Musings

*hides* I mean't to post days ago, I just have not found the time. So sorry. Oh well, here goes for my last few days of thoughts...

Again with the friends. One of my friends, who I am actually becoming closer with, got engaged like, right away. Awhile back. And she was so cute, and so excited, and not at all like those engaged girls we all make fun of all the time. And I was really happy, because she would tell me all her plans and we would just have fun together. But I do have to say, that a part of me looked at her and saw me in her eyes. She is a bit similar to me, so I thought, you see, "She's engaged, I will be too i"yh". And I also could not wait to be in her stage. It was not jealousy like with my friend Maidel 2- but I longed to be in her shoes.

Long no more. Sadly, she broke her engagement. This is now very real to me, because I have seen the stars in her eyes one day, and the next day, nothing. I'm not saying this is SO horrible, I mean, one of my parents also had a broken engagement before they met the other, and baruch hashem for that. I am just saying that when people speak about broken engagements, it just seems like the person was never really happy- they would have never gotten married anyway. But she was going to. She had everything already.

Anyway- looking at her, of course with my usual smile, but inner sadness, I had an epiphany (Sp?). Here I was, looking at this girl for a couple of months, wishing that I was. That she was so lucky to be on the market for such a short amount of time. That she was out of the rat race and carried a trophy. And now, she probably looks at me and has that same feeling. Because not only is she not ahead of me, but not she probably feels behind me. Lagging along.

I have to say that I am proud of myself. My parents decided that since I am now nineteen, that shidduchim should be coming strong and our phone should be ringing off the hook. This is of course because they think that the whole world knows they waiting for the end of December. Hah. But anyway- I am right now very happy with what I am doing, and not in a rush. Sure, I do want to get married, and it hurts when my friends are all excited and in it without me, but I am young. I have time. And someone will want to marry me. Right?

The call

Yes, of course, it has happened by now. The call. Or shall I say, the calls. Reference calls. You can tell right away by the demure-like tone of the other person, from her first "hello." This is what mine sounded like yesterday:

Ring Ring. [To some revach tune or whatever I use for the strange numbers] I thought it was my friend from California.
Aidel: "Hello?!" Not in the best aidel-maidel tone either.
Women X: "Hi, is this Aidel Knaidel?" in a polite, restricted sort of "hem, hem" voice.
Aidel: Oh, yes, hello.
Women X: "Well, I have you as a reference for Maidel Two. Can I ask you some questions?"
At this point, I rack my brains for three positive and slightly different adjectives about the girl.

And then it goes on. For some reason, I feel enormous butterflies in my stomach when I hear the slight alteration in the tone of voice. My palms get sweaty, and I feel as if I am the one on the stage, being interviewed.

Does anyone else feel silly? I cannot gush to a stranger. Especially about how pretty, smart, funny, fun etc. she is when she is not. Sure, she can be a great friend, even my best, but I can't fudge the truth. Of course, I don't volunteer any information, and I make her sound awesome. But I didn't add any sprinkles.

Then of course, comes the odd questions. Someone asked me- no joke- "If she was not jewish, what type of girl would she be?" Umm, excuse me. She is. And I am too. Jewish and frum. So, well, I don't know?
I was more than taken aback by that one.

I also hated this question: "What does she do for fun?" That is really tricky, because you don't want her to sound bad, say if she watches movies or goes online... And yet, you don't want her to sound boring. I wanted to ask the woman: What type of girl are YOU looking for? And then I could answer accordingly.

Every answer has its own nuance and can be taken in several different ways. I honestly think this is one of the many faulty parts of the system.

... I dont want you to see

So I wrote before that I discovered the green within. Envy. Jealousy. You know, the middah that is the worst, that turns everything around and eventually poisins everything. Well, wait. I'm not that bad off yet.

