Musings

*hides* I mean't to post days ago, I just have not found the time. So sorry. Oh well, here goes for my last few days of thoughts...

Again with the friends. One of my friends, who I am actually becoming closer with, got engaged like, right away. Awhile back. And she was so cute, and so excited, and not at all like those engaged girls we all make fun of all the time. And I was really happy, because she would tell me all her plans and we would just have fun together. But I do have to say, that a part of me looked at her and saw me in her eyes. She is a bit similar to me, so I thought, you see, "She's engaged, I will be too i"yh". And I also could not wait to be in her stage. It was not jealousy like with my friend Maidel 2- but I longed to be in her shoes.

Long no more. Sadly, she broke her engagement. This is now very real to me, because I have seen the stars in her eyes one day, and the next day, nothing. I'm not saying this is SO horrible, I mean, one of my parents also had a broken engagement before they met the other, and baruch hashem for that. I am just saying that when people speak about broken engagements, it just seems like the person was never really happy- they would have never gotten married anyway. But she was going to. She had everything already.

Anyway- looking at her, of course with my usual smile, but inner sadness, I had an epiphany (Sp?). Here I was, looking at this girl for a couple of months, wishing that I was. That she was so lucky to be on the market for such a short amount of time. That she was out of the rat race and carried a trophy. And now, she probably looks at me and has that same feeling. Because not only is she not ahead of me, but not she probably feels behind me. Lagging along.

I have to say that I am proud of myself. My parents decided that since I am now nineteen, that shidduchim should be coming strong and our phone should be ringing off the hook. This is of course because they think that the whole world knows they waiting for the end of December. Hah. But anyway- I am right now very happy with what I am doing, and not in a rush. Sure, I do want to get married, and it hurts when my friends are all excited and in it without me, but I am young. I have time. And someone will want to marry me. Right?

The call

Yes, of course, it has happened by now. The call. Or shall I say, the calls. Reference calls. You can tell right away by the demure-like tone of the other person, from her first "hello." This is what mine sounded like yesterday:

Ring Ring. [To some revach tune or whatever I use for the strange numbers] I thought it was my friend from California.
Aidel: "Hello?!" Not in the best aidel-maidel tone either.
Women X: "Hi, is this Aidel Knaidel?" in a polite, restricted sort of "hem, hem" voice.
Aidel: Oh, yes, hello.
Women X: "Well, I have you as a reference for Maidel Two. Can I ask you some questions?"
At this point, I rack my brains for three positive and slightly different adjectives about the girl.

And then it goes on. For some reason, I feel enormous butterflies in my stomach when I hear the slight alteration in the tone of voice. My palms get sweaty, and I feel as if I am the one on the stage, being interviewed.

Does anyone else feel silly? I cannot gush to a stranger. Especially about how pretty, smart, funny, fun etc. she is when she is not. Sure, she can be a great friend, even my best, but I can't fudge the truth. Of course, I don't volunteer any information, and I make her sound awesome. But I didn't add any sprinkles.

Then of course, comes the odd questions. Someone asked me- no joke- "If she was not jewish, what type of girl would she be?" Umm, excuse me. She is. And I am too. Jewish and frum. So, well, I don't know?
I was more than taken aback by that one.

I also hated this question: "What does she do for fun?" That is really tricky, because you don't want her to sound bad, say if she watches movies or goes online... And yet, you don't want her to sound boring. I wanted to ask the woman: What type of girl are YOU looking for? And then I could answer accordingly.

Every answer has its own nuance and can be taken in several different ways. I honestly think this is one of the many faulty parts of the system.

... I dont want you to see

So I wrote before that I discovered the green within. Envy. Jealousy. You know, the middah that is the worst, that turns everything around and eventually poisins everything. Well, wait. I'm not that bad off yet.

I have this friend. We can call her Maidel, I guess. And Maidel and I talk on the phone almost every night, about everything. From stupidity to dating, to whatever. Anyway- we were both pretty much on the same page with shidduchim. Meaning: both of use hadn't gone out yet. I had some prospects; and as you know, many rejected me, some are still in the works, and I rejected one. She was pretty much not as busy. Then she had this prospective guy, and guess what, she got a yes. And she was going out.

And suddenly, I did not want to hear about it anymore. That might be because we absolutely exhausted the topic, but I do not know. I started getting annoyed with her and felt like she was bragging a bit. Maybe she was, but that is ok. It is her prerogative, and I should be excited for her.

So I am. I was. Whatever. I mean, I really was. I coached her into what to say, to wear, to do. I felt butterflies the whole shabbos knowing when she was going out. I was her reference.. I mean, yes. I didn't do anything that was bad. I just felt awful.

It went away, well, a bit. But I just really hate what this is making me become.

The other side of me

Did you ever discover a part of yourself that you never knew existed? I know that this happens all the time, with talents and whatever. Take me for example, I never knew that I could draw until I actually had to pick up a pencil in the ninth grade. Or that I didn't know I was a good dancer until I was picked to be head of dance in camp in the summer after ninth grade? I guess freshman year was a big one for me. Hah.

But this time, I am talking about something a little less exciting. I am talking about discovering an ugly part of you. But I mean me. Of course, it crops up in occasion. Things you don't like about yourself. But never, never, had I experienced something like this.

Jealousy. The big, green giant. But not the one in the cans of yummy corn. This one is all me, and let me tell you, Aidel had never experienced something like this before.