Sunday, October 21, 2007

Inner Debate

So, I decided to take a break from part two of my shidduch talk, and just talk about other, important topics. Maybe. But part two, along with ten and twenty, will be up very soon.
{{First off- thanks to my amazing commenters! Wow- I did not expect my first post to get so many, as well as the fact that they are from people who are well-established in blog land and with great blogs. I mean, I read yours all the time. So thanks. }}

But on to my topic for the day. Now, its really about Raising Children. But not just any. Mine. One day. Now, we are not going onto a tangent and talking about finding that husband, but the actual art of raising kids.

After Seminary, I know that it is not inborn and has to be worked at. There has to be a system. But what system? I feel like every kid is sooo different. Take my parents for example, and me. My parents were pretty strict, but I didn't feel it. I was allowed to watch TV/Movies, and my mother let me listen to what I wanted. But Boys? Chas Veshalom. Now I'll you- I did have many oppurtunities in the ninth/tenth grades to go with my friends and do "bad stuff." But I didn't. Why not?

Well, that stumps me. I know that I was a shy kid, so that could have been why. Or maybe it was because I had a conscience. Or was it the fear of my parents? I'll tell you what. I was always able to talk to my mother and I actually told her once that I really wanted to. That for sure helped. But I don't know what exactly it was that stopped me from doing anything of the sort.

My parents are great parents. They are. I mean, now I have some complaints just because I am older, and being the oldest, they don't really know what to do with me. But I think they did a good job. In fact, people are always telling them that, because the sister under me is an angel. Pretty much- anyway out of the house.

But I am worried a different sister. One who is ten years old, and quite a handful. I don't know if my parents' "method" is going to work for her like with me. And that actually got me to my first question, What makes a child raised well?
[On to raising children, part two next time. Later!]


halfshared said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
fashionista cat in a zero gravity shoe-store said...

Thanks for dropping by at my blog.

The funny thing about education is that everybody is an expert at it - since everybody's been educated in some way or another. That's what makes sharing experiences way more valuable than any parenting handbook.

yingerman said...

Never really know until its too late.
Kids are funny things, each born with a different temperament.
From personal exchanges with other moms n' dads, discipline helps the kid feel safe as does great sholom bayis.
Talk to Hashem about your problems and if you dont get a response ask a one of heaven secretaries like a rav or machanec/es.

Bas~Melech said...

It's really all out of our hands. We need to do our best and pray a lot, but the results are not ours to claim, good or bad. But it is definitely true that each child is different and the same technique doesn't fit all.

fashionista -- You have a point there, but it's also dangerous. Many people go into chinuch looking at everything through the lens of their own childhood, yet every child is different. My first year in teaching was a continuous struggle to look at the kids for themselves and not as little me-s. Had I allowed myself to interpret everything through my own experiences, I would have made many more mistakes.

halfshared said...

There is no one method that is a guarantee for perfect children. Every child needs love, warmth, stability, security, firmness, understanding and consistency. Being more or less strict with one child, needs an evaluation as to what works best with her/him. And of course we can never stop praying! A parent needs tons of siyata dishmaya always!

fashionista cat in a zero gravity shoe-store said...

bas~melech, I teach as well, but the age range I teach are young adults.

Teachers generally tend to be too much of a teacher when they should be parents. Teacher parents often tend to evaluate their own children's achievements - often by very strict standards - and they also try to be "subjective" where indivdual attention needs to be paid. There's a reason why they say, "Good teachers make bad parents". They make you aware of that at psychology classes when you study for a teaching degree at university over here. But teachers also need to be aware that their goals are in some ways different from the students' parents as children at school get gradually prepared for adult life while parents often would like their children to be "their little ones" as long as possible. Also, in responsibility to the entire class, the "mediocre" students set the pace for a teacher, while parents often want their child to be the "norma normans". Prep- and elementary school still let a teacher be more of a 'parent', but schools that prepare for a degree inevitably require from teachers to become rigid.

Communication is key in raising children though; the average parents talk to their children eight minutes per day as surveys have shown.
Also, there are three R's parents should provide: reliability, responsibility, respect.
There's no worse and more painful feeling in inter-human relationships (lovers, parents - child, friends etc.) than regret - regret to have missed out on good moments when a little effort could have made them worthwhile.

Jacob Da Jew said...

Thanks for the link but you put Lakewood venter's url instead of mine


Pretty funny, I must say.

When you gonna stop by my place?

David_on_the_Lake said...

Soo interesting..
I'm also the oldest and I also had opportunities to be bad..but i was such a goodie goodie..
I just could never do it..
I was also shy..but I cant really put my finger on why..

Bad4shidduchim(in exile) said...

don't underestimate the self-righting tendency of kids. At some point they look around and think: "How should I be acting?" Unless they're rebels, they'll choose something healthy.

PS: if you enable anonymous comments and require a word verification (from your dashboard), non-blogger people would be more willing to comment... [/hint]

corner point said...

I know how you feel. I'm also the oldest child, b"H the product of great parenting, and going in a direction that I'm proud of and happy about.
But I also feel a tinge of fear for my younger siblings...who says they'll choose the same--or otherwise acceptable and yashar--path?
I came to the conclusion that as the oldests, we have the substantial achrayus to be there for our younger sibs, showing them we care, are willing to listen, love them unconditionally, and do not judge them...It's scary, but it's our job. That's not to say that if they dissappoint us it's our fault, but just that we definitely have a lot of power to steer them in the right direction...

bad4shidduchim said...

Thanks for changing the options. I'll be around more often. So get writing! ;-)

Anonymous said...

I always did my own thing but kept out of major trouble thereby squeeking thru the system...

AidelKnaidel said...

Thanks everyone! Sorry about the wrong links, I guess my html was off. Oh well, it has been awhile. And as for Bad4shidduchim- I allowed anonymous comments just for you. :)

thanks again.

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