I have to be in charge.

Sure, its difficult. Many of my friends succumbed to the homesickness that could very well envelop and destroy the beauty. But I won't let it. I still feel so special, and I feel the holiness and warmth of this holiday of lights.

I guess different is part of life.

Again

So... first off, thanks to the generous commenters. Some of you really made me feel a lot better and understand exactly what it is thats bothering me. It was nice to feel that I am not crazy, nor wrong but simply afraid.

Thats what it is. I put my finger on it. Its not really jealousy, its fear. I have a fear of the unknown. A fear for the future. I know that a lot of people do, but with me I think its more pronounced. I know that I have not been married all that long, and really, its a bracha for some people to get to spend extra time together. Its just that as every month goes by, I think to myself, "Why not now?" And also, if it will ever happen. But its the same with shidduchim I think. I was just talking to one of my good friends who is back at home. She said that its not that she needs to be married next month. She's just afraid, and she wants to know if it will happen. If she had a crystal ball or ruach hakodesh, and she saw her wedding day in January 2009, she'd be fine. She just wants to know.

So I think its the same with me.

Besides, it just so happens that every single acqaintance and friend of mine is expecting. Yes, EVERY single last one who is here in EY. You are right if you say that I need to meet more people... its a bracha really. So many girls and blessed right away. Just when you are the odd one out... it kind of hurts.

Once again, may hashem answer our tefilos l'tovah and may we all be granted what we are waiting for bekarov.

Green again

I decided that it must be it. I must be a jealous person. Why else would I feel that pulling on my heart, when I see what I want most and don't have? I'm not materialistic, so I have never felt it before with friend's clothes or things.

This is something else. Its something that I can't help. I know that everything is up to Hashem, and I do feel him in my life. But I still feel it....

Yes, I have time. What's the rush? Aidel, you felt the same way last year when you were getting nos. You looked at girl's left hands and felt that pang. You thought it was only that. And look at you now? Did you need to feel it? Did you need to be hard on yourself?

Somehow, this feels different.

I'm not desperate. Im happy. Thrilled really. But its just a pang. Its small, silent usually, but sometimes, it just feels stronger.

May hashem grant me and everyone else this year plenty of bracha, as well as clarity to see the good in our lives and in ourselves.

Mar-Cheshvan

I don't know if you feel it, but I do. That bitterness. The feeling of this month dragging on, engulfing us so that we have nothing but rain and sadness.

I remember in Seminary. Everyone who was a "maven" said that November was like, the worst month to get through. Nothing to look forward to, no off days, nothing. And they were pretty much right. It was rainy, I was homesick, and it felt like the year would not end.

Now I'm one of those big mavens who have seminary girls over and tell them words of wisdom. I hear them kvetching, and I feel their pain. At this point, it does feel like Pesach, forget about June, is just skipping this year and instead we are having November over and over again.

But its not true. I, unlike them, do know that things fly by. Soon it will be Chanukah, and everyone knows that by chanukah, the year is over. And they will go home, and cry that they want to stay. Who knows where Ill be?

Its funny. Because I am happy here in E'Y. But I have to say, that now that Im finally settling down, I started feeling twinges of homesickness. Im not one of those girls who kvetch about going home every day, because they have to sift flour or because they just cant take it. Im ok. I just started feeling like I am really far away from my family at home. I miss them. I miss Sundays. I miss not being alone in the afternoons, and always having somewhere to go and hang out.

Is that a crime?

Gmar Chasima Tovah

Thanks for all of the insightful comments! I know that these things should be ignored- but sometimes it is hard to just ignore everything. And I just wanted to let the singles know that they are not "out of the loop". When polled, most Newly married people feel closer to their single friends than the "marrieds". So for all who imagine their friends dropping them the instant they accept that wedding band, or even engagement ring, bets are off.

As for Rosh Hashana- I just wanted to comment on it. Usually, I look towards Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur with dread. Im not a shul person. I know, nineteen years old and she is antsy. But I am. I constantly look at my watch and look forward to exiting, to hearing that last kol shofar. Yom kippur is worse, because being the not-such-great faster that I am, I either feel terribly ill or leave shul. And then I just feel guilty. But this year- I gotta tell you- something was different.

I was in a shul where I did not know a soul. Sure, kiddush was really awkward, for until Mr. Aidel came to see if I was still alive, I just sat there looking into my machzor, seeming really holy. But davening.... well. The shul I was in made it come alive. Every stanza was a tune, a song, and I really just felt it. My shemona esrei is usually one of the shorter ones in the shul.. but it wasn't. I was just inspired. I just couldn't stop thinking about last Rosh Hashana- how I would have never imagined to be sitting here. Married. Sheitel on head, and in Israel. I thought of all the decisions of this past year, of everything that happened- and that everything had been decided on that one day. All of those brachos. So yeah, I was inspired. And I davened hard, imagining myself sitting somewhere next year.

So I just hope that we all remain inspired throughout the aseres ye'mai teshuvah, and maybe even the rest of the year. May we be zoche to have a year filled with simchas, mazal, and lots and lots of bracha and sweetness!