I have this friend. We can call her Maidel, I guess. And Maidel and I talk on the phone almost every night, about everything. From stupidity to dating, to whatever. Anyway- we were both pretty much on the same page with shidduchim. Meaning: both of use hadn't gone out yet. I had some prospects; and as you know, many rejected me, some are still in the works, and I rejected one. She was pretty much not as busy. Then she had this prospective guy, and guess what, she got a yes. And she was going out.

And suddenly, I did not want to hear about it anymore. That might be because we absolutely exhausted the topic, but I do not know. I started getting annoyed with her and felt like she was bragging a bit. Maybe she was, but that is ok. It is her prerogative, and I should be excited for her.

So I am. I was. Whatever. I mean, I really was. I coached her into what to say, to wear, to do. I felt butterflies the whole shabbos knowing when she was going out. I was her reference.. I mean, yes. I didn't do anything that was bad. I just felt awful.

It went away, well, a bit. But I just really hate what this is making me become.

The other side of me

Did you ever discover a part of yourself that you never knew existed? I know that this happens all the time, with talents and whatever. Take me for example, I never knew that I could draw until I actually had to pick up a pencil in the ninth grade. Or that I didn't know I was a good dancer until I was picked to be head of dance in camp in the summer after ninth grade? I guess freshman year was a big one for me. Hah.

But this time, I am talking about something a little less exciting. I am talking about discovering an ugly part of you. But I mean me. Of course, it crops up in occasion. Things you don't like about yourself. But never, never, had I experienced something like this.

Jealousy. The big, green giant. But not the one in the cans of yummy corn. This one is all me, and let me tell you, Aidel had never experienced something like this before.

Thanks

Just a quick little detour from my boring term papers. College...

Anyway- I wanted to thank all of you for your nice and inspiring comments. I was feeling MUY confused last time, and that was mainly because of my situation with certain boys and my parents. But after thinking about it, I think that I do know what I want. I am never really this insecure about anything, and it scares me. What is this doing to me? I have firmly decided in my mind that I am happy the way it is right now, and I should not get myself all worked up. I mean, I have plenty of time. If something comes up and its good, great. If it does not work out, thats good too. It is hashem sending me a message. Because he knows that I have a hard time saying no.

I dont know what I want anymore

I really don't know what is wrong with me. I mean, I came home so sure of what I wanted. And was totally gung-ho about everything- kollel wise, learning for how long and whatever. And now- not so sure. Perhaps it is because I have had a few recent bad experiences with the lot of boys whom are supposed to be those "top boys" I should be moiser nefesh to have.

All I know is that the more time is going by, the less and less sure of myself I am becoming. And it really freaks me out. I know I want a boy to be learning, but for how long, I do not know. I am not a forever type of hashem yaazor girl, and do not think I can live up to that.

AHHHH. I hate this stinking pressure. I'm sort of happy that I have time till I have to go out now. I feel as if I am a pendulum, swinging from side to side.

The rules

So, how can you tell if a girl is engaged?

First of all, there seems to be a general rule. It does not apply to all engaged girls, in fact, I know plenty of them who shy away from this. But pretty much, if you see a girl in Touro, or wherever, jerking her left hand around as if she has a twitch, she is engaged. It's kind of like, "Oh, let me fix my hair, with this hand, and shine my ring in your eyes." It's lovely, really. I'm not being cynical at all. I hope when I am engaged I too can partake in this fun act. It is just a comical observation.

Second, just wait for that snippet of conversation. I mean, I was sitting in the lounge and overheard, or rather, heard because it was so loud, a funny convo.
Girl: Oh my gosh, I just like, totally don't know what to buy HIM. I have never known a BOY before.
Friend: Yeah. I don't know.
Girl: I mean, do I buy HIM a tie? Or do I buy "my chosson" ... lalalala.

LOL. I turned around to this girl and with a huge smile asked, "Are you engaged?" What do you think was her reply? "Me? Oh, how did you know."

too cute. lol.

