Yes, of course, it has happened by now. The call. Or shall I say, the calls. Reference calls. You can tell right away by the demure-like tone of the other person, from her first "hello." This is what mine sounded like yesterday:
Ring Ring. [To some revach tune or whatever I use for the strange numbers] I thought it was my friend from California.
Aidel: "Hello?!" Not in the best aidel-maidel tone either.
Women X: "Hi, is this Aidel Knaidel?" in a polite, restricted sort of "hem, hem" voice.
Aidel: Oh, yes, hello.
Women X: "Well, I have you as a reference for Maidel Two. Can I ask you some questions?"
At this point, I rack my brains for three positive and slightly different adjectives about the girl.
And then it goes on. For some reason, I feel enormous butterflies in my stomach when I hear the slight alteration in the tone of voice. My palms get sweaty, and I feel as if I am the one on the stage, being interviewed.
Does anyone else feel silly? I cannot gush to a stranger. Especially about how pretty, smart, funny, fun etc. she is when she is not. Sure, she can be a great friend, even my best, but I can't fudge the truth. Of course, I don't volunteer any information, and I make her sound awesome. But I didn't add any sprinkles.
Then of course, comes the odd questions. Someone asked me- no joke- "If she was not jewish, what type of girl would she be?" Umm, excuse me. She is. And I am too. Jewish and frum. So, well, I don't know?
I was more than taken aback by that one.
I also hated this question: "What does she do for fun?" That is really tricky, because you don't want her to sound bad, say if she watches movies or goes online... And yet, you don't want her to sound boring. I wanted to ask the woman: What type of girl are YOU looking for? And then I could answer accordingly.
Every answer has its own nuance and can be taken in several different ways. I honestly think this is one of the many faulty parts of the system.
Monday, December 17, 2007
The call
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14 comments:
A1: Being Jewish is SO central to who she is, that I can't imagine her without her yiddishkeit. Next Question?
A2: She has such a positive attitude, that she finds joy in every situation. I know I find it fun just being with her.
A3: She's my best friend and I love her to pieces. I certainly hope this boy is worthy of HER!
Honestly, these questions are just a bit short of "If she were a tree, what kind of tree would she be...?"
I honestly think this is one of the many faulty parts of the system.
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With all due respect, the reason that it has become faulty is due to the lack of honesty. Someone asks a (reasonable) question and you give them a straightforward answer.
Not that complicated.
But since they assume you're exaggerating, if you give an honest answer they assume she's no good.
Most references ask that you ask them questions..so that they don't have to gush. And then answer the questions honestly..when it's done like that you don't have to wrack your brains thinking what you should say about her.
I have only very rarely gotten one of these calls, and usually it's been from someone I know calling to find out about someone else I know. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I've ever had to take a reference call from a stranger.
But since they assume you're exaggerating, if you give an honest answer they assume she's no good.
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You lost me?
How is there a relation between exaggeration and honesty? They have nothing to do w/ eachother
Wow, big deal, she watches TV. Get a life, people.
What kind of answers do they want? cheerleader, jock, science nerd, debate team, mathlete, goth, punk, skatergirl? seriously what are you supposed to say.
FG,
You-say-the-truth
seriously, why is this so hard for people to do?
answer 1) if you werent Jewish who would you be like
answer 2) She takes sadistic delight in calling up people and asking them very invasive, embarrassing questions about their close friends.
I found that successfully answering all the questions in these CIA-style interrogations, usually only earned me or my friends the opportunity to go out with real hard-core losers.
For those reading this post (like me) who are on the "other side", maybe it would be helpful to come up with a list of reasonable questions. (Perhaps a post idea, a sort of group brainstorm session?)
Here are some that I think ARE reasonable:
1. Is she introverted or extroverted?
2. Does she enjoy travel? Entertaining?
3. What are her hobbies, special interests, favorite extra-curricular activities?
The one-sided-ness of the questioning format is part of what makes it feel like an interrogation.
Perhaps sharing relevant and non-revealing tidbits about the other person, demonstrating the motivation behind the questions, would help:
"He's very soft spoken and a bit shy. What's she like?"
or
"He has a lot of self-discipline; he's tidy and prompt, and appreciates this in others. Do you think she'd be compatible with someone like that?"
"What does she do for fun?"
This is one of the only questions that would matter to me. I think that if someone gets through this then the other questions can be asked.
For certain people like myself this is the most important question. If they are not interesting people, as in creative, smart, worldly cultured, outdoorsy or have any passion at all I want nothing to do with them.
Besides its so easy to judge someone by what they do for fun.
Like if you shop and go to fashion shows youd be one way, however if you went rock climbing and whitewater kayaking youd be anotehr type.
hi.
ugh, these 'black hat people' have to go through so much crap, even though I'm 'among them' I thank G-d I was never 'too' involved with them, because those who are wish they weren't...
umm, to clarify (very partially)i.e. even after these 'reference calls', do not many of these guys from yeshiva masterbate, molest children, (cohabitate with their wife during 'nida' is also an issue I hear..), cheat, rape (I've heard stories of school pricibles)steal from the government and from individuals, lie, etc. etc., and basically just lead unjust and unethical lives? They do. It's good to know what kind of person you're dealing with beforehand in regards to shidduchim, but the "price of his mothers shaitel" or some other inane question is obviously pointless.
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