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Monday, November 24, 2008

Green again

I decided that it must be it. I must be a jealous person. Why else would I feel that pulling on my heart, when I see what I want most and don't have? I'm not materialistic, so I have never felt it before with friend's clothes or things.

This is something else. Its something that I can't help. I know that everything is up to Hashem, and I do feel him in my life. But I still feel it....

Yes, I have time. What's the rush? Aidel, you felt the same way last year when you were getting nos. You looked at girl's left hands and felt that pang. You thought it was only that. And look at you now? Did you need to feel it? Did you need to be hard on yourself?

Somehow, this feels different.

I'm not desperate. Im happy. Thrilled really. But its just a pang. Its small, silent usually, but sometimes, it just feels stronger.

May hashem grant me and everyone else this year plenty of bracha, as well as clarity to see the good in our lives and in ourselves.

20 comments:

nmf #7 said...

Ouch.

Sorry you're feeling "green"- but I think you should realize how much you have to be grateful for.

I know you're not a jealous person, but there are many people in this world who don't even have what you have.

Take R' Akiva as an example- they lived in total poverty, and felt privileged when they could offer someone else straw. There are thousands in need, thousands who don't have children yet (and they have waited for a very long time, thousands who live day to day not knowing where their food comes from.

If you'd like not to feel the green monster of jealousy, maybe get involved in some of the Mosdos here in Israel that contribute to these families- and you'll end up leaving with not only the satisfaction of giving to someone else, but also seeing your own life in a new light.

Feel free to contact me if you'd like some places to volunteer your time at.

SIS said...

I remember a friend telling me that you don't realize when you're single and all you want is to be married, that as soon as you get married, BAM, the desperation to get pregnant kicks in. Hope those feelings get squelched soon!

mlevin said...

Why do you want a kid so soon? Is that because it's expected of you? Why not be yourself for a change and do something for yourself? Think of it as happy time. Once you're pregnant your life is over. First you start getting sick from the pregnancy. Then once this sickness is over, you are way too big to participate in most activities. Then, you get bigger and bigger and bigger... And when you think that you can't take it anymore, POP, you have a new human being to take care of. You are no longer number one on your list. You can't sleep... You can't go out at will... Your whole life is turned upside out.

No, don't be green. Be happy, that you've got another month of freedom. It's a gift and you should cherish it...'cause two weeks from now BAM it will be too late.

In Israel too. said...

M levin i think your wrong. females naturally want children. From when i was a young child i wanted a baby. It had nothing to do with what was excpected of me. Now a year after i got married i wait patiently and pray to Hashem that He will send me a child soon.

Aidele. I have said this before feel free to contatct me. I am in Isreal and in the same boat. Bagsandshoesrmylife@hotmail.com

mlevin said...

In Israel too - who talks about never having children? Aidel here is 19 years old and newly wed. She and her husband should be enjoying each other. Not getting immediately pregnant is a gift from Hashem. Hashem is giving them a few extra months to be just-the-two-of-them and save up a bit for the future. Children are expensive. Every dollar they get to save now is a dollar they will be grateful for in the future. They should cherish this opportunity.

chanie said...

Aidel, I completely understand your desire for a child. That said...
1) you are not the green monster of jealousy. And don't think of yourself that way.

2) Hopefully, you will be granted a child, many of them, soon. But in the meantime, enjoy the time with just you and your husband. use the time to bond. Use the time to plan. Use the time to save money for your future. But enjoy it.

3) Soon enough, you'll long for these days. Don't stress over the fact that you don't have more stress in your life yet..
(I have a classmate who has been married nine and a half months and is due next week...and she was kind of upset when she first found out, but now she's made peace with the blessing...but still....)

Jameel @ The Muqata said...

and enjoy the sleep!

corner point said...

Amen. Amen....

I feel bad that you're feeling jealous. That must not make life as enjoyable for you as it could be...

I'm glad you're happy and thrilled though. Try to focus on those and not on...the other things, if you can. Lakol zeman va'eis...
:-)

corner point said...

And by the way, my mom waited 14 years in all for her kids, and spent years in painful treatments and travelling to faraway doctors and getting advice from Rabbanim and who knows what else. Iy"H your time will come very soon...
(Not sure why I said all that, but I won't delete it. It's good for us to see that however unlucky we feel, there are those who are less lucky than us and it's good to realize how amazing our own lives are...)

Cherish the time. You're a lucky girl. You've been showered with blessings, and b'ezras Hashem you will continue to see the bracha in your life.

I know, it's easy to say and really hard to do... but think about how He knows what's best for you and is doing exactly that.

Hatzlacha...
:-)

Anonymous said...

Hi! My name is Marina Knaidel. I found your blog due to search by surname. i want to ask you few personal questions, if you don't mind. If your surname is Knaidel, it may be interesting for you as well. Can you please connect me at ouniversal2000@yahoo.com or by icq 334762187

Jameel @ The Muqata said...

If your surname is Knaidel,

HAHAHAH - this is too funny.

No one ever contacted me, asking if their related to the Muqata or Jameel...

:-)

Marina: Blog names rarely reflect a person's real name. I'll let Aidle Knaidle explain the meaning of the blog...

AidelKnaidel said...

Sorry Marina, but thats not my name. My First name isn't Aidel either... it was a play on an "Aidel Maidel" when I was frustrated with that term and what it meant.

Anonymous said...

mlevin does have a point. Of course people do have legitimate longings for children, but usually those that come from people far too young for their biological clocks to be ticking who have just gotten married stem from the societal pressure that we unfortunately live in. Thank G-d I did not feel that way after I got married and wanted some time to get used to the transition, but like Chanie's friend, I was the one who ended up pregnant right away. I spent some time wondering (not complaining) why Hashem would give that blessing to me, of all people, when there are so many people out there who I felt wanted it more than me. But who am I to say? That is what G-d decided, and that is what I made peace with. And I know that either way, I would be able to make peace with the situation. Because in the end, I look around, and it does seem like people's feelings come more from what they see (and therefore want) than what they actually feel, to the point that the two are indistinguishable from each other. That being said, I wish you luck and strength with your feelings.

halfshared said...

I don't really think it's jealousy that you are feeling. It may be that you are just concerned because you don't know that there won't be problems in the future. It's more the unknown that you are afraid of. Yes, of course enjoy your time now, it can be the best time and you really have the opportunity to get to know your husband and vice versa without dealing with a sick and hormonal wife (for some). On the other hand, I can understand you feeling a little worried, if that's what it is...good luck. May you be blessed with that which you wish for and it should be good for you.

Inspired said...

I have seen so many girls go through this, and I find that it is an attitude- sorry!

As much as longing for children is natural for women, I think a lot of it is wanting to "get to the next stage already". Of course you want to KNOW you can have children- but listen, you are also pointing out the fact that everyone else around you is pregnant.

Weren't you taught not to even think about this for a year after your marriage? A friend of mine was nervous while she was engaged about gettiing pregnant TOO quickly, and when she discussed it with someone wise, she felt assured when hearing that each can be a potentially bracha-full situation, and Hashem will know what to give you, and you will say THANK YOU!

Perhaps go speak to some of your single friends... A friend of mine who is in the same position as you told me after a whole vent, "... And you know what? I forget how much I was DYING to get married!"

So... sorry for going on for so long, this is just close to my heart- I agree with those who say enjoy the time- hard to hear, but true!

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