NaNoWriMo

Does anyone do NaNoWriMo? For those of you who don't know, it is Nationa November/Novel Writing Month. There is a challenge to all of those who feel a novel inside them- to write a 50,000 worded first draft in a month. 30 days. Its nuts, but quite invigorating. And its about the quantity, not quality.

I don't know if you ever tried to write a novel. But I have. And I know that you get so stuck trying to make it perfect, with every line sounding smart and whatever. And then you get to page ten, and thats it. Nothing comes out.

NaNoWriMo is the thing to challenge that writers block. It is just for fun, and you can write about anything. I decided to take the challenge this year- but of course got side-tracked with midterms. So I'm up to 9,000 words instead of 25,000. Bit of a problem, eh? lol.

It is a great way to express yourself. And mine's totally kosher, don't worry. Its YA.

weddings

Alright, we all know about the Agudah's takanos of what you can and cannot have at a proper, hechsherized wedding. I think that the guest list is limited, as is the band, shmorg, and no bar. There is also a ban on the vort. And all this is to cut down the costs of weddings.

People are obviously spending more than they can afford. With weddings come mass expenses. And lets not forget the furniture, or even the gown rentals! There is so much money that has to be spent its almost comical.

So it makes sense that the rabbanim try to lower the costs. But I was thinking. I mean- yes, there is a difference in the wedding halls, and the catering and everything. But why on earth do we have to feed every single person we have ever known? And you can't chas veshalom not invite them, for they will be insulted.

Why do we have to have a whole ganzt meal. I would be perfectly happy with a shmorg. I mean, who eats at weddings anyway? I know that I don't. But maybe I am speaking for myself. I think it is ridiculous how society creates these neccessities. So what if we don't keep up with the Jones, or is it the Cohens?

Why do my friend's parents have to cry and worry about debt because they are marrying off their daughter? Weddings should not be about the materialistic things that we have made them into.

Last time

I didn't really mean to sound pessimistic, or desperate in my last post. I was just feeling a small bit of rejection, and I needed some sort of catharsis. But feeling bad for AidelKnaidel time is now over. For now.

It's just that, for my entire teenage years, I have been envisioning the shidduch age. I always knew it was hard and all, but I never imagined it was like this. I honestly thought that you come home from Seminary, and your phone is ringing with suggestions. I did not know that this only happens when the boys come back from Yeshiva. Hah. With girls, you practically have to beg.

I am so young. I know. I don't mean to sound annoying, and low, and just desperate. I'm not. I have plenty of time, I am quite busy... and I will be acquiring my BA in another year and a half. But, the longing is still there. It isn't as strong as my older counterparts. But it is there. And the rejection hurts at eighteen as much as it does as twenty one.

Sorry- will write longer as soon as I finish with my round of exams.

My letter

Really, it is fine that you said no to me. I know that you are a top boy. And that I am young. And I didn't go to BJJ or whatever the top seminary is now. And that it wasn't you, but your mother who has a list full of hopeful girls. And that I am not supposed to know that I was even considered, but I do know. And I am glad that hashem has taken away someone not right for me, instead of making me decide. That is in fact, exactly what I asked of him.

But why do I feel so lost? I was actually quite calm and chipper when I figured it out from my father. Its fine. I smiled and told him that I am glad to have the decision out of my hands. I mean, its only the third boy that my father wanted for me to say no. Or not yet. Yeah, right. I would say that I was busy too instead of confrontation.

I know there are so many boys. And that I do not need to get married this year, or when I am nineteen. It is just the waiting. The feeling now. It is melancholy and low. I'm really ok. Right?

I have to remember. Remind myself that it is not me. I am a good girl. A BY one, who is nice. I have a good name. I know that I am nice looking, and thin. I do well. I am intellectual. And I want what is best. I strive to be better. Sure, maybe I am not from the "frummest" neighborhood. And yes, my family does watch DVDs. Is that why you turned me down? It is really ok. I'd just like to be given a chance.

What if no one wants to give me a chance?

