Saturday, May 10, 2008

My Two Cents

Wow- it has been awhile, but I have been busy with schoolwork and stuff. I think the Professors in Touro purposely collaberate and decide that all term papers should be due the week after Pesach. I mean, really!

Anyway- on the wedding front- b"h all is going well, and relatively smoothly bli ayin hara. And I have to say that I am really making an effort for my single friends. One of Best friends just got married this past week, and when she was engaged I realized how hard she worked to keep me in the loop. Of course, things do change, as people get busy. But there is a difference between being a tad busier than usual and dropping your friends like hot potatoes.

But I do have to say my piece about one thing. Besides for being treated differently by a vast lot of people, which is to be expected. I don't really understand why all of a sudden I am a novelty, but don't worry, I know that all of the attention wears off. Besides, I am not one that basks in it. But I have a complaint about one of my other single, best friends.

I know that it must be really difficult for her to feel like she is losing me. I felt the same way when she began to date before I did. But I really am trying. I call her at least every other day, keep the conversation on her and other things, and just laugh everything else that I am doing off. I don't want to drop her, I still love her and want to stay friends. Just because people get married, all of a sudden you can't be friends anymore?

But she treats me differently. I guess she doesn't want to be left alone when I leave, but still. All of sudden she is off making new friends, which is totally allowed, but she leaves me alone. I feel like we are drifting, and I really don't think it is because of me.

How weird is that. Its like the reverse complaint. Usually, its the single friends kvetching about the engaged ones. But I promised myself that I wouldn't be THAT engaged girl. And I'm not.


Pretzel said...

As a single girl with many of my friends already married, I can relate to your single friend..For me, its harder to talk to my engaged/married friends even when they try and focus on my life (as you say) because I know there is lots going on in their life which is really what they are focusing on and it is almost as if they are making an effort to hear what is going on in my life. I'm not blaming them - its also a fault of mine - scared of losing them, jealous, feeling left behind, etc. My advice to you is keep on doing what you're doing - calling her, trying to hang out sometimes, etc and let her 'do her own thing' as well which is probably her way of coping. And eventually, you'll each find your comfort zone within your relationship...

Anonymous said...

Very true, what pretzel said. I have been there myself. You may feel just the same as always about your friendship, but the fact is that you have another best friend in your life, and while a husband can't fill in the place of a girlfriend type of relationship, it still changes the balance of the equation that you have always had with her. She knows that, and it is a healthy move on her part to branch out into newer friendships.

I speak from experience. When my best friend got married several years ago, we kept up our close friendship but it was not till recently that I realized it wasn't very good. She depended on me too much and didn't realize that I was moving on with my life (finishing college, full time job, traveling with other friends)and thought that our friendship was just the same as when we were teenagers and I came to resent her expecting me to drop everything at the drop of a hat whenever she wasn't busy with her husband (then kids) to spend time with her, etc. If I'd been married myself I don't think she'd have expected so much of me, but because I'm still single she didn't really understand it.

I know from your blog that you're a sensitive and aware person so I don't think you'd get stuck in that type of relationship...

halfshared said...
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Scraps said...

AK, you deserve a lot of credit for trying. I wish most of my engaged/married friends put in half as much effort as it sounds like you're making. someone who's still single, I'll admit that I sometimes back off a bit. It really depends on the vibes I'm getting off the engaged/married friend--some make it clear they're still interested in me and my life, in which case I'll put in the effort and listen to them babble about wedding plans or chickens or pregnancy or whatever. Others clearly indicate that since I do not exist in The Married World, I clearly must not be worthy of further association. Those ones I usually go to their weddings and never see/hear from again.

Another thing that's been a personal concern of mine is confidentiality. Of course I'd never tell a married friend of mine to keep things from her husband...but do I really want her husband to know that much about me?! So very often, if I am the one pulling away, it is for that reason. Maybe it's something your friend is worried about also, and you can reassure her on that front.

AidelKnaidel said...

Thanks so much for your comments. I do realize it must be hard for her to be around me sometimes, and I do not want to be the type of girl who becomes too attached either.

And scraps- that is an incredible insight. One of my friends recently told me that she was afraid of a diff. married friend who seemed to tell her husband everything. And although it is nice to share things with your chosson/husband, there are things about your friends that you do not need to say. They don't need to hear every little detail about the friends.

So thanks! You guys make me feel better about my efforts.

Anonymous said...

Just to add to my above post (#2): what added to my resentment was that I was understanding when she was busy or had to change our plans because of her responsibilities, but she didn't reciprocate. Once we had plans to go out and she called to cancel that morning as she and her husband had an important errand. I was disappointed but didn't say anything, just that I understood things come up. Then another friend of mine called and asked me to go out with her, and we made some plans. Then when my married friend called to say that she and her husband had changed their plans and we could still go out, I told her fine, but that I'd made plans with another girl and if she wanted she could join us. She was furious about it and all but hung up on me. Later, we did make up, we even hashed this specific incident over a couple of years later, but she would never admit that she was in the wrong to get so angry at me.

The funny thing is that now she's become a bit more normal and has realized she needs to give me space in our friendship but I've decided that it's just not a good relationship for me to be in and I'm keeping things distant (for my own sanity!). It's sorta like the line from that pop song "too little, too late."

Marzi said...

I know i'm really late to be commenting on this post!! But I just wanted to let all of you(AK and all the posters) that you really helped me!!! My best friend is engaged-and you just made me feel so much better about how our relationship is changing. B"h my friend sounds like you AK-nice and sensitive to me-and i actually sound like your friend-backing off a bit!! I would love to hear how your relationship with your friend is now!! So if you read the comments on your old posts let me know!!! Thanks