it's official!

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, NO, I AM NOT ENGAGED. Hey, I have not even dated anyone yet. But, Aidel's BEST FRIEND is officially engaged. I knew this was coming, because I knew when she first dated him, and when it became serious. And I am still in a little bit of shock.

First off- I am soo soo excited for her. When she warned me, I was jumping up and down and could not stop smiling. Some of my friends thought that I was getting serious.. haha. It was cute. And even now, when I think about it, I am so so excited. I really am proud of myself- for not feeling the approach of the green monster. I assure myself that I will not lose her friendship, and that I too will i"yh be joining her in the suit of matrimony and will only benefit because I have an experienced close individual who can help guide me through the whatnots.

I just feel a little inexperienced. I mean, here she is, going and getting married, and I have not even dated yet. And on that note- Hopefully that is changing very soon. Which I am in midst of freaking out about. I mean, it has never been ok for me to talk to a boy. And now everyone is shoving me in some strange guy's direction, coaxing me to get to know him. Hah. I am terrified of making a fool of myself, of being mute, of blushing, and just looking idiotic. I have a tendency to smile goofily when I am nervous and blush profusively. Ahhhhh.

More on this later.

Davening works!

Wow. I cannot first begin to thank all of my listeners and commenters. You really gave me sound advice, and did not make my problems feel trivial. But baruch hashem, something just happened. I davened so hard, asking Hashem to please make him reconsider. Make him listen to my view, even if it is on this. Because I know that even if this one boy is not for me, I need to go out there and break the ice, and get my feet a little wet. I think maybe once I start going out, he may realize the situation that really is.

Well, I did not need to go to his Rebbe. I was planning on it, with my mother of course, and that is a tremendous step for me. My father is an amazing person. He does more chessed than anyone I know, runs tons of organizations, and seriously is an honest and caring person. He would give the poor neighbor the shirt off his back, and he constantly puts others and their plight before my family. And right now, that is the problem. But... like I said. He does not really listen when it comes to other's opinions. And with shidduchim, it has gotten impossible.

So... I just davened. Poured out my soul to Hashem, asking him to please help. And miraculously, and suddenly, my father changed his mind. He decided that he was wrong, and if I wanted to go out with this boy, I could.
I am not saying that all is better. There will be issues in the future, and I will have to talk to someone about it. But right now, I just feel relieved. A huge weight has been lifted off my chest.

More on me, and my secret life later. But for now, I just wanted to inspire you, and mainly myself. I am not the girl who is always shuckling and remembering to daven mincha. Hey, I am lucky if I daven shacharis. But I do feel like I speak to Hashem and ask of him things. But wow. An answer that was so powerful and direct. I do feel loved, and so so lucky.

Help!

Ok- I really do need some aid. Assistance. Something.
I will not bore you all to tears about my tears and whatnot. But I will say that I am in a very complicated situation.

Like I said- I have gotten a bunch of nos from boys. I know why, and it has nothing to do with me, but still. Anyway- lately I have been getting a lot of suggestions. A few days ago, I got a great one. And get this- he said yes already. But my father is making me turn him down. In fact, he made me turn down every single boy that had not already turned me down.

He only says yes to the boys that he picks out, or that his friend's suggest. And those mostly say no to me, or are completely not shaiich.

I just have no idea what to do. My mother agrees with me on this issue, but we cannot change his mind. He is adamant. And I am at a loss. Of course I have not gone out yet. At this rate, I will not.

And there is another thing. There is one particular boy, who he really wants me to go out with. I probably will end up, for his sake. But I feel like I am being forced into an arranged marriage. Marry him, or do not marry anyone at all. Marry him, or be a disappointment for the rest of your life.

I never knew what it feels like to be a disappointment to one's parents. Now I think I do know. And it kills me.