Thursday, November 22, 2007

I dont know what I want anymore

I really don't know what is wrong with me. I mean, I came home so sure of what I wanted. And was totally gung-ho about everything- kollel wise, learning for how long and whatever. And now- not so sure. Perhaps it is because I have had a few recent bad experiences with the lot of boys whom are supposed to be those "top boys" I should be moiser nefesh to have.

All I know is that the more time is going by, the less and less sure of myself I am becoming. And it really freaks me out. I know I want a boy to be learning, but for how long, I do not know. I am not a forever type of hashem yaazor girl, and do not think I can live up to that.

AHHHH. I hate this stinking pressure. I'm sort of happy that I have time till I have to go out now. I feel as if I am a pendulum, swinging from side to side.


StillinShidduchim said...

If your convictions faded so quickly, then chances are it's not really dyed-in-the-wool. You know what you want; you wrote it in the post. Are you uncomfortable telling that to people? Do you feel like less of a person because you know (and you do know) that you don't want a lifer? Also, how on earth should you know at age 18 what you want to be happening at age 28? I think it's completely unrealistic when people think they can plan out the rest of their life.

Anonymous said...

Thats what shidduchim are all may start of thinking you know exactly what you need, but then you meet actual boys and your mindset changes. Every boy you go out with brings you one step closer to the boy you will marry, and he may be very different that what you originally pictured.

Scraps said...

This is why a lot of (sensible) guys won't date girls straight back from seminary. You need some time to figure things out for yourself and sort out what you really want as opposed to what you think you want because everyone says you're supposed to. You're 18, you're allowed to still be searching for your answers instead of having them all in hand!

Also, you mentioned that some of your reservations have come up because you've had some bad experiences with these "top boys" you're supposed to want. Well, here's a bit of unsolicited advice: Even if he can learn from before dawn until chatzos halayla without stopping and live on bread and water, if he's not a baal middos, he's not a top boy. That's my $.02.

halfshared said...

I don't believe in saying a number of years. If you know you don't want a "lifer" then maybe just say you want someone who will learn as long as possible..and you'll play it by ear. When I was your age, I said I wanted...but didn't mean it at all. Now, after working on myself and being out there, I am definitely more confident in what I say I want cuz it's true and I came to it on my own.

Semgirl said...

Just take your time, relax you are stil young. Dont let anuyone pressure you, AM. And most of all dont judge one particular Hashkafa over another based on a few jerks, they arent worth it, and you are only going to cause yourself a lot of confusion.

Anonymous said...

honesty with yourself and with your dates, half the boys are in the same boat as you. I want to learn my whole life... bla bla bla...
you just have to feel them out.

c a r e f u l l y

Michelle said...

Sometimes you just have to go out more to know what you want....Don't let what you learned in Seminary make your decision.
Don't worry about impressing people. Just Be HAPPY!

Anonymous said...

Many aren't really sure what they want until they actually start dating guys. Every guy you go out with, will bring you one step closer to your goal and give you a clearer picture of what you're looking for. I can tell you this from experience. And iy"h you won't need to go out with too many guys before you hit upon the right one!

bad4shidduchim said...

I was never sure I wanted to support a guy forever, but it wasn't until I started dating that I realized how difficult I found it to respect them. Don't get me wrong - there are some really great learners out there who deserve to be supported for life. Unfortunately, there are too many who are just in yeshiva because it's done, it's easy, and also because they've been told that it's important.

If you don't want that lifestyle desperately, don't feel shy about rejecting it. The concept of kollel being for everyone is around 50 years old. There is a longer tradition of "learner/earners" and "community gvirs".

Bas~Melech said...

Just want to reassure you that this is totally normal. Not fun, but nothing to worry about. Now that you are back in your world, you will soon find yourself and (with it) the answer to that dreaded question.

ProfK said...

"All I know is that the more time is going by, the less and less sure of myself I am becoming"

Or look at it this way--the more time is going by, the less of someone else's vision for you you are becoming, and the more you are becoming your "adult" self, one that you get to choose. Better to make the adjustments in your thinking now then to wake up 6 years married and wonder why you are doing what you are doing.

Juggling Frogs said...

It's YOUR nefesh. If YOU chose to be moiser nefesh about something YOU value, that's great.

When it comes naturally, as an expression of how much YOU value something, it won't feel like a "should" or like capitulating to someone else's recommendations or values.

No one can be moiser someone else's nefesh. That's not mesirat nefesh, but genivat nefesh, in my opinion. (Even if the ganef is only in your own head.)

I think, if you feel like you should be moiser nefesh to have someone, then it's not a match. When it's a match, you'll want to make whatever "sacrifices" necessary to make a life together with this person.

Someone outside looking at your choice will think it's mesirat nefesh, but, if it comes naturally, you'll feel like it's your preferred choice.

If you think someone is an illui and needs support, then he is a tzedaka worthy of your funds. Marriage is a partnership, not tzedaka.

You're going to be partners, responsible to and for one another and your children.

I'm not in the same type of community at all, so I understand that what I say may be inapplicable and ignorant.

But, to my (outsider's) eyes, marrying someone who plans to sit and learn indefinitely is similar to marrying anyone else who has very specific career or life goals.

Those goals are central to his personality, and define a major part of his life's mission. Yet, it is only a part of who he is. And circumstances can change.

You want to choose the PERSON whose goals you share, not the GOALS themselves.

Life has a way of moving the goalposts. In addition to being pointed in the same direction, you need someone you can work with and grow together.

May you find the one who will make your soul sing.

yomtova said...

Did you want a learning guy before you went to seminary or only after you got home?

Good luck!

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