Inner Debate

So, I decided to take a break from part two of my shidduch talk, and just talk about other, important topics. Maybe. But part two, along with ten and twenty, will be up very soon.
{{First off- thanks to my amazing commenters! Wow- I did not expect my first post to get so many, as well as the fact that they are from people who are well-established in blog land and with great blogs. I mean, I read yours all the time. So thanks. }}

But on to my topic for the day. Now, its really about Raising Children. But not just any. Mine. One day. Now, we are not going onto a tangent and talking about finding that husband, but the actual art of raising kids.

After Seminary, I know that it is not inborn and has to be worked at. There has to be a system. But what system? I feel like every kid is sooo different. Take my parents for example, and me. My parents were pretty strict, but I didn't feel it. I was allowed to watch TV/Movies, and my mother let me listen to what I wanted. But Boys? Chas Veshalom. Now I'll you- I did have many oppurtunities in the ninth/tenth grades to go with my friends and do "bad stuff." But I didn't. Why not?

Well, that stumps me. I know that I was a shy kid, so that could have been why. Or maybe it was because I had a conscience. Or was it the fear of my parents? I'll tell you what. I was always able to talk to my mother and I actually told her once that I really wanted to. That for sure helped. But I don't know what exactly it was that stopped me from doing anything of the sort.

My parents are great parents. They are. I mean, now I have some complaints just because I am older, and being the oldest, they don't really know what to do with me. But I think they did a good job. In fact, people are always telling them that, because the sister under me is an angel. Pretty much- anyway out of the house.

But I am worried a different sister. One who is ten years old, and quite a handful. I don't know if my parents' "method" is going to work for her like with me. And that actually got me to my first question, What makes a child raised well?
[On to raising children, part two next time. Later!]

"The Market"

I have been home for what, 3 months? Almost Four? And already, the pressure is on. I feel it. I have to admit that I felt it a bit in seminary, all the way on the other side of the ocean. It is intense. The not-knowing who, what, when, where, or how? No one wants to be the last one. And for some reason, everyone feels forgotten.

And this is quite pathetic. But I am absolutely no better. I am eighteen years old, fresh out of Sem, and I feel nervous. Stressed. And this is the norm. I have to say that although it is the norm, it is not exactly normal.

Whats the problem? I was not supposed to be dating anyway until after way Chanukkah, when I turn nineteen. And most girls start after sukkos. Which was three days ago. But I still feel it. Maybe it is in my unconscious, or pre-conscious. Whatever the psycho-analysis term that it is. One thing is for sure, those psychiatrists would say that all jewish single girls are medically INSANE. Or maybe its the world?

Why does an eighteen year old/nineteen year old feel such pressure? Is it really such a horror if the girl gets a bit of college done, or makes some money, and matures a little? Why is there are nebach to the age 21? Why do I get appraising looks when I walk into a kiddush or whatever? Why do I have to get dressed up whenever I step out of my house? Its a crazy world I tell you. And it is me too, don't get me wrong. I feel like I'm dying to get married. And for no good reason. I know I am still immature in some ways. Have plenty of room to grow. And I probably don't deserve the type of boy that I want. But those are my issues.

More on this later. Meanwhile, whoever reads this: I'd love to hear your thoughts. Part two, or shall I say, a more personal aspect of this rant, is coming soon.

Welcome

So, here I am. Posting. I've been a blog reader for some time now. And a definite internet lurker. And I just feel like I have things to say. Now, here is a little bit about me. I am an eighteen year old girl who is just back from Seminary is Israel. I am a "BY" ish type girl, though not the regular boring stereotypical type. I like to think of myself as different. Special. Maybe we will just stick with different. But I am now home and officially "on the market". Oh yes. And busy too, with school and work.

So who am I? I'm that girl in your Science class. I'm the girl down the block. The girl you went to school with. The girl you remember from camp. I'm the average, teenage jewish-frum girl. And you know me. Or do you??